The fight for a soul. Everyday I wake up these days I am so confused. I do so want to work toward having a true relationship with God. But there is so much of me that lacks the faith and patience. Just like everyone else, life happened to me and a lot of what has happened I have not liked or situations have left me so scarred (and scared) that I do not wish to try new things or attempt to have faith that one day this life may actually work out to be something enjoyable. Day after day all I can see is where I have failed here or I could have been better there. It's not like I look at the time I have lived and I can say truthfully that I have so much to be excited about, so much to live for. I used to buy into the lie that if you follow the "right" formulas (ie - do your best at everything and give yourself fully into what you do) eventually you will see the result you want. It's just not like that though. Life was never meant to be controlled by a temporal being such as myself.
Frustration is nothing more than seeing the goal you are trying to attain and no matter how hard you try or what path you take, you can not reach it. Everything is an obstacle, especially me. I have known for years that I am my own worst enemy but it does not really help me to change that fact. It is not like I can look back on a string of successes and say, "Look it worked for you then why not now?" And it is not like I do not know or full well or believe that God is more than capable of changing me into who he wants me to be or helping me to achieve the goals that I fully believe that have come from dreams He gave me. It's just I feel so hopelessly ineffective at everything. I don't allow myself to dream at all anymore. Could you imagine what life would have been like for Joseph had he not held on to his dreams?
I feel as though I have failed miserably at everything I have tried. On more than one occasion I have been asked why I can be there for, believe in, give to and encourage others but not do the same for myself. "Aisha why won't you allow yourself to be the happy person that I know you are? Why is it so difficult for you to love and care for people as openly as it is obvious that you do?" The answer to the question, happy is a wonderful feeling. To unconditionally love someone and be willing to forgive and give without limit is an invigorating thing and something I want to learn more about and grow in. The problem is that every high has a low and I just don't know how to adjust between the two. I would rather (very stupidly) be miserable and not expect much than have to lose a moment of joy or allow myself to be continuously disappointed.
This silly and childish way of thinking in no way works or helps to ease the pain of anything. I try to think back on the days when there was no doubt in my mind that God really does love me even though I am me with all my flaws and weaknesses. When I knew that even though life might be difficult and there may be unexpected twists and turns, I knew, understood and accepted that those bumps along the way were there to teach me lessons to mold me to be the godly woman He wanted me to be. Faith has always been something I was weak in. I am one of those people that you have to prove everything to. Show me data and things in three dimensions. Expecting to take a blind step out and hoping, no knowing, the invisible bridge will show up is not my speed. I believe the basic things (God is God. Period. The Bible is His Word and a my connection to learn about Him and how I should live, etc.) but you know even the devil's minions believe that.
I think in the end I am just afraid to fail God again. I disappoint most people I come in contact with or I am not able to live up to their expectations. These are things that you learn to live with, never quite get used to but live with. But the thought that after all this life the few words I hear will not be, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" but "Away from me, evildoer. I never knew you!" It's a scary thought. But more than just being damned to hell, it's the fact of knowing that I was to scared and too selfish to learn to love the ONE who loved me all along.
The battle wages on...