But it is more than a financial battle. This is also about who I think I am. In the current job search I am faced with the question, What do I want to do? Although I was an event planner at my last job, that is not really what I want for a career. My new adventure in small business is cool and caters to my entrepreneurial side which I am just now learning about, but this will take a while to build up clients and connections, so what to do in the meantime? Sure I could do event planning again or be an administrative assistant or go back to a sales floor or possibly try to return to architecture but seriously none of those make me excited to get out of bed in the morning. I have logged multiple times here how much I want to write and how awkward I feel when I am not writing.
Two months it was silent here because I felt the flame had gone out in my heart. I feared all creativity in me was lost, that perhaps it was on permanent vacation. This was not true but I was so busy paying that toll to deception that I was too distracted to think clearly. I began to believe I was a failure. I have never thought of writing for a living because it's not as lucrative a career as say architecture (what I studied in school.) I always thought of it as something I would do for fun on the side. I am not saying it's going to be my main stream of income and that I am going to start looking for jobs in that field after all:
- I have no idea how to get started in the field,
- I don't have the proper training,
- I fear deadlines,
- I am not good enough
- blah, blah, blah
Whether or not my next job is in writing or where the financial resource is coming from are still in the air but I am okay with that because I know it's not just floating in the ether, it's in His hands. For far too long I have believed that I could not just turn on the switch and write when I feel like it but I actually can. It's an exercise just like any other, I have to work at it consistently and I will see the result I want. Time to go forward.