I am a leader, whether or not the world and their hierarchal systems ever deems me manager worthy, does not in any way shape of form remove God-given leadership from me. I am more than a conqueror and an overcomer. Every battle I am facing right now is with purpose and God has this all covered.
Fear does not get to cohabitate here anymore; spirit you are not dealing with the same weakling that I thought I was earlier this summer, the beloved warrior, precious jewel in His crown has awoken in me. Those old tricks will no longer work here, I am kicking you out and will declare the truth, not the lies you want me to believe.
Over the course of the next several months the transformation within me will continue and some may not even recognize me; however, those who have seen my prophetic destiny and who have been encouraging me along that path will see the fruit of their prayers. In the lives of each one of us God is radically reforming and reframing us for what is to come. There are some kingdom assignments we have been given, influence in places we thought we lost it but God redeemed it and wants us to go forward according to His plan ans strategy! I can hardly contain my smile. It's time to do this now!
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
28 August 2011
30 October 2006
7 Days
I've been in my own place now for 7 days, a full week and do I love it? You bet I do! I did end up with the family cat though, grrr. Don't get me wrong I love the cat, he's great but he is old and needs lots of attention and he sheds fur everywhere. He also cries a lot, I think he misses my mom. Oh well she will be over to see him soon enough I suppose. I'm still trying to get things in order and there is no food in the house but I don't really care that much, the place is mine all mine and everything will be done eventually. Have a lovely week everyone.
16 October 2006
k
The only constant in life is change. Change is many times good and most times scary. Well I get scared anyway, when I cannot see how something is going to work out. In any case here are two of the recent changes:
Amazingly I still work at the airport but I am in a new department
I am moving at the end of this month (finally getting my own place, no roomates)
I tend to get worried about the airport job because, well it still is not a stable position. I'll still be working at Sbux to get insurance and all that jazz so I'll still be working 2 jobs. I should just be grateful that I have work at all. It is not easy trying to find a good job.
I am excited about my new place though. I'll be able to go home and do what I want without worrying about how it will affect someone else. I'll be able to have my friends over for dinner or drinks or games and anime or whatever the heck else I want. I will tell you this though, it is really hard packing. This is mostly because my mom and I are having to finally go through my grandmother's things. It's been four months and I still cry like a baby most days because I miss her so much. I'm keeping a few of her things such as t-shirts, shoes and her old robe. Her scent still remains in some of the items. In any case this part is no fun.
Oh well soon enough I will be in my own place and getting to know myself. Scared? A little. Excited? A lot. Feeling guilty? Not one bit.
I tend to get worried about the airport job because, well it still is not a stable position. I'll still be working at Sbux to get insurance and all that jazz so I'll still be working 2 jobs. I should just be grateful that I have work at all. It is not easy trying to find a good job.
I am excited about my new place though. I'll be able to go home and do what I want without worrying about how it will affect someone else. I'll be able to have my friends over for dinner or drinks or games and anime or whatever the heck else I want. I will tell you this though, it is really hard packing. This is mostly because my mom and I are having to finally go through my grandmother's things. It's been four months and I still cry like a baby most days because I miss her so much. I'm keeping a few of her things such as t-shirts, shoes and her old robe. Her scent still remains in some of the items. In any case this part is no fun.
Oh well soon enough I will be in my own place and getting to know myself. Scared? A little. Excited? A lot. Feeling guilty? Not one bit.
27 September 2006
I'm Going Through Changes
"We shared the years, we shared each day,
In love together we found a way,
But soon the world had its evil way,
My heart was blinded,
Love went astray
I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes"
So this time it's Black Sabbath moving me into a new template. You ever notice that I have seriously diverse musical tastes? It seemed to be time for a change again so I will be playing about with colors and going nutters until I decide on what I like the most. I may go back to some darker colors but who knows? The colors of the last template were centered around a picture of Yomiko "Agent Paper" Readman but here lately I'm feeling very Emily Strange and even a little Princess Ai. Yep, that is pretty much how I see myself a nerdy, angsty diva. Good day to you all!
In love together we found a way,
But soon the world had its evil way,
My heart was blinded,
Love went astray
I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes"
So this time it's Black Sabbath moving me into a new template. You ever notice that I have seriously diverse musical tastes? It seemed to be time for a change again so I will be playing about with colors and going nutters until I decide on what I like the most. I may go back to some darker colors but who knows? The colors of the last template were centered around a picture of Yomiko "Agent Paper" Readman but here lately I'm feeling very Emily Strange and even a little Princess Ai. Yep, that is pretty much how I see myself a nerdy, angsty diva. Good day to you all!
03 July 2006
I Believe in a Thing Called Love
Nothing can stop that little truth. Okay, this is what is going on. Yes it is true there is actually a man on the face of this earth that is interested in me. This person to whom I have given part of my heart, yes he does find me interesting enough to be relationship worthy. I should be over joyed but instead I am quite heartbroken and you do not need to look too close to see the tracks of my tears.
The reason I will no longer pursue a dating relationship with him is simple. I found out the truth that for so long I had hoped I might be able to ignore. God is not important to him. Now I am a believer, I may be the worst of the worst but I believe in and know the truth of God. Although I have spent recent years mad at God and rebelling, shaking my fists and attempting to ignore those truths, ultimately I cannot outrun Him and whatever plan He has for me. When faced with will I follow God or seek solace in a relationship with a man who is an unbeliever, really is there even a choice?
How did I miss this important detail from the beginning? Although I wanted to know, I did not want to know. I was aware that there were "issues" with God on his side, I just did not find out how deep they ran. After all, I had my own probllems with Him. I also thought I had drifted far enough away from God to a point that I would not care. I was wrong. Now I have put myself in a place no one wants to be. I am already mourning the loss of my grandmother so any other emotional situation I face right now is instatnly made worse.
For the first time in a long time I am able to truly experience my emotions to their fullest. I have been under a bit of a haze for a while so everything I felt was weird. Now everything I feel is so strong, it is scary in a way. But all I can do is turn to God in a time like this. I am not equipped to deal with this by myself and I refuse to let this send me over the edge. Last Sunday I had come to the conclusion that I really had to stop running from God. I saw my need in a major way so I decided after lots of prayer but continuing to worry that it was time to really let go. I finally said,"OK God, it's yours. All of these situations that I am constantly worried over are yours!" And I truly meant it and I moved on but the one thing that I in my arrogance, pride and selfishness would not leave before God was James. I thought surely I can have just this ONE thing. I knew it was wrong but I...
The complete truth about his feelings on God came up in conversations Thursday night and Friday morning. I let him know how I felt but where I stood on Saturday.
In any case, have my feelings toward him changed any? No. As I said we've already talked about it and he's cool with it. We are friends. I'm not getting rid of him completely though, I still belive that he was brought into my life for a reason. Back in February I realized I was lacking friends in the guy department. That was such a bother to me that I prayed about it. Within a week I had met James. Maybe he was just meant to be a distraction but it is hard for me to believe that considering when I prayed for my new male friends I specifically prayed for certain things and next thing you know this guy shows up out of the blue that loves manga, anime, games, is not obsessed with television, is incredibly smart, loves to read and who's top 3 Rush songs are the same as mine. Yeah, while I was busy being specific I should have made sure to mention I wanted him to live in Dallas, but oh well just a slight oversight on my part.
Dear friends, if you actually read all of this then you are truly dear to me. Even if you did not you know I still care for you. Please regard me kindly and remember me in your prayers. And James too, who knows, God has broken me once again, in light of that ANYTHING is possible!
The reason I will no longer pursue a dating relationship with him is simple. I found out the truth that for so long I had hoped I might be able to ignore. God is not important to him. Now I am a believer, I may be the worst of the worst but I believe in and know the truth of God. Although I have spent recent years mad at God and rebelling, shaking my fists and attempting to ignore those truths, ultimately I cannot outrun Him and whatever plan He has for me. When faced with will I follow God or seek solace in a relationship with a man who is an unbeliever, really is there even a choice?
How did I miss this important detail from the beginning? Although I wanted to know, I did not want to know. I was aware that there were "issues" with God on his side, I just did not find out how deep they ran. After all, I had my own probllems with Him. I also thought I had drifted far enough away from God to a point that I would not care. I was wrong. Now I have put myself in a place no one wants to be. I am already mourning the loss of my grandmother so any other emotional situation I face right now is instatnly made worse.
For the first time in a long time I am able to truly experience my emotions to their fullest. I have been under a bit of a haze for a while so everything I felt was weird. Now everything I feel is so strong, it is scary in a way. But all I can do is turn to God in a time like this. I am not equipped to deal with this by myself and I refuse to let this send me over the edge. Last Sunday I had come to the conclusion that I really had to stop running from God. I saw my need in a major way so I decided after lots of prayer but continuing to worry that it was time to really let go. I finally said,"OK God, it's yours. All of these situations that I am constantly worried over are yours!" And I truly meant it and I moved on but the one thing that I in my arrogance, pride and selfishness would not leave before God was James. I thought surely I can have just this ONE thing. I knew it was wrong but I...
The complete truth about his feelings on God came up in conversations Thursday night and Friday morning. I let him know how I felt but where I stood on Saturday.
In any case, have my feelings toward him changed any? No. As I said we've already talked about it and he's cool with it. We are friends. I'm not getting rid of him completely though, I still belive that he was brought into my life for a reason. Back in February I realized I was lacking friends in the guy department. That was such a bother to me that I prayed about it. Within a week I had met James. Maybe he was just meant to be a distraction but it is hard for me to believe that considering when I prayed for my new male friends I specifically prayed for certain things and next thing you know this guy shows up out of the blue that loves manga, anime, games, is not obsessed with television, is incredibly smart, loves to read and who's top 3 Rush songs are the same as mine. Yeah, while I was busy being specific I should have made sure to mention I wanted him to live in Dallas, but oh well just a slight oversight on my part.
Dear friends, if you actually read all of this then you are truly dear to me. Even if you did not you know I still care for you. Please regard me kindly and remember me in your prayers. And James too, who knows, God has broken me once again, in light of that ANYTHING is possible!
27 June 2006
My Life in Technicolor
It's been 17 days since my grandmother took her last breath. I am... well I am not sure what I am right now. I miss her more than I can ever express with words and I'll never be able to cry enough tears. I have no regrets and I will not fish for any either, although doing something that silly is well within my character.
I have not been able to accomplish much since then although life has continued to go on and I have been able to get things done. The sun still rises and sets at standard times. I wake up, go to work, cook and clean and try my best to be a good daughter, sister (in-law), aunt, niece, cousin and friend. I have been able to keep up with my half-marathon training and guitar practice and I have been able to see positive results from both.
It's just that with all of this, I still feel so lost in a grey fog. The color is gone from my world sometimes. If there is one color that has a permanent stain on my world it is red. The color of anger, the color of love, the color is faded and flat and has no dimension anymore. For so long I felt I have lived in emotional extremes, much of my world could be placed in black, white or red, those were the colors of my existence. When I turned 28 last year however it seemed my eyes finally began to see the bright light of the spectrum clearly for the first time.
Oddly enough, the first color to come was blue, I was depressed but it was not a deep, dark lonely corner of depression, blue held hope. There was the hope of change. Hope brought yellow, a color associated with brilliance and for me the presence of God. And although at the time I was running away from it, I still felt the presence. The existence and more importantly my acknowledgement of that presence changed the white of solely existing to a white of purity, cleanliness, the ability to be ready for use. As time has continued to go on and I became a caretaker I saw the green of growth, I could grow. I had to grow, I had to change because I was needed in a new capacity. Since March of this year there has been another marked change and this is a big one for me. I believe it will have to be gold because it is a radiant color and confidence is a quality that affects not only me but those I am around. The most important quality that I have attempted to seek once again is what allowed me to see the hope of change. I think this is red, a new red. Of course I am referring to love. I appear to many as tough and hard-nosed, uncaring. But if you really know me you know that within me flows this great love. I have tried to deny it and run from it. I have been hurt by it and wanted to turn my back on it and get as far away from anything so related but alas I cannot remain "lost" forever. I think I have officially lost this battle on being lost, but I digress.
The color in my world right now, the joy that it has brought me, especially in the last six months is so hard to see right now. It's like I've had my eyes dilated with that solution. I am aware that the colors are still there, they have not gone anywhere but they are fuzzy, blurry and hard to distinguish because it's as if they are all attempting to overpower the other. Grief is, I suppose all of those colors competing for attention... I don't know. But I will not give up, I will go on, I have to. There are few things in this world that truly bring me joy, but knowing that my grandmother has finished the race, that she finished the work and has claimed the reward of a faithful servant, that brings inexplicable joy. I will continue to color my world and overcome this lurking darkness.
I have not been able to accomplish much since then although life has continued to go on and I have been able to get things done. The sun still rises and sets at standard times. I wake up, go to work, cook and clean and try my best to be a good daughter, sister (in-law), aunt, niece, cousin and friend. I have been able to keep up with my half-marathon training and guitar practice and I have been able to see positive results from both.
It's just that with all of this, I still feel so lost in a grey fog. The color is gone from my world sometimes. If there is one color that has a permanent stain on my world it is red. The color of anger, the color of love, the color is faded and flat and has no dimension anymore. For so long I felt I have lived in emotional extremes, much of my world could be placed in black, white or red, those were the colors of my existence. When I turned 28 last year however it seemed my eyes finally began to see the bright light of the spectrum clearly for the first time.
Oddly enough, the first color to come was blue, I was depressed but it was not a deep, dark lonely corner of depression, blue held hope. There was the hope of change. Hope brought yellow, a color associated with brilliance and for me the presence of God. And although at the time I was running away from it, I still felt the presence. The existence and more importantly my acknowledgement of that presence changed the white of solely existing to a white of purity, cleanliness, the ability to be ready for use. As time has continued to go on and I became a caretaker I saw the green of growth, I could grow. I had to grow, I had to change because I was needed in a new capacity. Since March of this year there has been another marked change and this is a big one for me. I believe it will have to be gold because it is a radiant color and confidence is a quality that affects not only me but those I am around. The most important quality that I have attempted to seek once again is what allowed me to see the hope of change. I think this is red, a new red. Of course I am referring to love. I appear to many as tough and hard-nosed, uncaring. But if you really know me you know that within me flows this great love. I have tried to deny it and run from it. I have been hurt by it and wanted to turn my back on it and get as far away from anything so related but alas I cannot remain "lost" forever. I think I have officially lost this battle on being lost, but I digress.
The color in my world right now, the joy that it has brought me, especially in the last six months is so hard to see right now. It's like I've had my eyes dilated with that solution. I am aware that the colors are still there, they have not gone anywhere but they are fuzzy, blurry and hard to distinguish because it's as if they are all attempting to overpower the other. Grief is, I suppose all of those colors competing for attention... I don't know. But I will not give up, I will go on, I have to. There are few things in this world that truly bring me joy, but knowing that my grandmother has finished the race, that she finished the work and has claimed the reward of a faithful servant, that brings inexplicable joy. I will continue to color my world and overcome this lurking darkness.
13 June 2006
Lights pt 2
Saturday the light went out.
Earnestine Willis
September 3, 1934 - June 10, 2006
Thank you for everything, granny. I will always love you.
Earnestine Willis
September 3, 1934 - June 10, 2006
Thank you for everything, granny. I will always love you.
12 May 2006
Reach
"If I could reach, higher
just for one moment touch the sky
for that one moment in my life
I'm gonna be stronger
know that I've tried my very best
I'd put my spirit to the test
if I could reach"
Chorus from "Reach" written by Gloria Estefan and Diane Warren
So many times, with so many things in my life I hold myself back. I have these irrational fears that I let grip me and I do not take advantage of some opportunities presented to me because in my mind I have already failed them before I even try. Today we are going to try to do things a little differently. I do not know where the sudden boost of confidence has come from but it is time for a mind change. So starting right now I am taking a baby step to the freedom of forward motion. Meaning? Today I am not going to let my past failures and disappointments determine my destiny. Get up, look forward, move ahead (sounds like a song) and GO FOR IT!!
just for one moment touch the sky
for that one moment in my life
I'm gonna be stronger
know that I've tried my very best
I'd put my spirit to the test
if I could reach"
Chorus from "Reach" written by Gloria Estefan and Diane Warren
So many times, with so many things in my life I hold myself back. I have these irrational fears that I let grip me and I do not take advantage of some opportunities presented to me because in my mind I have already failed them before I even try. Today we are going to try to do things a little differently. I do not know where the sudden boost of confidence has come from but it is time for a mind change. So starting right now I am taking a baby step to the freedom of forward motion. Meaning? Today I am not going to let my past failures and disappointments determine my destiny. Get up, look forward, move ahead (sounds like a song) and GO FOR IT!!
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