03 July 2006

I Believe in a Thing Called Love

Nothing can stop that little truth. Okay, this is what is going on. Yes it is true there is actually a man on the face of this earth that is interested in me. This person to whom I have given part of my heart, yes he does find me interesting enough to be relationship worthy. I should be over joyed but instead I am quite heartbroken and you do not need to look too close to see the tracks of my tears.

The reason I will no longer pursue a dating relationship with him is simple. I found out the truth that for so long I had hoped I might be able to ignore. God is not important to him. Now I am a believer, I may be the worst of the worst but I believe in and know the truth of God. Although I have spent recent years mad at God and rebelling, shaking my fists and attempting to ignore those truths, ultimately I cannot outrun Him and whatever plan He has for me. When faced with will I follow God or seek solace in a relationship with a man who is an unbeliever, really is there even a choice?

How did I miss this important detail from the beginning? Although I wanted to know, I did not want to know. I was aware that there were "issues" with God on his side, I just did not find out how deep they ran. After all, I had my own probllems with Him. I also thought I had drifted far enough away from God to a point that I would not care. I was wrong. Now I have put myself in a place no one wants to be. I am already mourning the loss of my grandmother so any other emotional situation I face right now is instatnly made worse.

For the first time in a long time I am able to truly experience my emotions to their fullest. I have been under a bit of a haze for a while so everything I felt was weird. Now everything I feel is so strong, it is scary in a way. But all I can do is turn to God in a time like this. I am not equipped to deal with this by myself and I refuse to let this send me over the edge. Last Sunday I had come to the conclusion that I really had to stop running from God. I saw my need in a major way so I decided after lots of prayer but continuing to worry that it was time to really let go. I finally said,"OK God, it's yours. All of these situations that I am constantly worried over are yours!" And I truly meant it and I moved on but the one thing that I in my arrogance, pride and selfishness would not leave before God was James. I thought surely I can have just this ONE thing. I knew it was wrong but I...

The complete truth about his feelings on God came up in conversations Thursday night and Friday morning. I let him know how I felt but where I stood on Saturday.

In any case, have my feelings toward him changed any? No. As I said we've already talked about it and he's cool with it. We are friends. I'm not getting rid of him completely though, I still belive that he was brought into my life for a reason. Back in February I realized I was lacking friends in the guy department. That was such a bother to me that I prayed about it. Within a week I had met James. Maybe he was just meant to be a distraction but it is hard for me to believe that considering when I prayed for my new male friends I specifically prayed for certain things and next thing you know this guy shows up out of the blue that loves manga, anime, games, is not obsessed with television, is incredibly smart, loves to read and who's top 3 Rush songs are the same as mine. Yeah, while I was busy being specific I should have made sure to mention I wanted him to live in Dallas, but oh well just a slight oversight on my part.

Dear friends, if you actually read all of this then you are truly dear to me. Even if you did not you know I still care for you. Please regard me kindly and remember me in your prayers. And James too, who knows, God has broken me once again, in light of that ANYTHING is possible!
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