The Breaking and Making of a Writer: a Scene From the Life of Aisha Willis

It was the feeling of heaviness in the limbs after treading water for an extended period of time. The cloying weight of water and betrayal by the body as the head slips beneath the surface. The burning of the lungs as they ache for air.

That is how in over her head she felt. Recently over promoted due to a supervisor’s departure, she was doing her best in an impossible situation.

Solace was found in her childhood hobby, writing. The night of Tuesday, April 10, 2012 she wrote what would become a defining blog post, a point from which she marks time.

Encouraged, lifted above those dangerous waves by her faith and a recent venture back to her love for the written word, she fatefully penned, “When I grow up, which is NOW, I am going to be a writer.”

Six days later Aisha Willis learned she was losing her job.

- - - -

“You don’t know how to give yourself any grace.” The words of Judy Horton, best friend, mentor, and other mother comforted like nothing else.

It was May 2013, and Aisha was still fighting an old darkness.

Standing in the lush green and cobblestone courtyard, on her cellphone, the conversation’s soundtrack was the falling water splashing behind her in the fountain. The Architecture building towered over her physically and emotionally.

“I didn’t finish. Now I’m here for writing,” she complained.

“Aisha, you made all A’s your first semester after 14 years and you want to talk failure?”

The idea that she was heartbroken over not being an architect while exceling at communication suddenly seemed absurd.

“I can’t afford to fail again.” It had taken more courage than she knew she had to return to school. She felt this was her final chance to succeed.

“You won’t. Your dream is alive and kicking. And I’m here with you to help you. I love you.”

- - - -

The sun had just set April 20, 2014 as she prepared to leave. Easter dinner was at her sister’s house and hugs with the adults were complete.

As she spoke with her soon-to-be 10-year-old niece, Lauren, Aisha heard an odd tone in her own voice. Next Kennedy, the youngest, whose eyes never quite met hers during the conversation,

turned for a quick kiss and ran away with a “Bye!”

It was the next conversation that rang the alarm inside. Jordan, the 7-year-old, middle child, exhibits characteristics of autism and born with an extra chromosome, Down’s syndrome.

She is affectionate, but her attention is usually elsewhere and when she speaks, it’s on the level of a 3- or 4-year-old. That night she looked into her Aunt Nikki’s eyes as she spoke with a big smile. Without prompting Jordan joyfully said, “I love you Aunt Nikki!” and wrapped her little arms around Aisha’s neck. The haze was broken.

Aisha could see her destructive thought pattern. But she chose to focus on the arms holding her as tears disappeared into Jordan’s wavy mane of brown hair.

She was saying final goodbyes to the children, to ensure Lauren took care of her little sisters, that Kennedy listened to her parents and that Jordan was always careful.

Life was too much of a trial and she felt the pursuit of her dream was killing her. She was ready to let it.

I’m a failure. Life, I hate you.

The weight of waiting had taken the air out of her lungs. She was underwater and ready to drift into the darkness.

- - - -

The difference in her was marked. Her head was down, eyes not as bright and she wasn’t reaching the heights expected personally or from others.

“The first time I heard her, she struck me as a different kind of student.” Mindia Whittier recalls over a cup of tea in her office. She’s a senior lecturer of public relations at University of Texas at Arlington.

She is referencing an impromptu speech given by each student on the first day of class.

“Aisha was eager to present and her delivery struck me. She is the kind of person who has an influence on others.”

But the Aisha she witnessed in late April 2014 was not the same. She had only submitted one graded assignment and appeared to be distracted. This behavior was inconsistent with her participation and conscientiousness about her performance.

During a one-on-one session Whittier asked permission to ask a personal question. That was all it took.

As Judy said about Aisha, “She loves and lives like a child. Once she determines that someone is

safe, she throws her cards in and will trust them.”

Having decided that Whittier was “safe,” she shared the issues she was facing. Most of it stemmed from the financial burden of not working for two years. This inability to perform in a profitable workplace made Aisha hesitant in school.

She was working for the student newspaper but everyone knows you don’t go into journalism for the pay. She was facing the possibility of four F’s for the semester and eviction from her home. She felt as though she failed. Again.

The gloom was the water she had been treading. But somehow in that moment she saw a light. This woman across from her, an instructor who had no obligation to her, seemed to care.

It was April 22, 2014, and she with her head down and in a quieter voice than normal, told Whittier of the dark thoughts she had been thinking.

- - - -

“Your picture will go here.” The MacBook’s display showed the company’s “Leadership” web page. Aisha’s picture and story would live there soon. “Do you want to give me the copy?” Jeremy asked with a bright smile.

“No.” The ink was still drying on an agreement for her to serve as the content and communications manager for his company. At his inquisitive glance, “I think you should write it. I want to know what made you pick up the phone to select me. Your why will be others’ reason to trust me too.”

He nodded, still smiling. The partnership was off to a good start. The first client to benefit from this connection arrived.

The gentlemen discussed while she began the research process to craft the best message. Aisha chimed in with aspects to consider from the communications and sales standpoint.

As the three discussed business in the sun-filled seating area, Aisha couldn’t help but marvel internally. Was I really that close to the edge four months ago? I’m on leadership team of this company and can envision a future for my own team.

The wonder of it all nearly brought her to tears but she chose to express with words. Taking to Facebook she penned another set of defining words.

“Apparently you can, in a short space of time, go from surviving one of your nightmares to living out a dream. Time to put in more work.”

She smiled as she thought, “Life I’m coming for you.”

in between

curry23.deviantart.com

One of my favorite things when I watch anime is the cool bumps before and after the commercial break. Some of the more memorable ones for me are from Fairy Tail, Outlaw Star and Excel Saga. If you've ever seen these shows, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

In any event, this post is a bump to set up the next entry. It was a story for my feature writing class last semester. The assignment was a 850-word autobiography about an event that shaped you, changed you, anything that made a good story.

Obviously, I was the main source but we had to provide a minimum of two other sources. I asked two of my friends/ mentors to tell me about myself. The experience was enlightening.

I often think it would be such a treat to get to see myself through the eyes of those who believe in me and encourage me. This is especially true when I'm having a moment of weakness, doubting my abilities. In interviewing these two women, my wish came true. I saw an Aisha that I could honestly say I was proud of and humbled to be.

Not all of what was shared comes out in the story, but I have the memories of what was said tucked away in my mind for rainy days. I decided to post the story because the one person, other than my professor, to read it said it may encourage others. That’s my weakness, an opportunity to encourage.

I could not decide whether to call it "The Making of a Writer" or "The Breaking of a Writer" so it's "The Breaking and Making of a Writer: a Scene From the Life of Aisha Willis".  Ridiculously long I know, but I have a tendency to like words. My final draft came in at 1,168 words- just a wee bit over the limit.

that moment when

That cathartic moment when I finally let go and let God.

I'm not trying to tell you I've suddenly figured it out but I realized God had told me something AND that I had not acted on it yet. At issue, I thought I had been obedient. I stepped out. I left the comfortable place physically where all was right. I made a crazy decision and I followed it.

Somehow, today in a moment, I realized I was literally holding on to fear with one hand, and trying to carry out, with hindered faith, what I'd been called to do with the other. I did not believe I was moving anywhere close to my goals. Perhaps I thought I was going in another circle, doomed to repeat yet another cycle of failure. But something has broken off, changed.

I'm not repeating or rehearsing those old moves anymore.

Have you ever tried to type with one hand and get a vast amount of work done? That's akin to what I was doing. I was holding on to the idea that "if only x, y, z, 1, 2, and 3 all line up then I can really..."

But I know that's not how it works. Sometimes you just have to cut loose, let go of everything safe and disappear below the surface of the water. You have to take the first step before you see the full staircase.

Today is February 2, 2015 and I decided let go.

If I look foolish, it's better than being proven a fool for not trying.

If I make mistakes, I won't die, I'll learn and grow.

If I get lost, I'll ask for direction. I am blessed with many mentors.

If...

That's the deal, it's not about if anymore.

I posted about "almost" before, "if" is just as bad.

I can. I will. I must.

I am drawn to this place in the future where great change has occurred because I stepped up to play my role.

I have never, and I mean this, felt so free as I do in this moment.

God told me something and I decided to believe Him and align with His plans.




end note: I wrote this early one morning in February 2015 and somehow never hit publish. I still remember typing this, that feeling I had. I didn't know what all was coming and it was unsettling to say the least. But this moment, has to be remembered and recorded, so I'm hitting publish today, which is May 8, 2016. 
I'm not going to let "if" get in my way. I believe what He said to me.

an open letter from a single woman to the church

So many have undertaken the task to write about singleness in the church and I've read, agreed, disagreed and reposted on my Facebook and Twitter timelines but I have yet to add to the conversation. I've finally gathered a few thoughts I am ready to share. I have some requests, which to be honest, I fear will be ignored or responded to with dismissive phrases.

My requests are simple really:

• I would like to be viewed/valued as a whole person. I know you often tell me I am, but your actions show you believe differently. I am a genuine person who is complete in Christ and able to do great exploits. I am a full-fledged disciple of Christ right now as a single person. I'm the head of my household, everything is my personal responsibility. I am a leader.

• Please stop assuming I'm not busy if I don't have children- or that if a single parent that I am to be pitied. I currently work and go to school, before that I worked an average of 50 hours a week. I know many singles who are "doing the most" to better their careers and their lives and are serving their communities in great capacities. Just because you can't see someone working does not mean they aren't. Also, there are many single parents out there getting it done- I can't say much on this as it's not my situation. 

• I actually don't spend all of my free time wishing I were married. When I do have free time, I like to relax with a good book, newspaper, comic book, manga, anime, or a TED Talk or volunteer or hang out with my friends or watch soccer or... Also reference the previous point.

• Please don't mistake me for some hormone driven, sexual deviant who cannot control their desires. Personally I admit to being human who has sexual desires. I am tempted, but I can and do exercise self-control, a fruit of the same Spirit you have as a married person. I'm not saying there aren't days (weeks, months, seasons...) but I am more than my genitalia.

• Please stop minimizing my feelings by saying marriage doesn't solve problems, it adds more... I'm not disagreeing with you but I would never say to my friend, who has been trying to conceive for 10 years, that having kids just adds stress to your life. It's a bit insensitive.

• Stop telling me that God is preparing me for my mate... Exactly how had God prepared you for your marriage when you were 19, 20, 21, whatever age that He has not also been doing in me since before then? Because although it's not what you mean, it is what you're saying- that you were ready and that I am not.

• I am not impressed by your fancy light shows and trendy themes. I'm not opposed to it, I'm looking for substance along with it. I am looking for a place to connect, to build real relationships with real people. I want to make friends, in a safe environment and be equipped to do the work I've been given to do. It's my child-like hope that we can then all help one another walk in purpose. Seriously.

• This is life, not a role play game. Marriage and kids are not rewards you receive for "leveling up" in your Christian walk- some of you saying things like this were married before you knew the Lord, or did you forget? There are many who have walked as "committed Christians" for years and are still single or are single again. And these people have not done something wrong because they are "still" single.

At the end of the day, as with everything in each one of our lives, this is about God's timing. You see at just the right time Sarah conceived, Isaac's wife was brought to him, two brothers were born and one was set above the other, a nation had its beginning, the manifested glory of God delivered that nation from bondage and established them, gave them kings and a kingdom. And then in the fullness of time, He sent His Son Who redeemed that nation and every other under the sun for whosoever will respond to His call.

Timing.
Not preparation, although in pursuit of Him we are prepared for greater things than we will ever understand.

Timing.
Not righteous living. Although righteous living should be our response of love to Him.

Timing.
Not rehearsing the events of the book of Ruth as though it were some guide to mate procurement. Although thorough study of the Word will cleanse, purify and renew us to experience an intimacy with God like never before.

Timing.
Not writing down a list of what he or she should be and requesting that. Although I will say that making sure you're living a life that would be attractive to someone else is good.

Timing.
Not endlessly making deals in prayer to negotiate what you want in life. HE doesn't seem to work that way.

Timing. End of story.

So as much as I appreciate your company and encouragement, just remember that I am a real Christian able to carry out the duties of my life and ministry just as I am.

With love,
Aisha Nichole

almost

Almost is a terrible thing I've allowed to happen too often in my life.

I have more times than I can count, according to others around me, been so close to a desired outcome- only to come up short.

I am a reluctant leader, because more times than not, once placed in a position of leadership, I would do something human and be asked why I did what I did. My motives questioned, and my leadership skills minimized.

I have almost measured up to my own brilliance my entire life, but never apparently really reached it.

All I've ever heard about is how much potential I have. I unfortunately let this color my view of me. Apparently I've never done anything well enough- after all if you're not rising to your potential, that's what is being said right? Maybe that's not true and a bit too harsh, but in my gray matter- that's the message I've repeated. The folds in my brain go to pathways and triggers of pain when someone mentions my potential.

I have learned the hard way that I don't fear failure, I fear the effects of success. Once you succeed, when you gloriously mess up, you're paraded around as a fool and then told, you never really were that good to begin with. Must have been a fluke.

I have always been a bit responsibility shy. But I also don't like disorder and I love to solve problems, so I put my head down and get to it, only to be told what I am doing is not needed. Until I'm replaced by someone with credentials and a cool brand who comes along and says the same thing.

I'm told repeatedly to quiet down and watch what I say because I have a way with words, and because of that I have a responsibility. And often times I follow,  I chill only to be asked why it's so difficult to get an answer out of me.

Almost.

I'm tired of almost.

Yes, I'm ranting and complaining. But I can only point the finger at me. I'm a grown up and my decisions and actions are my responsibility. Where does that leave me?

I'm done with almost.

If I gloriously fail, then I'll fabulously learn, regroup and do it better the next time.

At some point I have to accept that I am not, nor will I ever be perfect. TODAY IS THAT DAY. I have made many mistakes but I have also grown and changed.

At some point I have to accept that I am not bad at what I do, I am new at what I do. TODAY IS THAT DAY. By accepting this, I hereby give myself permission to learn, to do the hard stuff, to swing and miss AND on many occasions get a hit, round the bases and bring it home. I don't always have to score, but I do have to step up to the plate.

My mistakes do not define me, they molded me. Mistakes are scars that say at least I tried. There have been many times I was kinetic, moving toward my goals. Tearing into life and enjoying it, for the sake of enjoyment. Not trying to prove myself.

There it is. I've been trying to prove I'm more than potential to someone, God only knows who- because right now, I'm surrounded by people who are encouraging me, who love me despite me.

At some point I have to accept that I am worthy of love. You know what? No matter what TODAY IS THAT DAY!

Today I declare personal freedom from my own prison of perfection, my desire to steer clear of foolishness for the sake of a wreath bestowed by whoever that says I've finally reached some mythical plateau of potential.

I'm not going to chase this high called reached potential any more. I'm doing everything I can to be the best me I can be.

ALL IN!