28 July 2006
20 July 2006
Part of me wants to take the easy way out and deny God, then I could not worry about any of this. I would not have to be aware of the battle, I would not have to be accountable and I could have and do whatever I want. Yeah I could do that but I'd still be miserable. The truth has a way of permeating you to your core so that it is nearly impossible for me to deny it. So that's definitely a no go. Ah but that enemy is smart. Every doubt I have ever had is surfacing right now. He wants me to give up and chose the world over God. In so many recent tests God has helped me have a victory. I can't give up on God just because life is hard. I've done that and I'm still picking up the pieces.
By the way, this is all going on in my mind. No one is trying to influence me to leave God or anything like that. I have had to fight my mind more than I care to think so this is not new territory but the battles are getting more intense and somewhat scarier. I refuse to lose this time. Giving up is not an option. God is real and He will prevail. I have made some decisions to move foward in serving God and since then all this emotional stuff has come up. I will continue to fight and God will continue to win.
12 July 2006
As of late a certain friend of mine became a little jealous of my friendship with someone. All in good fun though, no one was hurt but AJ tracked down JR on my MySpace page and decided to ask a simple question. JR's response was so great I just had to post it. Enjoy the fun!
"Are you the scrawny white boy that replaced me?!"- AJ
"I am the energy that flows through the sun and sheds light on the earth giving birth to each new day. I am the wind of a raging storm that howls as it cuts a path through the land then slows to a gentle breeze calming all who it touches. I am the words of the poets who lived in the ages of kings and reach across the centuries to touch the ears of man and pull tears from the eyes of the mighty. I am the enigmatic force that pulls the universe into a bottle and casts it into the sea of forever. I am many things, Love, trapped in the shell of a scrawny white boy....."- JR
*not that it matters but "scrawny white boy" has everything to do with this bumper sticker:*
07 July 2006
03 July 2006
The reason I will no longer pursue a dating relationship with him is simple. I found out the truth that for so long I had hoped I might be able to ignore. God is not important to him. Now I am a believer, I may be the worst of the worst but I believe in and know the truth of God. Although I have spent recent years mad at God and rebelling, shaking my fists and attempting to ignore those truths, ultimately I cannot outrun Him and whatever plan He has for me. When faced with will I follow God or seek solace in a relationship with a man who is an unbeliever, really is there even a choice?
How did I miss this important detail from the beginning? Although I wanted to know, I did not want to know. I was aware that there were "issues" with God on his side, I just did not find out how deep they ran. After all, I had my own probllems with Him. I also thought I had drifted far enough away from God to a point that I would not care. I was wrong. Now I have put myself in a place no one wants to be. I am already mourning the loss of my grandmother so any other emotional situation I face right now is instatnly made worse.
For the first time in a long time I am able to truly experience my emotions to their fullest. I have been under a bit of a haze for a while so everything I felt was weird. Now everything I feel is so strong, it is scary in a way. But all I can do is turn to God in a time like this. I am not equipped to deal with this by myself and I refuse to let this send me over the edge. Last Sunday I had come to the conclusion that I really had to stop running from God. I saw my need in a major way so I decided after lots of prayer but continuing to worry that it was time to really let go. I finally said,"OK God, it's yours. All of these situations that I am constantly worried over are yours!" And I truly meant it and I moved on but the one thing that I in my arrogance, pride and selfishness would not leave before God was James. I thought surely I can have just this ONE thing. I knew it was wrong but I...
The complete truth about his feelings on God came up in conversations Thursday night and Friday morning. I let him know how I felt but where I stood on Saturday.
In any case, have my feelings toward him changed any? No. As I said we've already talked about it and he's cool with it. We are friends. I'm not getting rid of him completely though, I still belive that he was brought into my life for a reason. Back in February I realized I was lacking friends in the guy department. That was such a bother to me that I prayed about it. Within a week I had met James. Maybe he was just meant to be a distraction but it is hard for me to believe that considering when I prayed for my new male friends I specifically prayed for certain things and next thing you know this guy shows up out of the blue that loves manga, anime, games, is not obsessed with television, is incredibly smart, loves to read and who's top 3 Rush songs are the same as mine. Yeah, while I was busy being specific I should have made sure to mention I wanted him to live in Dallas, but oh well just a slight oversight on my part.
Dear friends, if you actually read all of this then you are truly dear to me. Even if you did not you know I still care for you. Please regard me kindly and remember me in your prayers. And James too, who knows, God has broken me once again, in light of that ANYTHING is possible!