20 July 2006

Sadness

Yes, so my absence from blogger world is due to my sadness, which is due to the James thing. Simply put, please pray for me my friends. I am fighting quite the battle right now. My emotions are clouding my judgement and clarity, a greater faith in God and surrender are what I am praying for. I hate feeling like this and add on the grief from losing my grandmother and the situation seems unbearable. I will not be taken down by this but there have been moments this week when I wondered if I would make it through.

Part of me wants to take the easy way out and deny God, then I could not worry about any of this. I would not have to be aware of the battle, I would not have to be accountable and I could have and do whatever I want. Yeah I could do that but I'd still be miserable. The truth has a way of permeating you to your core so that it is nearly impossible for me to deny it. So that's definitely a no go. Ah but that enemy is smart. Every doubt I have ever had is surfacing right now. He wants me to give up and chose the world over God. In so many recent tests God has helped me have a victory. I can't give up on God just because life is hard. I've done that and I'm still picking up the pieces.

By the way, this is all going on in my mind. No one is trying to influence me to leave God or anything like that. I have had to fight my mind more than I care to think so this is not new territory but the battles are getting more intense and somewhat scarier. I refuse to lose this time. Giving up is not an option. God is real and He will prevail. I have made some decisions to move foward in serving God and since then all this emotional stuff has come up. I will continue to fight and God will continue to win.
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