I have a confession to make: I want to be a great wife and incredible mother. This may seem simple and you may think don't all women want that? In reality, the answer is no. Some women want a career or to spend their lives pursuing a passion other than family. For a while, especially early in my life, that was what I wanted. I desired to graduate college with at least 2 or 3 degrees and then work. I wanted to climb the corporate ladder and be the very definition of success. There was not going to be any excuses for me. None of this sob story of a black woman raised in a single parent home tale of woe for me. I wanted to do well and be able to take care of my family and care for those who had cared for me.
In that upbringing I did not have some ideal relationship of marriage to want to get into so it was not a BIG thing for me. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE the idea of relationship. Romance has always been a weakness. And if you've spent any time with me, you know how affectionate I am. So it's not that relationships were not on my radar, they just were not the main focus. Having dedicated my life to the Lord at 16, some ideas had to change and that was in all honesty the first time I considered marriage and also the first time I began to consider children. "Began to consider" because in all honesty the thought of reproducing anything similar to "this fabulousness that is me" SCARES the daylight out of me.
But here I stand 34 years old, single, no suitors on the horizon having never been married and absolutely committed to the call God has on my life. It's not the patience of waiting for a husband that has brought about this feeling of having my confessed dream threatened. After all, My God is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob which means He is also the God of Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel and Leah. All of whom, except Leah who had her own issues, were either challenged with conception or had a difficult pregnancy recorded. Sarah was not only old, the Bible specifically says that "the way of women had left Sarah" Genesis 18:11. At 90 years old she was way past the "sell by", child bearing date. Yet she bore the promised son Isaac whose name means laughter, a reaction of joy. He was a promise not only to Abraham but to Sarah herself from the Lord. And she raised him and saw him grow into a man. She believed for, conceived carried, birthed and grew her dream. So no that's not where the test is coming in, although I must say I know this is the same story that gives me faith to face the threat.
For the past few months, during that "time of the month" (sorry guys, it's a girl thing) I have been so incapacitated by the pain I have experienced that I have missed at least one if not two days each month since September. This month was no exception. However this month was the first time that I realized what this could be. In my history it has not been uncommon to have painful cycles, on the contrary when my sister and I were first having them, we had prescription pain killers. I was probably 28 or 29 before I had a "regular cycle." My sister who is five years my senior has endometriosis. It was so bad that she was not able to get pregnant for many years of her marriage. Now she and her husband have three precious angels but that was after surgery and treatments that I don't want to think about. But, of course, I'm thinking about it. My sister married at 25 and they had their first baby when she was 33. Again, I'm 34 and I would rather not have a baby right away when I do marry. So as I sit here, still considering the uncomfortable pressure I feel right now in my midsection I understand that my dream, that I don't even like to think about is threatened.
I'm still young, especially when you consider Sarah, but that really does not have anything to do with it. This threat that is wanting to creep in so badly is none other than fear. As a book I recently read states, "You have to believe in order to conceive. The two are not separate, they go together." This is yet another distraction sent by the enemy in the familiar wrapping of the fear of failure. If this is as bad as what my sister had, what will I do? After all she was at least married already when she found out. She also was in a better place financially than I am currently. What am I going to do? These are the thoughts competing for my attention.
I'm a woman and not only that, at it's root one of the meanings of my name is companion and as mentioned in a previous post "isha" is the Hebrew word for not only woman but all things feminine. At my core, I was designed for this, yet with the possible threat to my reproductive system this thought that I will not be able to walk out my dream or meet the fulfillment of my name is lurking in the shadows. I am going to the doctor this week and ask for your prayers of agreement for a good report.
The thing that really bothers me, is that this is obviously so much more than a physical attack. I am in a season of revelation. God is revealing to me more of Who He is as well as showing me who I am in Him; the woman He created me to be. I have fought the idea of leadership and consistently found ways to busy myself with "good" stuff that may not always be the "God" thing that I should be doing. But this year I took my stand on Him and said I would trust Him and step out into a leadership role. In August I attended a leadership training class and began to meet with mentors to develop a plan for the group, within my church, that I would like to begin. The next month, this challenge began. Now that could be a complete coincidence but...
In any case, yesterday in looking at all this I decided that if the enemy wanted to fight dirty, then I would fight fire with faith! For the first time last night, I made myself write out my vision for the Lifeteam that I will lead. I wrote down and read aloud the foundational scriptures and why they are important. I decided that no matter what it looks like, no matter what I don't know, no matter what I can't see, no matter what I am unable to change, the enemy will no longer have the authority to use fear to keep me from reproducing whether in the Spirit or at just the right time, physically. I also sat here for a moment tonight and thought should I write this and as you clearly see, I opted for sharing my testimony. I expect that God will reveal Himself as healer in this situation no matter what it is exactly. There are a myriad of things that this physical challenge could be and there is opportunity for fear to rise up and try to take me down. But I have a promise from God myself, one that He made to me. I have not seen that promise fulfilled yet so no matter the challenge I am facing I know that my name is still victory and in due season we will all see His vision birthed through me!