Lately I have been thinking I wish I could erase some of my memories.
In volume 4 of the manga there is an interesting conversation between Tohru and Momiji. He is telling Tohru that his mother's memory of him was erased by Hatori. His mother hated the fact that she had given birth to a child that was cursed, she could not accept it. She said it was her biggest regret in life. She was going crazy from it. So Momiji's dad says to him when he is about 6 years old that if he really loves his mama he won't mind if they remove her memories of him being her son. Momiji being a good kid that wants to make his parents happy agrees and his dad says he will love him enough to make up for the love he won't be getting from his mom.
(side note: I cry like a baby every time I read or watch this part)
Momiji: I wonder if I really helped mama. But... I think... I want... to live with all my memories. Even if they're sad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me. Even... even if they're memories I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away... if I keep trying, then someday... someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that. I want to... believe that. Because I want to think... that there's no such thing... as a memory that's okay to forget. That's why... that's why I really... didn't want mama to forget. I wanted her to keep trying. But... that was my selfishness.
while Momiji is speaking Tohru is remembering the pain of losing her mom. She cries and responds:
Tohru: I also... believe that. thinking to herself as she hugs Momiji (he transforms): I want to take any memory... and hold it in my heart... and believe that. So I can become someone who won't let those memories defeat me. Someday... we'll overcome the pain... and we'll have precious memories. *end*
I miss my grandmother so much. Sometimes I just wish the painful memories of her last days could be taken from me. I have been thinking a lot about character traits I would like to see change within myself and that makes me think of the situations that brought me to the point of wanting things to change. Yeah, some real humdingers I would like to get rid of there. I would also like to take away the memories I have of... well I'm sure if you've been near me at all in the last 7 months you know who I want taken away. But I would be running away from all of these things. That would be the easy way out.
I need to remember my grandmother and the many things I learned from her. I loved her and that is why I think about her so much. I needed to experience those things that led me to a desire to change for some reason right. It has been part of my growth and development. I am in a constant state of change (what a lovely oxymoron). There is also nothing wrong with me remembering the joy I felt or looking at how goofy I was because I was twitterpated.
Yes each memory I have is precious in its own way and I will not be defeated by them. It is no fun to live in sadness bound by regret and I refuse to do so. I will not forget but I will learn and grow and become stronger. I will also be happy and look forward to the new memories that are to come.