06 January 2012

little miss know it (not at) all

Would life really be better if I truly knew it all? Probably not. After all the more I know the more I'm accountable to and the more burdens weigh on me. Why am I thinking about this? Many days I'm ready to beat myself up pretty bad for not knowing how to best fix a situation at work or because I said something that could have been said better. When I review my response to these situations, it is often a round of the blahs after asking the question "Why didn't I know that? (do that?)"

The answer, because I did not know. And I keep having to come to grips with that over and over again. There is a lot I don't know about my job, interactions with people and relationships, leadership, okay life overall. Unfortunately this can trigger fear because if I don't know something or don't feel comfortable talking about things then there are times I will not try or give up before I get started. How boring is that existence where you're not willing to take risks? I am a huge fan of trying new things... well kind of, there's a catch. I will try things once I have weighed them in the "will I end up making a complete fool of myself?" balance. If I cannot answer that with a definitive "no" then I go into "no try" mode. Lame. (of course this is barring the fact that I actually want to look like a fool for a moment because there are times.)

I am not fond of this way of thinking because it becomes self destructive quickly. So today, I am taking a moment to remind myself that it is okay to not have all the answers and to be a bit clueless at times. After all one of may favorite adventures in life is learning and not knowing gives me the opportunity to learn and grow. You know it may just be that no one else actually expects me to know everything that I think I should. I may just be able to forgive myself and move on for actually being human. I am not God, it is not up to me to know it all, just to come to know Him. I think I like that.

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