23 November 2012

moving forward

The past couple of months I've been discouraged. The current situations in my life have been taking their toll, and I've been letting them. Right now there is a huge battle going on in my mind as evident by my previous post. What will I choose to believe? Entering this season I knew I had a word from God that He allowed this time to come and that He would take care of me. He is not shocked by this situation, nor should I be. But as each day goes by and the resource depletes a bit more, I wonder where is the next bit of provision? I have a small business that I have been struggling to get off the ground and as exciting as it is to try a new venture it can be overwhelming.

But it is more than a financial battle. This is also about who I think I am. In the current job search I am faced with the question, What do I want to do? Although I was an event planner at my last job, that is not really what I want for a career. My new adventure in small business is cool and caters to my entrepreneurial side which I am just now learning about, but this will take a while to build up clients and connections, so what to do in the meantime? Sure I could do event planning again or be an administrative assistant or go back to a sales floor or possibly try to return to architecture but seriously none of those make me excited to get out of bed in the morning. I have logged multiple times here how much I want to write and how awkward I feel when I am not writing.

Two months it was silent here because I felt the flame had gone out in my heart. I feared all creativity in me was lost, that perhaps it was on permanent vacation. This was not true but I was so busy paying that toll to deception that I was too distracted to think clearly. I began to believe I was a failure. I have never thought of writing for a living because it's not as lucrative a career as say architecture (what I studied in school.) I always thought of it as something I would do for fun on the side. I am not saying it's going to be my main stream of income and that I am going to start looking for jobs in that field after all:

  • I have no idea how to get started in the field, 
  • I don't have the proper training, 
  • I fear deadlines, 
  • I am not good enough
  • blah, blah, blah
Get the point? Excuses, excuses. At the end of the day, everyone will not like everything I write. And honestly I'll be okay with that. I know it's impossible to make everyone happy and as such I've decided instead of trying to please everyone else it's time to bring it a little closer to home and make myself happy. I believe God has given me a gift to write and I am always at my happiest when I am living to please Him. I bet it pleases Him when I use the gifts He's given me, so I am going to do that.

Whether or not my next job is in writing or where the financial resource is coming from are still in the air but I am okay with that because I know it's not just floating in the ether, it's in His hands. For far too long I have believed that I could not just turn on the switch and write when I feel like it but I actually can. It's an exercise just like any other, I have to work at it consistently and I will see the result I want. Time to go forward.
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