I am a poor sport at this and I realize that if I want to move forward from this point in my life one of the things I have to work hard at is forgiveness. There are many situations from my past that I hold on to that are obviously holding me back from the healing I need so that I can grow. I am not good at forgiving myself for things that I have done to hurt those around me.
I also have to forgive those who have hurt me or deceived me or not lived up to what could possibly be an unfair expectation. I am human. I want to be ruled by my emotions and use these grievances to build a wall to protect my heart from future pain. I cannot allow this to happen though. If I choose to not trust I would be no good to anyone and if there is one thing I want for my life it is to be a helpful force in the lives of those around me.
I was recently challenged to think about these things when I read Mary's blog on forgiveness. I have hurt many people in many ways. I have been hard to work with or deal with, I have lied, I have said things with the cruelest intention of bringing the worst kind of pain. I have wanted my way at all costs and I have done things that cause me to hang my head in shame.
Despite all of these terrible things I have been forgiven. Who am I to withhold forgiveness from those who have hurt me when I have been forgiven in such a great way? Increase my faith indeed. But I already know I have to choose the way of forgiveness. It may open me up to receive more pain and troubling times but I would rather forgive that give in to fear and bitterness.
The point of writing this here is to put it in black and white (so to speak). I can easily act like I did not make this decision but all I have to do is see this and I'm sure some of my friends will be quick to remind me this is here. Sometimes accountability is a good thing. I will work hard and I will fight to find the way to what is right.
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