30 August 2006

The Word of the Day


I am a poor sport at this and I realize that if I want to move forward from this point in my life one of the things I have to work hard at is forgiveness. There are many situations from my past that I hold on to that are obviously holding me back from the healing I need so that I can grow. I am not good at forgiving myself for things that I have done to hurt those around me.

I also have to forgive those who have hurt me or deceived me or not lived up to what could possibly be an unfair expectation. I am human. I want to be ruled by my emotions and use these grievances to build a wall to protect my heart from future pain. I cannot allow this to happen though. If I choose to not trust I would be no good to anyone and if there is one thing I want for my life it is to be a helpful force in the lives of those around me.

I was recently challenged to think about these things when I read Mary's blog on forgiveness. I have hurt many people in many ways. I have been hard to work with or deal with, I have lied, I have said things with the cruelest intention of bringing the worst kind of pain. I have wanted my way at all costs and I have done things that cause me to hang my head in shame.

Despite all of these terrible things I have been forgiven. Who am I to withhold forgiveness from those who have hurt me when I have been forgiven in such a great way? Increase my faith indeed. But I already know I have to choose the way of forgiveness. It may open me up to receive more pain and troubling times but I would rather forgive that give in to fear and bitterness.

The point of writing this here is to put it in black and white (so to speak). I can easily act like I did not make this decision but all I have to do is see this and I'm sure some of my friends will be quick to remind me this is here. Sometimes accountability is a good thing. I will work hard and I will fight to find the way to what is right.

23 August 2006

How It's Going to Be

I am scared of the many unknowns but I trust God is working and conducting this orchestra. I do not understand everything (nor do I need to) but I am content. I am going to smile anyway.

My grandmother is in heaven. She finished the work she was here for and now she has eternal, peaceful rest. That makes me happy.

My job will end on September 1 and I'm not sure what will happen after that but I will be taken care of. I am grateful for my Starbucks job. I have met some great people and I have also made friends. Friendship is vital to me. That makes me happy.

Yes, I am still waiting and holding out hope that my counterpart is out there but I also know that I am being prepared. I am being molded into the woman I need to be. I am working hard at being a good daughter, sister and friend. I have an awesome family and great friends. I have certain freedoms as a single person that are not to be taken lightly so I am grateful for that. Also I had a thought today that just as I am praying to find him, there is some random guy out there praying to find me. Sounds kind of sappy but that makes me happy.

My family and friends are depending on God to find the strength that they need to face the challenges in their lives. They are asking for help and working the situations out. Some of them are just braving each day and moving forward. They will not be taken down by the harsh realities and unfair punches that life throws. That makes me happy.

So Aisha, you who believe in God and know without a doubt that you are His daughter, plant your mustard seed and let it grow.

22 August 2006

Where It's At

My heart hurts, it is broken, in pieces and I am not feeling balanced or whole. I am not feeling at all needed.

My grandmother is gone. It hurts. There is a big empty whole in my heart that went with her. All I can do is feel it, deal with it and try to go on each moment of each day.

My job ends on September 1 at the airport and at Starbucks, c'mon do you think they really need me? I really feel in the way, useless and ineffective while I am there.

I thought my long wait for my mate was over but it is not. Some force beyond my control thought it would be funny to send Aisha the man of her dreams but left out the all important believing in God thing. So now I'm still waiting, trying to be patient. I'm trying to do what I believe is right and it hurts even more. Oh well, I would rather wait on God than deal with the consequences of my own stupid actions.

I have been watching as many of my family friends go through their own ordeals and rough patches in life lately. Watching the ones I love and care for go through difficult times hurts as much as when I face the pain of my own situations. I am praying for all of you.

So, Aisha, you who claim to believe in God, where is your faith? Don't let your emotions win. Hold out hope...

21 August 2006

Breaking Free

I feel like I am strengthening my wings right now. It seems that everything is a struggle or a fight. I am like the newly formed butterfly whose wings bat at the hard shell of the cocoon to break free. Sure it is no fun and I am quite tired, honestly I wish someone could help me but this is my fight. The only way I will develop the strength to fly on my own is to break free of my own shell. The strength to fight is not mine alone I am depending on the One who has made me, He is watching, He is my cheering section. I will make it and begin anew, balanced and free.