I'm Building My Own Sandbox

I will succeed. I will be happy, healthy, financially stable, debt free, and able to give exceedingly. I will have time to spend with my family and friends.

Not everyone's path is the same. Not everyone's success is similar. Tenacity is important, but one person's drive may not resemble another's.

Our differences in approach to life are as diverse as our external makeup. I've often discounted and disqualified myself because I'm not like the other people I admire who are incredibly successful.

But we all have our own ways.

Life likes to help you along sometimes, forcing you to make a quick choice or by virtue of needing to put food on the table, you're moved into something maybe you wouldn't have chosen.

But I believe in THE DIVINE, not coincidence.

I downplayed the friend who said maybe I was like other geniuses... she said when they didn't fit, they created their own paths. I thought she was being silly. After all, I'm no {insert famous trailblazers name here}.

But later, I asked myself why not? Why couldn't I be like them? Why wouldn't I be like them? I'm not difficult for the fun of it; I'm particular.

I do GOOD work, and when I'm with the right team, it's GREAT work. But as a person who has said for years it's important for me to know the rules so that I know I'm effectively breaking them, I think she might be on to something.

Chaos, disorder, problems... I see it and I solve it. And in my mind if I've done it correctly, you never have to know I was there. Communication is one of the major keys to problem solving. I have a knack for it. This post may be disjointed as all get out, but I usually present polished information - whether verbally delivered or via print. I take pride in that.

Mediation is important to me in an effort to reach reconciliation. That doesn't mean everything is delivered in "acceptable," milquetoast, mamby-pambyisms either. But that desire within me to use communication to reach better conclusions, that's a marketable skill. The ability to assimilate information into viable strategies, yeah people pay "consultants" for that.

As another friend said to me recently, "Don't give all that away for free. Do not be afraid to let people know that's how you earn your living." Or in Aisha terms, "My mind is my moneymaker."

I may be the world's latest bloomer but you will feel the light of my life shine on you at some point, whether you know it or not.

I'm building my own sandbox and the castles therein.

He said

If the word of God had an expiration date we would live in the dark.

I'm grateful for His words "Let there be...", "Let Us make...", "It is finished." and many, many more.

He spoke, life is, and nothing changes that. 

He Is immutable. He does not give up, He always loves, always hopes, always protects. He never fails. His promises are yes.

I'm fighting to understand, grab hold of and live from the valuable, simplicity of what He says.

the shore

Image: Cerebrallyvolupte, Deviant Art

I want to go back there into that hazy place

The breeze and temperature like a snapshot

Capturing a moment of perfection

The mist kisses my skin

My hair slightly flowing

The scent is what takes me in

No salt in this air

The sand perfect

Never too coarse or hot

Soft underfoot as I walk

I breathe in the sunset or does it rise

The light abounds

Not just on the horizon

It also seems to come from within

Inhale, exhale

Just the right amount

In and out

I feel so whole

I hear my heartbeat

A rhythm like I’ve never known

I keep time

Breathing deep, sensing everything

I can hear the blood rushing

And then I feel it, the water is at my feet

Washing over me

Not cold, not hot

Just the right warm

And I feel the moisture

Why do I come back here?

Every time like sweet torture

As I turn and look up, the answer is before me

There you are on a distant shore

I can see you

Beautiful

Healthy

Strong

Just the way I want to remember you

Smiling

Happy

And then you’re gone

The mist has taken you again

The kiss on my face is the tears

Interlaced

Flowing

Falling

But I’m grateful for these moments to see you

As you were then, as you are now

Just not how you were in the end

I still loved you then

But you were, no are

so much more

Which is why in my dreams I meet you

On the shore

- Aisha Nichole

#NaPoWriMo2014

the chase, the call

image: clipartbest.com

The pursuit of the Most High God is my life’s highest call
But chasing the dream of comfortable, has led to too many falls

I was taught to follow the money, the surest way to success
Chart your life and schooling according to the salary you’ll get
Now maybe no one owns up to this, but you can bet it’s true
Once they knew I was an artist, it was the best thing they could do

I mean after all they would “save” me, from so much of life’s unrest
And in their own way, they were just looking out for what would be my best
I had to choose something that would produce a great cash flow
And after all with my mind and wit, I was so capable

I could be anything I wanted as long as I would try
So I had to force my creativity over to the other side
I would still be able to use it, just in a different way
Sure the process might kill me but oh well, what the hay

I tried to be so technical and I loved the beautiful forms
But I chained up my love and now my passion is all deformed
I tried so hard to be so good at each and every turn
But after all these years my candle is melted and all burned

So as I stand on this precipice
And take the next small step
I’m returning to my first love
Unsure of what I’ll get

I hear the shadows of your words
Your warnings one and all
But this time it’s my passion 
That breaks forth to stand tall

Whether man notices and bestows his accolades
With certificates of honor or my name known within the trade
That dream of comfort dies today and now takes its fall
I’m reaching for something else, I’ll be known by His call

Before I knew how to, or gained any special skill
He’d gifted me with words from the desk of eternity’s quill
So on this transition’s blank page, I’ll let my inky faith spill
And I will see His plan lived out, and my own dream fulfilled


-Aisha Nichole

#NaPoWriMo14

when there aren't any more words

A person's heart, their emotions, their trust is a precious commodity. It takes time to for something even greater to come out of those connections and relationships.

It is personally imperative to value those who are willing and brave enough to trust me- the ones who extend an invitation into their circle, their world. That kindness is no small thing. I am humbled by the opportunity afforded to be allowed in another's world.

But sometimes, unfortunately more than should be, I'm selfish and can't see beyond the two feet in front of me and I forget to show the proper appreciation for those who are important to me. I say the wrong things carelessly without considering how it may affect them. It seems I'm always apologizing.

I wish to show the sincerity, the genuine affection I have for the ones I hold dear. I don't mean to harm yet there are moments of arrogance when only considering myself, I leave no room to see them, their feelings or think of their investments.

I cannot apologize enough. I have no excuses for my behavior. I understand if I've exhausted forgiveness. However, I do have a request for those willing to allow me to continue to carry their trust.

Please accept my gratitude for your kindness and your patience. Know that when I'm not so busy staring into my navel I can see your brilliance, your value, your concern. It is my hope to add great joy, fun, humor and strength into your life, not to be a drain or a burden. I often miss the mark but I am willing to change and grow.

I appreciate you.

#ProLove

Ladies and gentlemen of the church persuasion we simply have to do better. I saw something today that broke my heart. I will not go into detail but our brothers and sisters should not have to beg, plead and prove themselves for basic necessities. 

We have charitable arms of our churches and faith-based organizations doing what they can to help the community but we only allow them to do so much. Many of us are more eager to send money halfway around the world than we are down the street. [I love mission work so don't get caught up]

We make judgements on those around us. We think because of their need they've sinned or are immoral. We tell them if they had more faith or if they gave more in the offering they would be blessed. The judgements and this twisted thinking become a harsh standard to which those in need must measure up. 

What is wrong with us?

I'm not attempting to bring judgement. I'm checking my own heart. We have to open our eyes to the greater issue.

We have forgotten to LOVE.

I don't know what love looks like to you but there are times real love looks like discomfort. Doing things you don't want to, going somewhere you never thought you would or helping someone you'd rather not. But that's not always the case.

Personally I have experienced some great moments when I got out of my comfort zone and acted "for the sake of love".

I can't just write this and not let the change start with me. 

I've been a class A jerk lately because I'm in a rough patch. The issue has taken a lot of mental real estate, specifically in the area of patience. In other words I've been short-tempered. 

I have no excuse. Life has rough patches and I have to take it as it comes and love all the way through it. And I will. For those I've been short with or hurt I apologize. Please forgive me for not living the life of love and honor that I said I would. I've been too focused on my own little world.

Christians we have the uncommon weapons of love, honor, unity and repentance. We should use them.

After all the One we follow said:

John 13:34-35 Amplified

We're supposed to look like Love. It starts with me. Are you in?

magic words

Today I was told that I don’t have to suffer to make myself fit into a mold that I don’t within the workplace. I believe the words were, “I don’t want you to be miserable while you’re here.” Oddly I’m challenged by that concept, as I am accustomed to the hard way.

This is on the list of the most freeing, life-giving statements I’ve heard. It was more than the words because friends have said it. But the position, the office this person holds made all the difference.

It’s someone in authority. I’ve dealt with intense hurt from authority figures so my interactions with that crowd can be awkward. I didn’t realize how deep into my thoughts the hurt went and how much I allowed it to fuel my smoldering self-loathing.

I come from the school of thought that you go through what you have to until you get to where you going:

“Do what you must until you can do what you want.”

So I would get a job, whether or not it was getting me closer to my desired path and do my best to get the job done. This has worked for a while but I’m not a kid anymore. Surely this axiom has an expiration date.

Unfortunately the damage is that it is hard for me articulate what my “dream” career looks like as I’ve made a career of learning what’s necessary, adapting to the environment and blooming where I’m planted. I’ve worked to support everyone else’s dreams.

But after this talk, I think something broke, in a good way. Now I have Questions:

1.    What’s the big lie?

2.    When did I begin to believe and repeat it?

Answers

1.    The central lie is like an equation:

• Excellence = Perfection, Perfect execution, every time, no matter what, so
• Lack of Perfection = Failure, Failure is always bad and always fatal, thus
• Failure = Inexcusable

2.    This equation became a rule so long ago I don’t remember when I began to believe it. As a result, I don’t think highly of or believe in myself. I don’t regard myself kindly or trust myself. For some odd reason, I think I have to keep myself on a short tether.

Lies, all lies. Vicious, malicious whirlwind of darkness and distraction to the point of filling my mind and heart with crippling self-hatred lies. I don’t even realize how harsh my self-criticism is until someone calls me out for it. If I talked to friends the way I talk to myself, I wouldn’t have any friends.

Today someone asked me what I wanted to do then called me out when I spoke negatively about my ability to make it happen. She took time from her busy schedule to help me. She told me to give my best everyday and that there was no expectation of perfection from me. She said that I could be free to learn from the mistakes I will make. Again not new words but definitely from a different source. She invested in me and gave me a reason to believe in me.

Those beautiful magic words that showed concern for my well being did something to me. I was given a new equation to replace the old one. I literally carry it on a note card in an envelope that says “Open in case of emergency”

Excellence, not perfection.

There is so much freedom in this simple phrase. It is a challenge to the lie. It means that everyday I will give my best and be teachable. I don’t have to expect myself to be perfect. It means when I do make mistakes that I don’t have to fear wrath. I’m not being measured against an impossible standard. I am allowed to fail forward when necessary.

I am free to learn, grow and flourish right where I am and for that I am grateful.

fiction

Quote: Mason Cooley

If you were to ask me how in the world I became so smart {smileys}, I would tell you it's simple. I read. I love to read. However, this was not always the case.

I did not initially like it but I followed my mother's instructions to read until my outlook changed. I didn't understand but one day it finally happened. This jaunt down memory lane is not as random as it may first appear. 

I recently finished reading "Following Polly" by KarenBergreen. I thoroughly enjoyed the book! I compared my experience of this book to the first time, long ago, when I read a Janet Evanovich, Stephanie Plum novel. That's a big compliment.

This post is not a book review, although I may present one later for grins and giggles. I'm writing rather excitedly because I realized after finishing it in less than 24 hours that I was fiction starved. Is it the greatest book ever? I don't think it was vying for that position but that's not the point.

The magic of fiction is that it takes you places you ordinarily are unable to go. It breaks you out of routine. It brings adventure to you in the safe comfort of wherever you are. I needed that. The life of a full-time student is a fun one but I have a tendency to become all broody and serious when I need to take time to enjoy the experience. Sometimes for me to enjoy the fun of my 'real' life I have to see it through the 'pseudo' life eyes of a well-developed character.

This seems silly as I type but many creatives understand it's time with other creatives that spurs greatness on. Somehow I was MIA in my own agenda. I was still reading but I hadn't read a stitch of fiction in I don't know how long.

And although I watched some good shows lately: Castle, Fullmetal Alchemnist: Brotherhood, Rin, Agents of Shield, Sherlock, Dr. WHO,  many of which are fantasy based, it's different when you watch character development rather than reading it. In any case all of this to say I'm back in the fiction zone and I'm loving it.

Oh how longingly I have missed thee and return now with youthful glee!