29 November 2005


for EW

Last night she slept with the light on-
As a child bedtime fears are thwarted by simple measures:

- close the closet door
- sleep completely covered up
- say your prayers
- turn on the night light

But what happens when the soft, glowing light is not enough to turn your fear aside?
It's time to turn on the lamp at your bedside.
Sleep. She is tired. She needs to rest.
She knows she should sleep.
She can't. She won't.

While asleep she is vulnerable and unable to fight.
Does fear keep her awake? Possibly. Grief? Definitely.
She will only allow herself to rest under the cover of light,
She will see him if he comes in the night.
She will not go with him, not tonight.

Once again she has slept by light,
But maybe, just maybe that light of night
has bought her another day, one more day.

Last night she slept with the light on
And I am so glad that she did
because maybe, just maybe
That means I get to see her again.

The light is her comfort,
I will not take it away
Her I will not question
But we will be happy one more day,
at least one more day.

Last night she slept with the light on.

23 November 2005

Girls CAN Rock!!

Nothing says it like
Daisy Rock!!

Thanks Tish and Michael.

22 November 2005

Hey, How Are You?

I am only fine until someone wants to know how I am doing.

I have to enter into the empty silence, in which my soul resides,

there a voice invades my meditative quiet, jars me and makes me think of that which

I would rather hide.

I have no desire to face what is true in my heart,

I don't want to think on how I feel thus

I will further reach farther to black out in the quiet, silent empty.

15 November 2005

Ultra Platinum

Mariah Carey - The Emancipation of Mimi

Do I really need to say anything? It's Mariah Carey! Every song is wonderful, whether it's the beautiful sharing of the pain that remains from a broken heart or the straight up club banging, shake ya ass hits. Track by track it's time to get free with Mimi!

11 November 2005

Cosas del Amor

Enrique Iglesias - Cosas del Amor (1998)

Spanish Releases: Quizas (2002), Vivir (1997), Enrique Iglesias (1995)

#1 - Nunca Te Olvidaré

#2 - Cosas del Amor

#3 - Esperanza

#4 - Desnudo

#6 - Alguien Como Tú

This is my favorite Enrique Iglesias cd, I absolutely adore it. It was his 3rd effort and the predecessor to his first English album. There is unmistakable growth in his voice and songwriting (and the entire songwriting team) from the self titled debut in 1995 to this 1998 work. I genuinely enjoy listening to every song and can put the disc in and let it repeat multiple times. The best song in my opinion is "Alguien Como Tú", "Somebody Like You". The general idea of the song is that he's seen and experienced love but none of it comes close to this one. Yes it is full of cheesy love songs. One was so cheesy in fact that it was used as a theme song for a popular telenovela. Lots of emotions and beautiful mental pictures to be experienced here. Enjoy!!

10 November 2005

Disappointment and Frustration

There are days where getting out of bed is just not worth the time or effort. Try and try and try again and no matter what I'm bound to f*$k up. The plain and simple easy are always the hardest things to do. Misery and failure are my closest friends. My consistent ability to not get it right is the only consistency I have. I seriously hate life. Why exist when each time you think you have learned you go back and make the same damned mistake again? My life is the biggest waste of time. I am taking up some intelligent person's oxygen. I'm angry and unhappy and tired, I never get to get it right.

I'm ADORABLE, *itches!!!!!

Thanks to Addison for the link.

you are... Noodle

Which member of the Gorillaz are you?

brought to you by Quizilla

09 November 2005

Writer's Block

When thought is in order, my brain is not so. So many times, so many days, so many thoughts, too many to process or hold. But the days they are needed for purposeful function they are nowhere to be found. Out goofing off I suppose, leaving me to feel as an empty shell without the power to do anything outside the mundane routine of this boring daily life. Tumble weeds, crickets, loud HVAC and that ever present clearing of the throat to remind you that something should be filling this space. What is it? Where have you gone and why won't you come back? Oh sure I know the thought process will return but only after the deadline has passed. With my mouth I agreed knowing all along my ability would leave, there is no point for me to try, it's time to give up and go on by, I'll make yet another promise a different day and break it and someone's heart that way.... Why say 'yes' when 'no' was so easy now I'm stuck with pain and guilt and failure. Thought, creativity, brilliance and genius, perfection - the stuff of dreams.

07 November 2005

The People Have Spoken

The votes are in, polls are closed and the winner is ....

Thank you to everyone who voted and to Evett and Mary L for being the first to vote on this moniker. Yukina had zero votes and was about to be pulled when their votes came in and kept it in the race. In the end it was very close: 9/ 12.

01 November 2005

The Name Game

Hello friends! Back in July Chris asked for help in naming his car and was successful in finding something he enjoys. I now ask for that same help but I am naming my guitar. It is an Epiphone Dot Studio Semi-Hollow in Alpine White. I have a few possible choices but if you have anything please add it.

11/3 - We're down to the final two!!

a. Autumn Skye
b. Yukina

11/2 - No more new names. Please help me pick from this list of 10, Autumn Skye included (thanks Mary)
Out of the Race:
a. Autumn X
b. Baby Nimbus X
Harley Quinn X
d. Liliana
e. Pearlie X
f. Sailor Moon X
g. Skye X
h. Skylar X
i. V.S. X

31 October 2005



It's Halloween!!! It's a personal tradition of mine to read my favorite Poe stories and poems. Here is a great one to share for the occasion. Enjoy!


Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,--
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door.
Only this and nothing more.

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow;--vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow--sorrow for the lost Lenore,
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore:
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me--filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
"'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door,
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door:
This it is and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you"--here I opened wide the door:--
Darkness there and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore?"
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore:"
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore;
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore:
'Tis the wind and nothing more."

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door,
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door:
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,--
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore:
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning--little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door,
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as "Nevermore."

But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered, not a feather then he fluttered,
Till I scarcely more than muttered,--"Other friends have flown before;
On the morrow he will leave me, as my Hopes have flown before."
Then the bird said, "Nevermore."

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore:
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of 'Never--nevermore.'"

But the Raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore,
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking "Nevermore."

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee--by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite--respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! prophet still, if bird or devil!
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted--
On this home by Horror haunted--tell me truly, I implore:
Is there--is there balm in Gilead?--tell me--tell me, I implore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

Prophet! "said I, "thing of evil--prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us, by that God we both adore,
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore:
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting:
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor:
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted--nevermore!

25 October 2005

In Your Arms, I Feel...

Alejandro Fernández - Entre Tus Brazos 2004 - Latin Pop

Siento – I Feel
L&M: Emilio Estefan, Jr., Robert Blades, Angie Chirino, Jorge Casas

No sé si podré confiar
I don’t know if I will be able to trust (again)
En mi triste corazón
In my sorrow-filled heart
Que sufrió por otro amor
After what I suffered because of another love
La desilusión
The disappointment
Es difícil empezar
It is difficult to start anew
Otro engaño soportar
Another deception to bear
Pero encontré el amor
But I found love
A tu lado porque…
By your side because…

Siento en mi alma
I feel in my soul
Renacer el sentimiento
The reappearance of feeling
Has llenado un vacío
You have filled the void
Que dejó un antiguo adiós
Left by an old goodbye
Nunca pensé que podría ser así
I never thought it could be like this
El inmenso dolor
The immense pain
Que ha dejado otro amor
That remained from another love
Ya no… siento…
I no longer feel (it)

Estoy cansado de llorar
I am tired of crying
Al dolor no quiero regresar
I do not want to return to pain
Pero junto a ti
But with you
Hoy he vuelto a amar porque…
Today I have returned to love because…

-Coro x 2/ Fin-

24 October 2005

After the Storm

Alejandro Sanz - Grandes Exítos 91_04 2004 - Latin Pop/ Rock

Previous Releases:
No Es Lo Mismo 2003
Unplugged 2001
El Alma Al Aire 2000
Más 1997
3 1995
Basico 1994
Si Tú Me Miras 1993
Viviendo Deprisa 1991

Alejandro Sanz, haven't I heard that name before? Oh yeah, he's that guy in the Shakira video. He has a very successful career based on great music, beautiful story-telling and as much as I hate to say it wicked cool videos. From the time this Spaniard stepped onto the scene, guitar in hand and heart on sleeve, the music world could do nothing but stop and welcome his refreshing presence. Mr. Sanz is an actual musician, not just another factory pop pretty boy. He is so good, in fact, that his MTV Unplugged performance has the distinction of having had the largest audience in the history of the popular concert series.

This is a "Greatest Hits" collection so if you are at all interested in getting into Latin music, this is a great place to start. -side note: listening to latin music can accelerate learning to speak Spanish.- There are 3 versions of this disc Grandes Exítos 91_96, Grandes Exítos 97_04 and of course Grandes Exítos 91_04 [DigiPak]. The first two obviously represent each of the albums made during those time periods and 91_04 includes both of those and a bonus special disc. This 3-disc [DigiPak] has a total of 43 songs featuring all of his major singles and the bonus disc has a duet with The Corrs - 'The Hardest Day'. This is their version of Mr. Sanz' 'Me Ire' from "El Alma Al Aire".

From one of my favorite songs: 'Corazón Partío'

Después de la tormenta siempre llega la calma
After the storm the calm always comes
pero sé que después de ti, después de ti, no hay nada
but I know that after you, after you, there is nothing
Para qué me curaste cuando estaba herío
Why heal me when I was hurting
si hoy me dejas de nuevo con el corazón partío
if today you leave me anew with a broken heart?

You DON'T Like Me! You Really Don't Like Me?

And I quote, "What I don't understand is why I can get out of here on time when I close with everyone else, but not with you! .... no one in this store likes you. Everybody here hates finding out they have to work with you. All of the shifts (supervisors) would love to be the one to send you packing and the store manager is at his wits end trying to figure out what to do with you!"

So, it's finally cooling off a bit here in Texas but I was as hot as the leather interior of a car at 3 on an August afternoon to be on the receiving end of that. It's not what was said , I'm sure there is some truth to it, I am not the easiest person to be around, in any situation, but the PERSON who made the comment... aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!!! Of course, I'm not innocent here. I had my fair share of things to say but to protect the employment status of myself and the other party we won't go into that.

21 October 2005

Get Serious

Yes I am about to rant, sorry. Email, as wonderful and beautiful of a communications medium as it is can be used for the forces of evil. You know what I am referring to - the pointless, useless, "God help me who had time to sit around and come up with this?" CHAIN LETTER. The following is an actual chain letter that a friend sent to me (as a joke?):

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

If u open this you have to repost it, or you will have bad luck for the rest of your life!!!!!!! If I don't get this back I guess you're not my friend. If you have a lot of love for someone, copy and send this to your whole list. In 5 minutes your true love will call or message you. You have just been WISHED. Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they like you. Something good will happen to you at approx. 1:42pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere. So get ready for the biggest shock of your life. If you break this chain, you will be cursed with relationship problems for the most important time of your life. Send this to 15 people in 15 minutes to carry on the chain...and spare yourself the emotional stress. Be careful, (COPY AND PASTE, DO NOT JUST CLICK FORWARD)

I am in serious trouble now. I erased it. I don't think posting it here is perpetuating the cycle. In any case I suppose I'll be getting a visit from this guy instead of Mr. Perfect described above. Oh well.

13 October 2005

Nothing Is The Same

by the way CHRIS, this is #42!

Luis Miguel - Nada es Igual (1996)
Recent Releases: México en la Piel (2004), 33 (2003), Mis Boleros Favoritos (2002)

I am a sucker for a sad love song and that is why this one is so wonderful in my book. The disc is filled with more than sadness but it has been the title track and overall theme that makes this my favorite CD of the 15 in my collection by Luis Miguel. The song is sad, but in a sweet way. I figured after mentioning 'Nada Es Igual' 3 times (Music Tag! - I'm It, TAG - I'm "It" Again and in this week's Listening Lounge) I could post the lyrics and say something about it.

The disc is nothing out of the ordinary for this performer but it is one extrordinary cd. Luis Miguel contributed more to writing for this project and the music seemed to pick up elements of other styles including jazz and R&B. "Nada es Igual" also contains the single 'Suena' which is the Spanish equivalent of 'Someday' from Disney's 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame'. Overall it is a great Luis Miguel pop album. The title translates to 'Nothing Is The Same'. I can't explain why it's my favorite song, all I know is that I love the emotion and sentiment behind it. My other favorite song 'Un Día Más', 'One More Day', is also like this.

#2 - Abrázame
Embrace Me
#4 - Nada Es Igual
Nothing is the Same
#6 - Que Tú Te Vas
Now That You've Gone
#7 - Sintiéndote Lejos
Feeling Far From You
#9 - Un Día Más
One More Day

'Nada es Igual' - L&M: K. Cibrián/ A. Lerner
Duérmete aquí, sueña por mí
Sleep here, dream of me
Que yo te amaré
That I will love you
Hasta el final del tiempo
Until the end of time
Besarte así con tanto amor
To kiss you thus with so much love
Ya mi vida no es igual
My life is no longer the same
Si a mi lado tú no estás
If you are not by my side

Nada es igual, sin tí no es igual
Nothing is the same, without you it is not the same
No soy nadie sin tu amor
I am nobody without your love
Nada es igual, ni el cielo ni el mar
Nothing is the same, neither the sky nor the sea
Todo cambia de color si no estás cerca
Everything loses its luster (color) if you are not near
Vuelve pronto a mí que no sé vivir sin ti
Come back to me soon I don’t know that I can live without you

Quedate aquí cerca de mí
Stay here close to me
Sé que tu serás la dueña de mis sueños
I know you will be the owner of my dreams
Verte reír, amar y seguirte amando
To see you laugh, to love you and continue loving you
Nada es igual si a mi lado tú no estás
Nothing is the same if you are not by my side


Por eso háblame, llévame, déjame sentir
For that reason talk to me, take me, allow me to feel
Por eso ámame
For that reason love me
Que la puerta queda abierta
The door remains open
Hasta que vuelvas a mí
Until you come back to me
Yo aquí esperaré por ti
I will wait here for you

-Coro/ Fin-
Vuelve pronto a mí que no sé vivir sin tu ...amor
Come back to me soon I don’t know that I can live without your …love

07 October 2005

What Does Your Name Say About You?

Just some interesting and fun things. I have always wondered if your name is tied to your destiny in some small way. It would not be so bad for me, my mom gave me a great name!!

If you break my first name into its two parts it means "LOVE" in Japanese and "WOMAN" in Hebrew. Combined it is Arabic and means "LIFE". My middle name is derived from the Greek for "VICTORIOUS". My last name is German meaning "SON OF WILLIAM" and William in its English form is "PROTECTOR".

So I am a Woman with a Victorious Life that starts with Love from a line of Protectors. How cool is that?

06 October 2005

Extraordinary Machine

Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine (2005)
Previous Releases: Tidal (1996), When the pawn... (1999)


#1 - Extraordinary Machine

#6 - Parting Gift

#7 - Window

#11 - Not About Love

She's back!! And thank God she's still angry. After a LONG six year absence Fiona Apple has returned and unlike Sarah or Alanis she has not been overcome by happy fairies. Don't get me wrong happy is good but sometimes my life's soundtrack needs to sound as pissed off and confused as I am. Extraordinary Machine delivers. The 12 track disc can easily be spun over and over and at many times related to. Buy the DualDisc (SONY is the best), listen, enjoy, repeat!

03 October 2005

Think Before You Speak

When we open our mouths to say something, we usually know the intention behind it. Unfortunately others cannot read our minds so we have to be extra careful what we let flow from our lips. Former Education Secretary William Bennett found this out the hard way last week. Not for the first time I'm sure, but this time he really slipped. You would think that someone who wrote a book entitled 'The Book of Virtues' would know that sarcasm is not one of them. Mr. Bennett next time be a little more careful, the media gallows is always awaiting a victim. Oh well, since abortion is so "morally reprehensible" someone else came up with another PLAN.

30 September 2005

TAG - I'm "IT" Again

TEN YEARS AGO: I was 1 month into my 1st year of college. I was still young and full of hope. I was also learning that dorm living is quite the experience. (Clean the shower in your suite. Your suite mates do not want to see what's left when you are done *gag*)


ONE YEAR AGO: I was sorting and filing by day and making lattes by night.



1) Applesauce
2) Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles
3) Craisins
4) Lemon Crumb Bar
5) Yogurt

1) Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
2) Def Leppard - Armageddon It
3) Gloria Estefan - Ay, Ay, Ay Amor
4) Luis Miguel - Nada es Igual
5) Mariah Carey - Never Forget You
*4&5 hmmmm... funny that*

1) Donate to a children's charity
2) Finish school
3) Get the musical instruments I want
4) Help family
5) Pay off debt completely

1) Easily distracted
2) Forgetful
3) Nail biting
4) Starting and not finishing projects
5) Talk too much

1) Being free to learn
2) Family
3) Friends
4) Music
5) My niece

1) Architectural stuff
2) Books
3) Computer
4) Guitars
5) PS2

1) France (in the country)
2) Greece (not sure where)
3) Morocco
4) Spain (not sure where)
5) Tivoli (or anywhere else in Italy)

1) A visible thong
2) Pleated anything
3) Sheer blouse
4) Stilettos (I'm too clumsy)
5) This shirt

2) Attack of the Show
3) CSI (any of them)
4) Inu Yasha
5) R.O.D the TV (duh!!)

1) Col. Roy Mustang
2) "Manuel" in Sonadoras - Eduardo Verastegui
3) "Alberto" in Mi Pequena Traviesa - Hector Soberon
4) Inu Yasha
5) "Jose Julian" in Salome - Rafael Amaya
*I cheated on this one. I want the 3 actors.*

Not So Subliminal

29 September 2005


I think I'm a natural Blonde.

4:50 pm - Addendum

A drunk Blonde at a frat party has a higher IQ than me.

28 September 2005

I'm Gonna Live Forever

Today as I avoid my work yet again I realize that I am not a good person. NEWSFLASH!! No this is not news to me but for some reason I'm thinking about it. I DON'T CARE. That is my problem. I always feel as though I am at war with myself over what I should be doing and whether or not what I do is right or wrong.
Black or white, dark or light, blindness and sight. Can you tell I grew up in church? No matter what I do I will never be the "Good Girl" (Woman of outstanding moral character) that I wanted to be. I ran myself into the ground trying to be "good". That lifestyle drove me crazy (literally). I liked myself better in those days, true. But, like everyone, I still had my fair share of issues. Now I exist and don't know what the hell for. What halfway redeeming qualities do I have? My own mom says I'm mean (harsh, yet true).
As far as I can tell there are only a couple of options and neither is appealing at the moment. I've got to figure this thing out.

22 September 2005

Rated "H"

Yesterday I was browsing an online anime shop for a present. Okay, and for some R.O.D gear (busted!) Of course I got caught up looking at the amazing amount of items they offered but one in particular stood out. I thought this was hilarious and I know quite a few people I could bestow this upon. It's great because it comes both in a guys' t-shirt and a girls' babydoll. Equal opportunity is a beautiful thing.

21 September 2005

Promises, promises

We've ALL said or been on the receiving end of two very dangerous words in one distinct phrase: I promise.

There is no better feeling than when someone uses this phrase and comes through and fulfills their obligation. This is especially true when it is for something you did not ask for but someone knew you wanted it so they decided to make this happen for you. There is also a great feeling of satisfaction and completion when you can keep a promise you have made. For me seeing the joy that comes to someone else in these situations is ....well I honestly can't find words.

Oh but when you can't come through. As for me I feel like the worst person ever. My integrity takes a blow and people wonder whether or not I can truly be trusted. Who wants that dark cloud hanging over their head? Often remembering the faces of others when I have had to break a promise in the past keeps me from doing now. After all I'm supposed to be older and wiser and know better, right? WRONG!

Well I haven't broken any promises as of late (I've been sticking to foot in mouth) but they have been crumbling around me. I try not to get pumped up about anything, really because like most I hate being let down. Recently, however, I was told about a position at work (not Starbucks) that would place me back in my field and double my pay. It was working on a project that I dreamed of working on. After some months of runaround the position was given to someone who is considering leaving the company now.

I have now been offered another job. "I promise that since the last one fell through I am personally going to make sure that this happens for you. After all Aisha I truly believe in your drive, determination and ability." He's trying to get on my good side, can you tell? This is the same guy that promised me the other position, "Well, hell since you already work for the company and have some experience it only makes since. I promise you that this company is always looking for young talent."

To borrow: "Let your yes be yes and your no be no...", Trust me you will save both yourself and your hearers.

** Chris I feel your pain my friend. **

14 September 2005

A Change (Would Do You Good)

"Hello, it's me, I'm not at home
If you'd like to reach me, leave me alone

A change would do you good
A change would do you good"

Okay, so I am at home; well work, my second home. And I don't necessarily wish to be left alone but CHANGE is good. This lyric from the ever beautiful Sheryl Crow came into my head as I was changing my template. The song is now stuck in my head so I thought I would share with all my blog buddies. I think this looks so much better, it was too dark before. Yay! I'm happy. :)

13 September 2005

It Doesn't Add Up

Saturday I had a surprise visit from my "friend" the mathematician. He dropped by my Starbucks to inform me that he is moving to Miami at the end of this week. Okay. WHAT??!!!!!! It's been a while since I've seen him and then he pops up out of the blue to say he is moving away. FAR AWAY. We've been friends for over 13 years and on Saturday that relationship will be ..... well I don't know.

When my shift was over, he and I spent some time together talking and carrying on as old friends do (over red wine and cheeses, yummy!). Sunday I began to think about the situation and why I was so affected emotionally by the fact that he is moving.

You must understand that he possesses many of the little things that I always thought I was looking for in a guy (but what do I know? I'm young and stupid). He is incredibly smart (a genius, no kidding), he's funny, we are close friends, he knows and likes my family and is always quick to ask about them (very important). He can be goofy but knows when to get serious, he speaks 4 languages (at least), he is very interested in learning more about other cultures and their customs and history. He's that one guy in a million that loves art and sports and will figure a way to see the big game and the newest exhibit on the same day. Of course these are just a few.

Seriously I think there is something wrong with me. He's the guy of my dreams... just not him. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

12 September 2005

08 September 2005

"Sooner or Later"

Michael Tolcher - I Am (2004) Rock/ Pop
Similar Artists: Howie Day, Gavin DeGraw

For those of you who legally download music; head over to itunes to pick up this week's free single: "Sooner or Later" by Michael Tolcher. It's a great song to get an idea for the disc. My personal faves are:

#3 "No One Above"
#4 "The Sun Song"
#10 "Miracle"
#11 "Kings in Castles"
#12 "Waiting"

Yeah I know it's half the CD right here but I like it that much. Of course the first time I heard all of these, it was a live performance and that makes a difference. If you get a chance to see him live, go for it! There's lots of energy and the band is very talented and they are all nice and down to earth. Have a musical day.

07 September 2005

Music Love

If for some odd reason you have actually have read this blog more than once (thanks for the love) you have noticed the addition of "Music Love". After Chris' 'Music Tag' made its rounds a lot of people started talking about what they were groovin' and movin' to. I added this as a result.

The plan is to put links to a band or artist site that I'm diggin' and also hype some CDs. I'm sure many times it will be mainstream stuff, but there may also be some other goodies tucked away. It says CD of the Week, but I'll change it as I see fit. There may (okay, WILL) also be some old stuff but hey, it's what I'm spinning. I may or may not do a review of the discs but check it out anyway and I hope you enjoy.

06 September 2005


It's MINE! I now own my Epiphone Dot Studio. The Squier is in the trash where it belongs, evil thing. Now I have to figure out how to play better. Too bad my ability did not improve instantly with the upgrade. Hello callouses.

31 August 2005

"Words, Words, Words....."

This is a forwarded email from a friend. I was laughing pretty hard and thought I would share the wealth.

Our Crazy English Language

This should appeal to teachers and avid readers. Can you read these correctly the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? If there is one goose and 2 geese then one moose and 2 meese, right? There is one index but 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite a play and play a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
People, not computers, invented English and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.


A prayer for those affected by hurricane Katrina. God bless and healing and strength to everyone.

29 August 2005

"Friends" - Pt II

Being clueless can be so cute sometimes. Yeah. Right.

"I read your blog. You seem a little ...(sigh) I don't know (pause) unhappy, lonely."
"Ya' think? Nothing gets past you."
"Sarcastic bitch! (laughter) So... are those real people?"
"Love you, too. Yeah, they're real. I didn't want to use names so I chose their professions."
"You know people who do all of those things? Even a rocket scientist?"
"You met the rocket scientist, you just don't remember, it was a long time ago."
"What about the mathematician and mechanical engineer?"

I was talking to the mechanical engineer (may your girlfriend help you)
Some people are idiots. God love them.

26 August 2005

Lost & Found

One night 3 years ago a close friend and I arrived early for a weekly Bible study meeting. We were both extremely tired and decided to nap in the car to pass the 30 minutes. Almost an hour later her cell phone rang. Her husband wanted to know if we were okay and to see if we were lost.

"No honey, we're not lost but apparently we're a bit misplaced."

One day some 12 years ago I was quite a bitter young woman. I had already decided love was for fools and friendship not worth the time and pain. I was fed up to the top of my 5'2" head. No more relationships! Ever!!
After an interesting series of events and being able to see myself for who I really was, I discovered different truths about myself. One came in accepting that my weakness came in admitting that I needed the very friendships I wanted to run away from. With the assistance of new friends and the Lenny Kravitz song "Heaven Help", I came to the startling conclusion that I did not have a lump of coal for my heart. I had a genuine, caring and friendly heart. (Scary to think) To put it simply I was Found.

Twelve years ago I decided to live my life as a committed Christian. I was found. In the light. Saved. However you choose to put it, I was with God. God had always been there but now I was definitely playing for the home team. Found!

Lots of truth comes with found. Lots of change, lots of love, lots of pain. Found! For the first time since I was a small child I was happy. I lived the life of a found soul and tried to find more souls to discover what Found felt like.
That was Found.


Who goes back to lost when Found is so amazing? I did. Two and a half years ago. It's actually easier to be Found when you are lost. Most times you don't really like being lost so when someone can give you directions to get you where you are going you jump on the opportunity.

But when you are misplaced.. you know exactly where you are and you know how to get where you need to be but for some reason or another you cannot seem to pull it together enough to follow your own directions. Sad isn't it.

Good girls get lost in the dark when they are alone, angry and scared. This continues to grow until you are bitter, miserable, cold and fearful. Or at least that's how it feels to me.

24 August 2005


Butterflies do not live long.

Angels exist forever.

The One With the Most "Friends" Loses

the Mathematician - didn't work (still friends)

the Rocket Scientist - didn't work (supposed to be friends)

the Civil Engineer - college friends

the Project Manager - both wanted the other neither would act, friends

the TV Broadcast Producer - never moved passed friends

the Physicist - too immature and just friends

the Mechanical Engineer - looked at me like a little sister

the Banker - You guessed it just friends

the Engineer - thinks I'm NUTS (may not want to be friends)

19 August 2005

Music Tag! - I'm It

In response to Chris' post -

THE RULES: List five songs that you are currently loving. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog, then "tag" five other bloggers/friends to see what they're listening to.

Luis Miguel - "Nada es Igual"
  • Nada es Igual

  • The Donnas - "The Gold Medal"

  • The Gold Medal

    Joss Stone - "Security"
  • Mind, Body & Soul

    Shakira - "La Tortura"
  • Fijacion Oral

    Gorillaz - "Feel Good Inc."
  • Demon Days

    I don't have five friends with blogs, that I know of but you two, Addison and Trang it's your turn.

  • Finally a Recipe I Can Follow

    To say I love this is putting it mildly. This is as much me now as it was at that age. Seriously one day I'm going to (de-) evolve into a cartoon character. Yeah, right! I wish.

    12 August 2005

    So You Think I'm Strange

    Emily is lots of fun if... no IF to it. She is just fun. A little dark, a lot of angst and only 13. Ahhh, reminds me of my younger days. My favorite phrase "Get Lost" now has more than one meaning.
    Check out the website 'if you dare...' that way you can say you heard of her before Emily is the next big thing. Even if she's not (but she is) the artwork is neat and the attitude is classic. "GET LOST!"

    05 August 2005

    What's the Big Deal?

    Three Letters: "G-T-A"
    Two Words: "San Andreas"
    One Phrase: "Hot Coffee"
    "Mass Hysteria"

    A bunch of paranoid, frustrated people with nothing better to do than sit back and complain. It's a game. It has a few pornographic scenes. You have to have a cheat code to get to the questionable content. The game came out at the end of last year I think. As recently as a month ago all this surfaces. Come on people. It is not in the main part of the game. All the other GTA games have massive sexual overtones in them and this one causes an uproar. It makes no sense to me. It has a MATURE ESRB rating. Leave it alone. Let it go.

    Did I mention you get to steal and kill? And you get paid for it. Yes it's all in the game. The title GRAND THEFT AUTO. Oh well. It is definitely up to parents to be parents on this one. It's out there. If it were not this game it would be something else. Everyone just needs to get their knickers untwisted and chill. Play games, have fun. (Yeah, it is eay for me to say. No kids!!)

    28 July 2005

    Fill in The Blank

    What is missing to complete what my heart once longed for?
    Some were characteristics that I was fortunate enough to have bestowed upon me in abundance.
    Many of these are what I dreamed about and fought for daily to develop them in myself.

    1. TRU_H
    2. _ONESTY
    3. HOP_
    4. LOVING
    6. L_YALTY
    7. INTEG_ITY

    The battle between my Butterfly Angel and my Nefarious Angel wages on. What is the famous quote? "Never give up, never surrender!" or something to that effect anyway.

    24 July 2005


    This is an official rant.

    Service people, as in those who work customer or food service, are by no means innocent angels. I should know, I have done both. But people who give them hell just because they might be having a bad day should not be tolerated.

    There should be trap doors that immediately open and take them to the bowels of hell and demons should shell out the same crap to them that they were giving others and then spit them back out with nasty burns and festering boils that don't heal for three days. (and that is being nice) I am not an exception, I would have fallen into a hole and been tortured more than a few times. Believe it or not I am not always right.

    Service people everywhere are a family. Some true enough, should be shot to put us all out of our misery. They have seriously bad attitude or hate what they do and do not mind letting you know it. (guilty of this at times, not all the time) But there are many excellent people out there that either enjoy or are really good at what they do. You hurt one and we all sympathize.

    Try ever so hard to be nice to the service people in your life anywhere you may go. Demons and torture are not as cheap as they used to be and I am not ready to sell my soul to cover the cost just because you decided to give up yours.

    End raving here.

    Got Jokes?

    This is all my fault, I made a bad decision but I'm going to bitch about it anyway.
    (translation: whining about what is 95% my fault and 5% insensitivity of others)

    This is a story from 'A' to 'B' and 'C'

    Have you ever noticed some people in your life, dare I call them friends? No the 'f' word is too good at this point but the 'a' word, acquaintances fits them fine. Sometimes you sit around with them taking turns talking about the good and bad things going on in your life. They share some of the hard times that they are going through so why not share some of the hard decisions you are making or things you are going through too?


    This will always come back to bite you in the ass. One, they do not know how your mind operates and how you think. Two, you forget that they do not know how your mind works. Bad combination. If you are younger than the people you are talking to, trust me, your problems are going to be funny to them to begin with because they are older and have all this figured out. They want to tell you what they think that they have figured out about you and your situations.

    It is at this point that everyone's 'got jokes'. Things that you have to seriously consider are fodder for their jokes. Oh, and it gets even better because they think you are going to do the same things they did or do in the situation. For example:

    You are hoping for the opportunity of a relationship with someone. It is rare enough that this occurs. At this point you have just been flirting with the person. There is no real sign it will go any further but you made the mistake of bringing up a name. (do not do this)

    Their thinking: So you're gonna get a piece of ass to see if it is worth further pursuing this relationship.

    My thinking: It takes a lot for me to consider being in a relationship. I work hard at building a great friendship and give myself emotionally and give as much as I can when I am fortunate enough to be involved. 'IF' something physical develops along the way, it does. I am old-fashioned and I am not going to go jump in the bed with someone after a couple of dates to see if this is even worth my time.

    The Difference: To me a great relationship makes anything physical worth the wait. However it may never come up because we may never get that far. (I often eat a bowls of rejection)

    Maybe it is my hopeful-wishful thinking that I will share a great relationship with someone. After all this does sound like the stuff of childhood bedtime stories. But I have seen it work for some of my friends, why not me? I am no different from them.

    I know that 'B' and 'C' will see this and I hope you understand how hurtful it is when you make light of how I think and what I feel. I still think you are wonderful and do not want to discontinue our rather lively discussions. I have, after all learned a lot from you.

    DO NOT, however, get it twisted. My life WILL NOT be your joke. I am today who I have always been. I like a healthy strong bond in my relationships. I am not out for quick fixes or spur of the moment decisions, people get hurt that way. I do not like to hurt anyone.

    I hope you are not angry with me. It took me quite a while to figure out why what I was saying was not the same thing I heard coming from you. Then I figured out your point of view and it all made perfect sense. Remember, I respect the things that you tell me without laughing and making light of it. I am just asking for the same level of respect. DONE.

    22 July 2005

    An Anime a Day Keeps the Dates Away :(

    It's sad but I was just looking for a reason to post this picture. I thought it was funny. Not so much funny (haha) as funny (interesting). It is so out of character for this character, for whatever sense that makes.

    Ode.. Owed to Late Nights and Green Aprons

    I am still sorry for this, but working until 2:00am can make us all delirious.

    21 July 2005

    Hello My Name is Aisha....

    ....and I'm a Donnaholic. (yep, an official card carrying member)

    (Warning, this is another rambling post)

    These women are incredible. Somehow they have managed to make six albums and keep the rock coming which lets me know they are more than just eye candy. They are full of talent.

    Allison - Kicks major amounts of ass on that guitar. She is so good even guys must give props.

    Maya - She seems to be quiet and subdued; must take it out by slamming that bass in your face.

    Torry - She is like an animal on those drums! No really like "ANIMAL" from the 'Muppet Show'. She just plays better and is a lot better looking. ;)

    Bret - The voice. She's fun, witty and able to work a crowd like the most experienced of rockers

    So why gush about the Donnas? Why not? I saw them open for Maroon 5 the weekend of my birthday. I got their autographs and enthusiastic 'Happy birthday's from them when my friend -Hi Judy- mentioned it. (SWEET !!!) Their set was awesome. I was so elated to meet them that I told them, truthfully, I could have left happy at that point. I missed some of the M5 set to meet the Donnas. It was more than worth it.

    I am sure if you have read this whole thing (and wasted 5 minutes of 'you time') you are now bored to tears. The sad thing is I really just wanted to put the picture up. My point is, if you can go see the Donnas.

    20 July 2005

    Please Don't Feed the Anime

    I know I should not but I have to feed my Obsession.

    No, really I am well aware of the fact that I do not have a life.

    R.O.D - Read or Die
    R.O.D the TV - Read or Dream

    If I were an agent of the Royal British Library Special Forces Unit (reference the show) I would be "Ms. Taken". My special ability would be always being wrong. This is an advantage because you know to do the exact opposite of everything I say. That would finally come in handy.

    Maybe I could be Ms. Deep's I-gin clone, Agent Unfathomable. You cannot quite get to the bottom of what you do not understand. I would throw my enemy into a state of extreme confusion, kind of like I do with my friends.

    Well I have rambled more than long enough. Remember Read or Die because if you choose not to, God help you, there is a possibility you could end up like me.

    18 July 2005

    Confessions of a Former 'Good Girl' - Part II

    I am confused. It is a great thing to have friends with varying opinions. You see I have been talking to my friends about this whole jumping out of the flight of the 'good girl' and doing well I am not quite sure but something not so strict and regimented.

    I have friends that say they trust my ability to make the right decisions based on convictions that they know, and I very well know, are deeply rooted in me. Then I have my friends that are more than a little alarmed dare I say frightened by the twists and turns that my life has taken over the past year. Do not think for a moment that I am a wild, get my freak on all the time, party girl type. If that is your thing, that is your thing and more power to you for being that bold.

    No I am dying a slow death of destruction, tearing down what I worked so hard to attain bit by bit. Without divine intervention I would be ... well only God knows but I am not completely gone. I still have the curse of having a conscience. In any case 'confused' has been added here because although both sets of my friends say I am rebelling and going through, let me say spiritual teenage angst, they disagree as to what I will do and why I continue to go against the grain. But does either side stop to truly consider that if I am thinking of doing something stupid I may not follow through with it. Those who 'trust' me still have their doubts.

    Apparently to one group I still have 'Good Girl' tendencies - I am just confused and have issues. (we all do) The other group has decided, that my poor, sweet, innocent 'Good Girl' has given up the ghost. She is dead. Who knows if she will be able to be revived. I have gone off the deep end and we do not know if there is hope for her anymore.

    To the one, belief is the best encouragement, it reminds me of how love showed me the truth. To the other, this time I will follow the admonition and say nothing at all. Either way it goes I love you all and this Girl whatever state she is in knows the truth of her condition lies in none of your hands.

    17 July 2005

    FLIRT (It's Almost a Four Letter Word)

    Today's thought is short, simple and not so surprisingly, stupid.

    People who flirt with no intention of following through should be forced to face a firing squad.

    That is my thoug----- OH SNAP!!! Gotta unplug and run, here they come!!!!!!!

    Addendum (22 July 2005):
    No really, I still like to flirt and I'm not saying it will always lead somewhere. That is juvenile thinking. But there is a point where it is good to back off and move on to the next challenger if you are not impressed with the skills. Of course the game is fun and who wants to stop when something is fun? Oh well, it appears that halftime is over and I was just called to the playing field again. Flirting is too much fun to give up even if it means you can get hurt.... Damn firing squad!!!

    15 July 2005

    Read or Die (the TV makes stupid you)

    Back off, Fanboy, I know it is R.O.D the TV!!

    If you know me you know I like my cartoons. Well of course I LOVE Anime. A year ago I was introduced to the Read or Die (OVA). WOW! Great story, great animation. Late last year I noticed a R.O.D the TV disc and almost exploded with excitement. Then I remembered I was broke :( About two months ago G4 TV ran the series, yay! (does anyone really care about this?) God love geek television. I am officially obsessed. I am almost ashamed to admit that I have a wall scroll. Almost.

    I must apologize to my fellow green aprons because during that three week period I was super driven and focused to get my work done so I could get home to watch my show (no DVR or TiVo and my VCR is grrrrr). Of course after that it was all downhill and I have reclaimed my 'special' crown. Love you guys, love my anime more. Yes I already realize how pitiful I am.

    Everyone has their own escape and I cannot take the regular TV junk, especially "reality" shows. Other than Cartoon Network and G4 TV, my happy list includes ALIAS, LOST, Cold Case, the many incarnations of C.S.I. and Law and Order and Buffy re-runs. TV makes me stupid anyway so I might as well watch things that I enjoy when I get the chance.

    Anime and Music (my other obsession) the two great tastes that ..... nah that is too stupid.

    14 July 2005

    Geek Rock Fun

    "Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches
    Movin' to the country, Gonna eat me a lot of peaches
    Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches
    Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches"

    Ahh yes from the ever so lovely song "Peaches" by the Presidents of the United States of America. One of the great geek rock bands of the '90s. Such a fun song. It is a talk nerdy to me, silly song full of double entendre ;) Once again a song coincided with my thoughts. And no, not like that! Get your mind out of the gutter!!!

    Okay so I did not GO ,per se, to the country. And I guess I did not so much eat,
    as drink. Then if you want to get technical there was no actual peach involved
    (much like the song). In any case, I just had the most awesome peach margarita ever!! Perfect balance of sweet and tart and no so much alcohol that I cannot think straight. Unlike my buddy, Addison, I am not a big time drinker, but today I decided to indulge myself.

    It probably would have been better to wait until I was off work to enjoy my treat instead of while I was at lunch. I am so ready for a relaxing nap. A big plate of tex-mex, a huge margarita and I sit at a desk almost all day. Bad combination. Until later.

    13 July 2005

    Confessions of a Former "Good Girl"

    No, nothing exciting or enticing to read here but in the near future expect to see an entry entitled "What Constitutes a Good Girl?" This is something that had been on my mind for a while and then a friend made a statement about trying the 'good girl' thing for a while and coming to the conclusion that it was not worth the time and effort. At this time I am trying to organize my thoughts and figure out exactly when I began to think the 'good girl' route was a pointless journey. Not that I am saying it is not a good idea but I went through severe burn out and disillusionment trying to fit the 'good girl' mold. I also am not saying that I have completely given up hope on changing. But at the moment my Nefarious Angel is giving my Butterfly Angel a severe ass kicking. And just in case you are wondering, yes everyday it hurts like hell.

    12 July 2005

    Miracles Never Cease...

    I have nothing important, comedic or even stupid (the miracle) to say today. I am a smart-mouthed, sarcastic, always have to have the last word type of girl. Yesterday someone made a comment that actually stumped me (and made me blush, that is just wrong). I have yet to come up with a smart answer. I NEVER lose in word-play games, but today I must relinquish my tiara. I admit defeat, you win.

    For now.

    Update: 29 July 2005 - I offically threw in the towel a week after this post. I gave up the tiara because I was done in by the better party. No my foot does not taste good.

    11 July 2005

    Cuidado Con Una Mariposa - Be Careful With a Butterfly

    Today's thoughts began after listening to the song 'Waiting Room', track #12 on No Doubt's Rock Steady. The pre-chorus states:
    "If we both want the love and I wait long enough then the ground that we're on might be common"

    I have listened to this song more times than I care to try to count because I absolutely love it. In any case, because of events that have been occurring in my usually rather boring life as of late I realized I was beginning to feel certain emotions that I am not necessarily comfortable with.

    The wings of a butterfly are very delicate. Their wings are not like those of a hummingbird that have to be strong enough to withstand the arduous task of flight as they have it. You know there is that crazy number of times their wings flap in the blink of an eye. Butterflies are different. They seem to float along on whisper-soft breezes gently and deftly, rather than beating the air to the rhythm of a Caribbean drum.

    I am not saying that butterflies are not strong or any less wonderful of a creature, but if you pierce a wing, the already short lifespan is further decreased. Even the proud Monarch with its beautiful, bright golden wings is destined to share the same fate of a lowly moth cousin. Clip, pierce or in any way break the wing and it is grounded. All freedom is now restricted because of a sudden change in the immediate environment. Who knows what caused it: a reckless decision in flight, sheer laziness or maybe the cruelty of another brought about the exploitation of this weakness. No matter how you look at it, it is over for the poor dear because the defenses have been weakened.

    The situation is much the same for the Butterfly Angel. So closely tied to the wings of an angel with their ability to overcome, yet the poor butterfly is not fully developed. More tests and chances to mature must be faced and passed in order to possess the strength to carry angel wings. I am not saddened by the fact that I must further mature but I have accepted that I know my wings and my heart are affected at the same time. They mature and are hurt at the same rate.

    At the moment something that I do not fully understand is prevalent in my thoughts. I cannot even sleep. Something that I am not used to is occurring. I may be young but I am no child, I know that if you play too long eventually someone is going to get hurt. I am, of course, very much accustomed to this being me. I hate this feeling, I fear a puncture in my near future. This is sad because I would rather use this wing to embrace and not to hide and nurse a wound. I am getting myself further and further into trouble here and I know it. But what is it that is said about my moth cousin.... drawn to the flame.

    The more I think --- wait a minute, that is my problem. I am done with thinking about this. I may have delicate wings like a butterfly but I am in no way delicate. I cannot let myself be brought down even if it is concerning my tender and currently softened heart.

    'Cuidado con su corazon' - It will not stay open very long.
    'Cuidado con su mariposa' - Ella es delicada como una rosa.
    'Be careful with your butterfly' - Do not break her heart, she will cry.
    'Cuidado, be careful' - Ya esta llorando.
    'Be careful, cuidado' - Sola esta esperando.

    Okay, I think I'm fine now. The chill pill is kicking in. I am settling into my happy place. Work is a great place to be. Hard times develop character. New experiences are good. New friends, even better although they insist on spelling their names wrong. Happy for the moment.

    09 July 2005

    To Addison:

    Hey I just thought about it and I would like to 'biggie-size' my order. Chris update your blog.

    07 July 2005

    What is a Lost Butterfly Angel?

    The world is an interesting place. Today I awoke to find that the city of London had suffered a terrorist attack. My heart bleeds for those who had to experience this and of course for those who have lost loved ones and friends. Events like this remind me of my own mortality and that myself or someone I care about can be quickly taken away. It helps me to remember to cherish every moment I have with each person I hold dear. Sure this is somewhat cheesy and of course many people say it, but why does it take a tragic event for my ever so thick skull to absorb the truth in it.
    The truth. It is one of those things that I have spent most of my adult life looking for yet at the same time running away from. In one of my favorite songs "Miracle" by Michael Tolcher, he says 'Now you can call yourself a genuine truth-seeker, but watch out 'cause it might be found'. I suppose that is kind of how I feel about it. There are some truths I just do not want to face, thus the name LostButterflyAngel. The truth a lot of times is two inches in front of my face but I go about things the hard way to get LOST and not have to face it. The BUTTERFLY is a symbol of freedom from whatever holds me back and ties me down because when I go through whatever situation it may be, no matter how much I want to fight it, I'll come out on the other side better and more beautiful (as a person). The ANGEL is a symbol of freedom from my fears. I have tons of irrational and also true fears. But I think of an angel as having overcome every fear, even the great one of death itself to arise victorious.
    You would think with these symbols impressed upon my heart and soul I would be a strong person and deeply believe in what I have sought to become as I walk this earth, but the truth is I am very weak. One of these days I will face my challenges as they come and not run until I have to deal with them. On that day my true transformation will begin and I will be that beautiful Butterfly Angel, wings upturned and FREE.