30 March 2006

Someone, Somebody

Someone bought an XBOX 360 and is looking forward to playing it. Somebody can't wait to get their hands on it. Someone will be on the east coast next week. Somebody in the south will be missing someone. Someone will be talking to somebody later. Somebody will be thinking of words that will be a poem about someone. Someone is starting to get the point that somebody thinks they are special. Somebody hopes someone thinks they are "magnificent". Someone is somebody's cool new friend. Somebody is someone's... well I guess somebody has to be patient enough to find out what someone thinks.

Somebody is so very PITIFUL.

29 March 2006

Attack of the Geek

Well as of late I have had a certain "otaku" on my mind. I have made more than one reference to him and will continue to do so for a while. Weird, just like any other woman a Antonio Banderas, Taye Diggs, Ben Affleck type will turn my head and make me think things I should not but when it comes down to it, the geek is the one who will steal my heart. Not that the current otaku has but that is generally the way it works. I recently bought a gift for a friend on J!NX and was put in touch with my own inner geek. I am really only a geek because it is geeky to want to be one as bad as I do. I'm such a nerd that I went to, get this, Science and Engineering Magnet High School. One of those places you had to apply to get into and get letters of recomendation and all that jazz (I actually used to be quite smart). In any case all of this pointless rambling is because I am going to post this stuff.

if you understand shirt #3, grab a pocket protector and tape your glasses. YOU are a nerd.

Remember: 42 is the answer... and live long and prosper. Ai out.

28 March 2006


(Turn and face the strange)
Don't want to be a richer man
(Turn and face the strange)
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time"

This time it's Bowie ushering in my new layout. I guess I'm feeling a bit MOD today. It's time for something new, something different, something more.... well I don't exactly know but times are ch-changin'. Many new paths in life to take, more to learn, time to grow, maybe even love. I will just have to wait and see. (and watch for the Giddy Police).

27 March 2006

Striking the right chord

Remember my little Yukina?

I finally started my guitar lessons last week! Hooray! I had so much fun that I did not want to leave. My teacher's name is Jevette and she is a riot. She has played forever and is looking to build a new band. Interestingly we have something other than being black women who love guitars in common. Yes ladies and gents she also works for Starbucks. What is it with that place? No matter what I do I cannot escape.

The first thing she did was explain to me that I am not allowed to consider myself a beginner. Apparently I am around intermediate speed. News to me. She asked what I new about guitar and I said oh I know a few chords. So I start with a barre Cminor7 and move through a couple of other things and she breaks out with this Cartman voice and says, "You liar! I'm sorry beginners are not allowed to know barre chords and 7s and shut up and play something."

It was funny. So after I stumbled through Def Leppard's "Two Steps Behind" she grabbed a tab of "Emotion" by Smokey Robinson and says to play it. So we went through that and the Ionian major scale. Good times. Then she busts my groove by saying I have to buy a mic. No buying the mic is not a problem, it is the singing part. God gave me a strong love for music but I was cursed when it came to singing. I have a very flat voice. I am always off key etc... Not a pretty thing but I am told I will be singing to get my notes right and what not. Great!
Progress reports will be posted as long as I can type. After all callouses are developed from lots of painful practicing.

21 March 2006

This is for me

29 years ago today, God saw fit to put me here. I think I am finally happy about it.

MySpace Pictures

I grew up

Many things have been learned in the past 365 days and I think these are the most important.

1) God loves me.
No nothing new here but acceptance of the truth is crucial to understanding it. There is nothing I did or that I can do to change that fact and I have decided to gain my security in life from this most basic truth.

2) I need to love me.
Insecurity and low self-esteem are not inviting qualities. These are not things others see in you and want to be around. I need to be more confident in the abilities that I have and secure in who and whose I am. If I remember number 1 I will be able to be satisfied with myself no matter my status in life.

3) To love others 1 and 2 must be carried in my heart.
I will not be able to give to others in a genuine manner if I don't love God or respect myself. I have been trying and it really does not work the way I want it to.

3 simple things yet it has taken me this long to grasp the importance.

17 March 2006

Emotions and Friendship

Emotions. Sometimes good, sometimes not. This week I was attacked by happy fairies. In a way it's good. I know I don't spend enough time thinking about the good things and actually allowing myself to experience joy. This week I was fortunate enough to get to know a new friend and it's so wonderful because I had been thinking recently I needed a new friend. A friend who not only understands but accepts and can share in my geeky goofiness. I met J three weeks ago and we finally spent some time together this week because he was in Dallas. We have talked and messaged like crazy and I am so tired that my eyes are crossed. I have had such a great week! But eventually all good things have their end. The sirens of sadness always catch up to me. J had to go back home and home is far away. I am not down in the dumps, drag my feet depressed or anything that severe but I do miss him.

Friendship is such an important part of life and sometimes I know I take it for granted. To all of you who are my friends, new or old, know that I love you and care for you all deeply. You are a wonderful group of people and thank you so much for putting up with me.

14 March 2006

What Constitutes a "Good Girl"?

So yeah, it took a while but here goes:

What makes a "good girl" so good? Sugar? Spice? Everything nice? Unfortunately when the professor accidentally added Chemical X to my batch, I did not get super powers but super attitude. My friend said something very interesting to me, "Be good! If you can't do that at least don't get caught." In the end, is this what a good girl truly is?

The so-called "girl next door" could be doing naughty things with any and everyone she meets. In private she may hate her 'closest friends' and outside of church she may damn us all to hell. But according to those who 'know' her, she is an absolute angel. Last one to leave the club Wednesday through Saturday night yet the first hypocrite in the pew early Sunday morning.

I started thinking about this a while back when a new friend told me that she had spent a long time trying to be a good girl but she felt that she was wasting her time. Having gone through a similar realization that left me with such intense bitter feelings, I began to wonder what really makes a good girl vs. what society says makes a good girl.

Of course, most of these are based upon my experience in hyper-Christianity.


  • Don't swear. Bad words or silly promises.

  • Don't get drunk. No problem, I like to drink not forget who I am.

  • Don't lie. A little difficult.

  • Don't cheat.

  • Don't hurt others.

  • Don't be selfish.

  • Don't have excessive pride.

  • Don't break the Ten Commandments.

  • Don't date or live with someone who is not a Christian.

  • Don't and I mean DON'T even think about sex before marriage.

  • Be perfectly humble.

  • Possess a quiet and gentle spirit.

  • Let the men in your life lead you. Not dominate, lead with Christ-like humility.

  • Read your Bible everyday.

  • Attend church and meetings of the church regularly.

  • Don't be pro-choice.

  • Be conservative. And, yes that meant in voting, too. Just as a side note: I vote for who I believe is right not by party and the pulpit is not the place for politics. PERIOD.

  • I am not saying that any of these things are particularly bad, they are not. But being held to a standard of performance perfection to please people rather than a genuine heart to live this way for God is WRONG! That is where this former good girl went bad. For so long I really wanted to live the "right" life. It's just that right for me was never quite "right" enough for some.

    Being that I am one that goes from one extreme to the other, I went from focused good girl to stealth-mode, sneaky bad girl. That is not to say that I am doing the complete opposite of the things on the list. I firmly believe that every action, good or bad, has its consequence. I will have to answer for how I choose to live this life I have been given. But I have done some things that I would not have thought I would.

    So really, what makes a good girl? Is she one who truly holds to and lives by her convictions? Is she the wild party girl who can pull the wool over everyone else's eyes but her own? Or is she the complex chameleon that adapts to the surrounding people and situations. She may be any one or a combination of these. I suspect that this fallen Butterfly Angel may be all three. Love, peace and freedom to all.

    Side note:
    I originally wrote this back in July/ August but never got around to posting it. Lots of emotions and bitterness to sort through. Over the past several months a number of things have occurred in my life and I am not so bitter anymore about the "good girl" thing. I finally remembered what my goal was in all of this. My goal was to love God and to live a life worthy of His love. I wanted to be a woman of upstanding moral character, not a goody two shoes or "good girl". I did not care what society's opinion was of how I chose to live, all I wanted was to please God. Somewhere along the way, my thinking became dark and clouded. I cared more about what I wanted out of life and about pleasing people than living for and loving God. It is a dark day when you decide that there is no room for God in your life because you feel like living the 'right life' is holding you back from your life. Many things have changed in my life and many more issues will be dealt with but this is the beginning of a major character and life change. The Nefarious Angel may never die and she may continue to win more battles but the victory for the war will never belong to her. The Butterfly Angel may still be lost but she is definitely many steps closer to being found and enjoying true Love and Freedom.

    07 March 2006

    Follow up

    By the way, after 14 days:

    Love is...
    Pure and Perfect.

    Remember, I am talking about true love here people.

    Perfect is an interesting word. Look it up before you write me off as young and stupid. Think of how hard you have to work at something in order for it to be perfect.

    Purity is a great and important virtue and refers to more than the general line of thinking associated with such a word.

    To possess a pure and perfect love is a wonderful and amazing feat indeed.

    This round goes to the Butterfly Angel. Nefarious may be due for a LONG permanent vacation.

    02 March 2006


    More than a #, more than perfect
    My favorite.
    Yes. Important to anyone
    Probably not
    but it is for me
    The No. of happy
    the numeral of complete
    The # of forgiveness
    The number of ME!

    Pointless associations:

    American Eagle
    John Mayer
    Zodiac Snake

    Annie Hall
    Close Encounters of a Third Kind
    Star Wars

    Hotel California
    Rich Girl

    The Honourable Schoolboy
    The Thorn Birds

    No one cares
    but it's for me
    done, complete.