16 November 2012

dear God

Hey Dad! I know it's been a while and to be honest I'm a little frustrated that the gift You've given me only seems to work here and there. Writing, I would like to believe, is one of the things You've provided to me as a joy and a way that I could encourage others and of course myself. Yet for the past two months, nothing. I know it is not good to complain and I do not want to appear ungrateful but I do feel most alive when I am either writing or serving in certain capacities. To be honest outside of these things I am a little lost.

I know that my life is in Your steady and sure hands, but I will tell You that today I am a bit saddened that I suddenly realized I felt so far removed from the dreams that were in my heart that I could not even remember them. I attempted to tell someone and I could not even come up with it. So as I sit here attempting to eat dinner (3rd attempt in the past hour) I thought I would write down a couple of small things not to remind You, because I know You hold my world, but to remind myself. Here lately the lies have sounded an awful lot like the truth so I know it's time to fight fire with faith, even if it is only the size of a mustard seed.

When I grow up... I would like to be a writer. I know I do not have all the formal training and I know I do not have lots of experiences upon which to draw, but I do have You and I know that You provide for every need. I'm not sure why I resist this so much other than the fact that I know that writing alone is no way to live. It's hard to make a living doing pretty much anything these days and so I tried architecture and even attempting to get into retail sales management and although I would have been good at either, I firmly believe it was Your intent from the beginning to make me a great writer. I stand asking because even at my age I still feel like a child and need developing and wisdom and mentorship and again I know You will provide.

I also want to be a minister of the Gospel of Jesus. Although right now I am having a hard time connecting and feel out of place in certain situations, I believe that You called me to this. I wanted to climb the corporate ladder and be great in the areas of architecture and civil engineering but before I ever set foot on a college campus You told me that You had another plan. I have no idea how to lead others and why anyone would want to follow me as I follow You but You've placed Your heart within me for Your people. I have a great desire to see others experience the true freedom in life that comes from being a disciple of Jesus Christ. I want to see unity among the believers and watch lives be transformed and healed by the power of Your love.

I would like to be successful in these endeavors. I understand that mistakes will be made, relationships will be tested and mended and that not everyone will like me or what I have to say and I am almost at a point where I am okay with that. (Hey, I'm just being honest) Help me to believe for the simple things.

And I might as well say this too... although I am perfectly content with  the idea of being single for the rest of my life, it probably wouldn't be too bad to become a wife and mom... maybe. Perhaps You could help me with my heart here. After all I am getting a bit set in my ways :)

Well Dad this is the small version of the list in black and white, simple. You and I know I have much larger dreams; hopes of seeing the world transformed by the power of Your love, seeing many throughout the country revere Your name, seeing the dead raised, watching the terminally ill be healed and whole, seeing familial restoration run rampant as opposed to divorce and pain and so on and so forth. But today, I'll start small and remind myself that I had a simple dream for my life and I know The Great Big God who put it there and has a good plan for me. Thank You!

With love, Your daughter,
Aisha Nichole
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