Control

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Mankind has a control problem. Man wants to be in control all of the time. Although man once controlled it all, we fell. We only had one rule to obey but we didn't, and though we maintain dominion it's not quite the same.

Now here we stand confusing said dominion with domination, influence with manipulation, and conversion with control. In our quest for control we are even foolish enough to attempt to control God. We put Him in a pretty box with a bow and serve Him up with an understanding called religion.

For 400 years from Malachi until John the Baptist religion continued to perform and increase in form and feature instead of wisdom and stature. The Spirit was not attending as He had previously yet business continued as usual. Religion.

How many suffered at the hands of the religious leaders? How many could not reach mythical plateaus of perfection attempting to not only follow Levitical Law but the additional laws of Judaism? All packaged with a bow called Yahew, yet He Himself was not wrapped within?

And then, in due time, a Son came. He was the greatest King, yet He had humble beginnings. His legitimacy questioned from birth. His mission difficult, yet fulfilled masterfully. His followers selected, taught, loved, empowered, and finally after He had perfectly prepared them, sent. The prophecies were fulfilled, the message was simple. Yet man still has his need to control.

And so along the way the love and grace, mercy and kindness of God were cast aside for an angrier, more selective version. This distorted view of a dictatorial ruler who longs to destroy became the narrative to control the population. Religion was used as a tool to cause pain, to start wars, to impose great economic inequality, and sadly to oppress the very people that were meant to be set free.

This desire to control others has led to some of the greatest atrocities of history. And yet somehow, there were always those who knew He was more. They chose to believe and lived in such a way that the Light lived through them. They were willing to give up their desire for control and were instead controlled by the greatest Love ever known.

Today we still desire control. But what will our response be? Will we continue to use religion as a tool to manipulate and dominate or will we finally come home to compassion, empathy, and love? Will we go beyond in our thinking about Who our God really is and what His character is filled with?

Will we continue to make excuses for our god of Religion, or will we exercise the faith it takes to walk in love as our true God has called us?

Will we repent for the years of oppression and dissension caused in "the name of Jesus" or will we continue to look away turning a blind eye to the pain? Are we brave enough to reconcile so that a new outpouring of grace can be revived? After all we keep praying for revival, but keep living as though our pride's survival is of utmost importance.

Are we willing to relinquish control and finally obey? Who knows, maybe that's the recipe for us to all participate in the greatest love story ever told.

that moment when

That cathartic moment when I finally let go and let God.

I'm not trying to tell you I've suddenly figured it out but I realized God had told me something AND that I had not acted on it yet. At issue, I thought I had been obedient. I stepped out. I left the comfortable place physically where all was right. I made a crazy decision and I followed it.

Somehow, today in a moment, I realized I was literally holding on to fear with one hand, and trying to carry out, with hindered faith, what I'd been called to do with the other. I did not believe I was moving anywhere close to my goals. Perhaps I thought I was going in another circle, doomed to repeat yet another cycle of failure. But something has broken off, changed.

I'm not repeating or rehearsing those old moves anymore.

Have you ever tried to type with one hand and get a vast amount of work done? That's akin to what I was doing. I was holding on to the idea that "if only x, y, z, 1, 2, and 3 all line up then I can really..."

But I know that's not how it works. Sometimes you just have to cut loose, let go of everything safe and disappear below the surface of the water. You have to take the first step before you see the full staircase.

Today is February 2, 2015 and I decided let go.

If I look foolish, it's better than being proven a fool for not trying.

If I make mistakes, I won't die, I'll learn and grow.

If I get lost, I'll ask for direction. I am blessed with many mentors.

If...

That's the deal, it's not about if anymore.

I posted about "almost" before, "if" is just as bad.

I can. I will. I must.

I am drawn to this place in the future where great change has occurred because I stepped up to play my role.

I have never, and I mean this, felt so free as I do in this moment.

God told me something and I decided to believe Him and align with His plans.




end note: I wrote this early one morning in February 2015 and somehow never hit publish. I still remember typing this, that feeling I had. I didn't know what all was coming and it was unsettling to say the least. But this moment, has to be remembered and recorded, so I'm hitting publish today, which is May 8, 2016. 
I'm not going to let "if" get in my way. I believe what He said to me.

i am here

I am here because I was sent
I was sent because of a plan
I don't know the whole plan
I walk obediently following a call
I'm not good at walking by faith
Everyday I face fear and doubt
Sad to say right now I lose, a lot
You know what?
I am still here because I was sent
There is still a plan
Everyday a little more is revealed
I make decisions because I am not to aimlessly wander
I have been given gifts
My gift is making room for me
Not because of me or anything I've done
It's a spiritual law
Spiritual laws, like natural ones are always in effect
I can work with or against the goodness of the future
I'm not giving up or giving in
I don't know the details of how now gets worked out
I just know it does and it works well
I will not come this way again
I will not be held back or delayed anymore
Let go of what's mine
I see this trick for what it's been
I won't be  your puppet on a string
I'm not going crazy, I'm going free
He called me here
He made a way
He prepared and sent provision
He always wins

hope, meaning and power

I've noticed that some people like to take biblical principles and teach them as "new revelations of the principles of the elemental truth of the way the world works" and not give proper credit to the Lord who is their Creator Who gave them wisdom to have their "new revelations." The principles work because they are rooted in the way God set up the world but in our hubris we humans think we're teaching the "latest concept" to the starving masses. Unfortunately because so many people do not have a foundation in the word of God, disunity in the Body of Christ and incongruent teaching on how He speaks to us in this day, it is easy to miss Him in what should be obvious.

Speaking positively over yourself and others and shaping your future by speaking where you want to go and what you would like to see are the ways in which God has always ordered creation. After all in the beginning God did say, "Let there be..." and there was AND it was good. He spoke, He set in order, creation came forth. It's not a secret, I promise ;)

In my own fight to push out of darkness, I have found the effectiveness of declaring His word over my life and others and speaking well of myself and others. This has made me have to change how I think about myself. One of the ways I implemented this was to create the wall in the picture above. I call it my Word Wall of Encouragement. Instead of repeatedly saying negative things about myself, speaking death, I have to make the daily decision to speak life. Proverbs 18:21

Below are two affirmation statements that I wrote to declare over my life that have encouraged me. I have others for my family and friends and situations in the world at large. I pray that these bless you and I encourage you to take the time to write out and speak statements of truth and faith over your life, your loved ones, the situations around you and the issues you are passionate about. You may find in doing so you start a chain reaction that leads to great change.

#1
You are looking at one of the most powerful forces in the universe: a woman who knows the Truth, her purpose and has been empowered by the acceptance of her original redeemed and restored, God-given authority by the work of Christ. Good day world I'm coming for you.

#2
Lord Jesus when I look to You, I have hope for my past, meaning in my present and power for my future!

• Hope that my past is not the sum total of who I am, will be and what I am subject to. There are no limits to what I can achieve because You have brought redemption to me.
• Meaning and definition of purpose and peace to attack the challenges that I was born anointed to correct.
• Power to go forward and take the mountain with the confidence of Caleb that the Lord has given me the victory.

shift gears: thrive

Did I not declare that I would bring change?

How many times have I told you that waiting is not what it seems to you?

I do My work while you are asleep

I shift and rearrange so you won’t taste defeat

I made you victorious, My beloved one

Your challengers were destroyed long ago by My Son

Though time may seem short, My plan’s already begun

I’ll tell you again, you’ve already won!

Walk as I tell you and speak My decrees,

The quieter you live the more of Me they will see

Everything you need, I already have

Come follow Me, your Ever Loving Dad

I will never give up, just give in to Me

Surrender in peace, I Am all that you need

I’ve given you this story, I brought it to life

You my beautiful one are now fully alive

I’ve place My Spirit in you, anointed you for the task

Do you need anything of Me? The key is to ask

I’ve set you up to prepare My Son’s bride

Speak to the nations, reconcile and revive!

Worry no more for I send you this day

Command every mountain to move out of your way

I Am truly with you, not only by your side

I flow from within you

It’s with My love that you Thrive!

originally written Nov 26 2011

Because I Need the Reminder

"The WILL of God will never take you where the POWER of God will not PROTECT you."

Sadness

Yes, so my absence from blogger world is due to my sadness, which is due to the James thing. Simply put, please pray for me my friends. I am fighting quite the battle right now. My emotions are clouding my judgement and clarity, a greater faith in God and surrender are what I am praying for. I hate feeling like this and add on the grief from losing my grandmother and the situation seems unbearable. I will not be taken down by this but there have been moments this week when I wondered if I would make it through.

Part of me wants to take the easy way out and deny God, then I could not worry about any of this. I would not have to be aware of the battle, I would not have to be accountable and I could have and do whatever I want. Yeah I could do that but I'd still be miserable. The truth has a way of permeating you to your core so that it is nearly impossible for me to deny it. So that's definitely a no go. Ah but that enemy is smart. Every doubt I have ever had is surfacing right now. He wants me to give up and chose the world over God. In so many recent tests God has helped me have a victory. I can't give up on God just because life is hard. I've done that and I'm still picking up the pieces.

By the way, this is all going on in my mind. No one is trying to influence me to leave God or anything like that. I have had to fight my mind more than I care to think so this is not new territory but the battles are getting more intense and somewhat scarier. I refuse to lose this time. Giving up is not an option. God is real and He will prevail. I have made some decisions to move foward in serving God and since then all this emotional stuff has come up. I will continue to fight and God will continue to win.

I Believe in a Thing Called Love

Nothing can stop that little truth. Okay, this is what is going on. Yes it is true there is actually a man on the face of this earth that is interested in me. This person to whom I have given part of my heart, yes he does find me interesting enough to be relationship worthy. I should be over joyed but instead I am quite heartbroken and you do not need to look too close to see the tracks of my tears.

The reason I will no longer pursue a dating relationship with him is simple. I found out the truth that for so long I had hoped I might be able to ignore. God is not important to him. Now I am a believer, I may be the worst of the worst but I believe in and know the truth of God. Although I have spent recent years mad at God and rebelling, shaking my fists and attempting to ignore those truths, ultimately I cannot outrun Him and whatever plan He has for me. When faced with will I follow God or seek solace in a relationship with a man who is an unbeliever, really is there even a choice?

How did I miss this important detail from the beginning? Although I wanted to know, I did not want to know. I was aware that there were "issues" with God on his side, I just did not find out how deep they ran. After all, I had my own probllems with Him. I also thought I had drifted far enough away from God to a point that I would not care. I was wrong. Now I have put myself in a place no one wants to be. I am already mourning the loss of my grandmother so any other emotional situation I face right now is instatnly made worse.

For the first time in a long time I am able to truly experience my emotions to their fullest. I have been under a bit of a haze for a while so everything I felt was weird. Now everything I feel is so strong, it is scary in a way. But all I can do is turn to God in a time like this. I am not equipped to deal with this by myself and I refuse to let this send me over the edge. Last Sunday I had come to the conclusion that I really had to stop running from God. I saw my need in a major way so I decided after lots of prayer but continuing to worry that it was time to really let go. I finally said,"OK God, it's yours. All of these situations that I am constantly worried over are yours!" And I truly meant it and I moved on but the one thing that I in my arrogance, pride and selfishness would not leave before God was James. I thought surely I can have just this ONE thing. I knew it was wrong but I...

The complete truth about his feelings on God came up in conversations Thursday night and Friday morning. I let him know how I felt but where I stood on Saturday.

In any case, have my feelings toward him changed any? No. As I said we've already talked about it and he's cool with it. We are friends. I'm not getting rid of him completely though, I still belive that he was brought into my life for a reason. Back in February I realized I was lacking friends in the guy department. That was such a bother to me that I prayed about it. Within a week I had met James. Maybe he was just meant to be a distraction but it is hard for me to believe that considering when I prayed for my new male friends I specifically prayed for certain things and next thing you know this guy shows up out of the blue that loves manga, anime, games, is not obsessed with television, is incredibly smart, loves to read and who's top 3 Rush songs are the same as mine. Yeah, while I was busy being specific I should have made sure to mention I wanted him to live in Dallas, but oh well just a slight oversight on my part.

Dear friends, if you actually read all of this then you are truly dear to me. Even if you did not you know I still care for you. Please regard me kindly and remember me in your prayers. And James too, who knows, God has broken me once again, in light of that ANYTHING is possible!

The Greatest Battle

The fight for a soul. Everyday I wake up these days I am so confused. I do so want to work toward having a true relationship with God. But there is so much of me that lacks the faith and patience. Just like everyone else, life happened to me and a lot of what has happened I have not liked or situations have left me so scarred (and scared) that I do not wish to try new things or attempt to have faith that one day this life may actually work out to be something enjoyable. Day after day all I can see is where I have failed here or I could have been better there. It's not like I look at the time I have lived and I can say truthfully that I have so much to be excited about, so much to live for. I used to buy into the lie that if you follow the "right" formulas (ie - do your best at everything and give yourself fully into what you do) eventually you will see the result you want. It's just not like that though. Life was never meant to be controlled by a temporal being such as myself.

Frustration is nothing more than seeing the goal you are trying to attain and no matter how hard you try or what path you take, you can not reach it. Everything is an obstacle, especially me. I have known for years that I am my own worst enemy but it does not really help me to change that fact. It is not like I can look back on a string of successes and say, "Look it worked for you then why not now?" And it is not like I do not know or full well or believe that God is more than capable of changing me into who he wants me to be or helping me to achieve the goals that I fully believe that have come from dreams He gave me. It's just I feel so hopelessly ineffective at everything. I don't allow myself to dream at all anymore. Could you imagine what life would have been like for Joseph had he not held on to his dreams?

I feel as though I have failed miserably at everything I have tried. On more than one occasion I have been asked why I can be there for, believe in, give to and encourage others but not do the same for myself. "Aisha why won't you allow yourself to be the happy person that I know you are? Why is it so difficult for you to love and care for people as openly as it is obvious that you do?" The answer to the question, happy is a wonderful feeling. To unconditionally love someone and be willing to forgive and give without limit is an invigorating thing and something I want to learn more about and grow in. The problem is that every high has a low and I just don't know how to adjust between the two. I would rather (very stupidly) be miserable and not expect much than have to lose a moment of joy or allow myself to be continuously disappointed.

This silly and childish way of thinking in no way works or helps to ease the pain of anything. I try to think back on the days when there was no doubt in my mind that God really does love me even though I am me with all my flaws and weaknesses. When I knew that even though life might be difficult and there may be unexpected twists and turns, I knew, understood and accepted that those bumps along the way were there to teach me lessons to mold me to be the godly woman He wanted me to be. Faith has always been something I was weak in. I am one of those people that you have to prove everything to. Show me data and things in three dimensions. Expecting to take a blind step out and hoping, no knowing, the invisible bridge will show up is not my speed. I believe the basic things (God is God. Period. The Bible is His Word and a my connection to learn about Him and how I should live, etc.) but you know even the devil's minions believe that.

I think in the end I am just afraid to fail God again. I disappoint most people I come in contact with or I am not able to live up to their expectations. These are things that you learn to live with, never quite get used to but live with. But the thought that after all this life the few words I hear will not be, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" but "Away from me, evildoer. I never knew you!" It's a scary thought. But more than just being damned to hell, it's the fact of knowing that I was to scared and too selfish to learn to love the ONE who loved me all along.

The battle wages on...