almost

Almost is a terrible thing I've allowed to happen too often in my life.

I have more times than I can count, according to others around me, been so close to a desired outcome- only to come up short.

I am a reluctant leader, because more times than not, once placed in a position of leadership, I would do something human and be asked why I did what I did. My motives questioned, and my leadership skills minimized.

I have almost measured up to my own brilliance my entire life, but never apparently really reached it.

All I've ever heard about is how much potential I have. I unfortunately let this color my view of me. Apparently I've never done anything well enough- after all if you're not rising to your potential, that's what is being said right? Maybe that's not true and a bit too harsh, but in my gray matter- that's the message I've repeated. The folds in my brain go to pathways and triggers of pain when someone mentions my potential.

I have learned the hard way that I don't fear failure, I fear the effects of success. Once you succeed, when you gloriously mess up, you're paraded around as a fool and then told, you never really were that good to begin with. Must have been a fluke.

I have always been a bit responsibility shy. But I also don't like disorder and I love to solve problems, so I put my head down and get to it, only to be told what I am doing is not needed. Until I'm replaced by someone with credentials and a cool brand who comes along and says the same thing.

I'm told repeatedly to quiet down and watch what I say because I have a way with words, and because of that I have a responsibility. And often times I follow,  I chill only to be asked why it's so difficult to get an answer out of me.

Almost.

I'm tired of almost.

Yes, I'm ranting and complaining. But I can only point the finger at me. I'm a grown up and my decisions and actions are my responsibility. Where does that leave me?

I'm done with almost.

If I gloriously fail, then I'll fabulously learn, regroup and do it better the next time.

At some point I have to accept that I am not, nor will I ever be perfect. TODAY IS THAT DAY. I have made many mistakes but I have also grown and changed.

At some point I have to accept that I am not bad at what I do, I am new at what I do. TODAY IS THAT DAY. By accepting this, I hereby give myself permission to learn, to do the hard stuff, to swing and miss AND on many occasions get a hit, round the bases and bring it home. I don't always have to score, but I do have to step up to the plate.

My mistakes do not define me, they molded me. Mistakes are scars that say at least I tried. There have been many times I was kinetic, moving toward my goals. Tearing into life and enjoying it, for the sake of enjoyment. Not trying to prove myself.

There it is. I've been trying to prove I'm more than potential to someone, God only knows who- because right now, I'm surrounded by people who are encouraging me, who love me despite me.

At some point I have to accept that I am worthy of love. You know what? No matter what TODAY IS THAT DAY!

Today I declare personal freedom from my own prison of perfection, my desire to steer clear of foolishness for the sake of a wreath bestowed by whoever that says I've finally reached some mythical plateau of potential.

I'm not going to chase this high called reached potential any more. I'm doing everything I can to be the best me I can be.

ALL IN!

#gratitudegame

It's the game that when played correctly, everybody wins.

I would like to know, within myself, that I'm living a winning existence. To facilitate a mode of winning, I made the decision to be grateful. I am learning this is the best way to enjoy life. Two hours ago I started crying and tears have been slipping from my eyes here and there since. It's not that I am sad, well maybe just a little but I am mostly grateful. That gratitude is expressing itself in happiness and tears.

Now for a bit of a confession- in reality I am doing my best to fight an overwhelming anxiety that has been building up for a while. It's the paralyzing anxiety that can keep me from moving forward. There are too many good things happening (more on that soon) for me to stop now.

I began to pray to alleviate the fear and as I was praying I moved into a place of thanking God. I felt something stirring within me and instead of being afraid I began to sense this joy.

I simply said, "Thank You for loving me when I am fearful and forgetful."

In that moment, it was as if I felt Him place His arms around me and the emotional dam that was holding back too many things met its end. His presence comforted me and reminded me that He has prepared me for this moment. The promise that says I can do all things in Him is true and I can move forward with gratitude and accomplish the tasks before me.

Yes I'd forgotten about His strength and had yet again become overwhelmed with fear but He didn't give up on me and leave me. When He opened my eyes to see, He was still with me. The tears passed over my smiling lips as I accepted that He really does love me. In my weakness He is not displeased with me, He loves me. Why wouldn't I be grateful?

I chose to write about this to remember the importance of gratitude. If I will keep myself focused on living in a state of gratitude I think I can accomplish more. Too often I am tripped up by my mistakes and attempts at perfection. If I focus on what is ahead of me and remember what I've done well with gratitude and reevaluate where I've missed it, and ask for help to move forward differently, I can win at what I'm doing in life.

I hope you will join me celebrating what you are grateful for and win as you move forward too.

simply amazing

hobbylobby.com

I am simply amazing.

I am not full of myself. Quite the opposite actually. I am plagued with self-doubt. I am challenged by the fear of failure. It is paralyzing. It is not good.

But the lies that I've rehearsed, rehashed and fed myself over and over again are just that, lies! They are not true. They cannot defeat me.

What is true?

I am good because I'm made in the image of God. I am loving and kind through the gift of repentance.

I am smart. God blessed me with that. It requires a lot of hard work. I may gain basic understanding quickly but without deeper investigation to take root, I will falter quickly. This means I actually have to read my textbooks and supplementary articles for practical application. When I don't read, I doubt my understanding even when I'm able to ace a test with general knowledge.

I am socially awkward. It's one of my quirks. It was recently confirmed that I am both strongly extroverted and introverted, an ambivert. I need just as much alone and quiet time to process life as I do social interaction. Still there are times I don't know how to interact with people. I get caught up in the "what will they think about me?" trap sometimes and if I hang out there it gets ugly. Then there are "life of the party" days and I work a room ensuring people are connecting and that all the wallflowers have a chance to meet new people.

I make mistakes, I say the wrong things, I hurt those who love me and am hurt by the same.

I offend when I don't mean to, I talk too much, I swear.

I have failed innumerable times and I keep trying, even though I'm afraid.

I am learning. I am a dreamer. I am a visionary.

I am a student, a journalist and public relations practitioner in training, I am a leader.

I am passionate, I love with my whole heart, I am loyal.

I am dedicated, I am persuasive, I am hard working.

I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am a woman (a beautiful one at that!).

I am a child of God.

I am simply amazing.

And so are you.

photo phun and seeing myself

Tuesday I had the opportunity to have a few pictures of myself taken. I needed a few shots for something I am working on so I called up my good friend Jen and off we went into the world of captured moments.

To be honest I spent most of the day dreading having my picture taken. As I have shared previously, for far too long my opinion about myself has been negative, everything from my own character to my looks. So why in the world would I want to immortalize a moment in a still and have to look at it? Add to that the fact that I have gained about 25 pounds over the last year and I have no reason to want to look at myself. But of course this dread triggered something in me.

I had to look myself square and ask myself why I was letting this happen. There is no good reason for me to despise myself. Sure I have not been perfect, I've hurt others, I've been irresponsible, I have not taken care of myself as I should and I've failed at times. This all has affected how I physically see myself. Although these things are facts, I am a daughter of God Most High, created in His image and this is the truth. He is fully aware of all my faults and He loves me. Not "in spite of" or "because of" He simply loves me. He as my Father gives me my identity and He tells me who I am. When I choose to listen to Him and what He says all the other goes out the door.

Yes, I have done some not so great things in life, but in Jesus I have been forgiven and God sees me as He sees His Son, righteous, free, loved, a vessel for use, honorable, lovely, precious and the list goes on and on. I am someone special! The last post was about the internal struggle I have had with myself and this one the external. I love the fact that He is telling me to get over myself in these areas and now! A couple of weeks ago I started walking again to begin to tackle the weight problem. As far as the rest of the way I view myself, I've had to tell myself, I'm good all of me and I am determined to continue to view myself as He does, not through a lens of negativity and lies. I am going to enjoy the beauty of who I am and love it!

The picture above is one of the spontaneous moments caught when I started laughing about how serious I was being about taking the pictures. After that I relaxed and decided to have a good time. A few more pics are below.

one of these things

"One of these things is not like the others, one of these things doesn't belong" This simple children's song from Sesame Street could have been my life's theme song. When I noticed I was not like everyone else around me, I tried to conform myself to someone else's standard of who I should be. I was young and I thought that was what you had to do because I wanted to be like everyone else, or so I thought. But the truth was that I wanted to be accepted.

Being able to see the truth of that simple fact helps so much. Because as the old saying goes it really is easier to be myself than a cheap copy of someone else. I was terrible at trying to be like others because I was not made for that. I was molded to be the most amazing me, the one-and-only and the great thing is we all were! We are all beautifully and wonderfully unique and that is what makes each of us so special. Our interactions with each other, learning to communicate with each friend and person we meet based on their particular style of communication is a fun challenge.

In taking on that challenge, I do not have to fully change who I am but I have the opportunity to adapt to the situation to help someone else be comfortable enough to communicate. I love it! We were made to interact with one another, accept each other's idiosyncrasies and love one another.

After years of trying to hide "me" out of fear, I was able to accept how great it is to just be me! I like who I am, all of me the silly, funny, responsibly-minded, compassionate, eager to learn, with a desire to know people, smarty pants, encouraging, guitar playing, anime watching, creative woman who loves how her Creator molded her. I have repented for the many times I tried to tell Him how to shape me and submitted to the fact that He knows what He's doing.

I've accepted me and whether anyone else does or not cannot be the fuel I allow to feed my soul. (obviously still working on this but hey) I hope this is an encouragement to take a moment and think about how fearfully and wonderfully made in His image we are. What wonderful qualities did He place within you that reflect a portion of Who He Is? I pray that when He is identified within, that you will hold on to the truth of that and be encouraged any time any lie tries to tell you differently. You are not like the others, you are uniquely you, an awesome wonder in the sight of God.

little miss know it (not at) all

Would life really be better if I truly knew it all? Probably not. After all the more I know the more I'm accountable to and the more burdens weigh on me. Why am I thinking about this? Many days I'm ready to beat myself up pretty bad for not knowing how to best fix a situation at work or because I said something that could have been said better. When I review my response to these situations, it is often a round of the blahs after asking the question "Why didn't I know that? (do that?)"

The answer, because I did not know. And I keep having to come to grips with that over and over again. There is a lot I don't know about my job, interactions with people and relationships, leadership, okay life overall. Unfortunately this can trigger fear because if I don't know something or don't feel comfortable talking about things then there are times I will not try or give up before I get started. How boring is that existence where you're not willing to take risks? I am a huge fan of trying new things... well kind of, there's a catch. I will try things once I have weighed them in the "will I end up making a complete fool of myself?" balance. If I cannot answer that with a definitive "no" then I go into "no try" mode. Lame. (of course this is barring the fact that I actually want to look like a fool for a moment because there are times.)

I am not fond of this way of thinking because it becomes self destructive quickly. So today, I am taking a moment to remind myself that it is okay to not have all the answers and to be a bit clueless at times. After all one of may favorite adventures in life is learning and not knowing gives me the opportunity to learn and grow. You know it may just be that no one else actually expects me to know everything that I think I should. I may just be able to forgive myself and move on for actually being human. I am not God, it is not up to me to know it all, just to come to know Him. I think I like that.

storyteller (repost)

This was originally posted May 12, 2006 on my Snake Ai Musings blog that I specifically started for all things creative. I have been revisiting the question, "What is it that I really like to do and what are the things that I do that bring me the most joy?" I happened to read this in my pondering. I think I may be trying to tell myself something ;)

I always wanted to be a storyteller. I have always had ideas and images running through my mind but the challenge, the art the craft comes in being able to turn all of these ingredients into a delicious masterpiece ready to be ingested and enjoyed by all. We all talk, communicate and use words in everyday interactions but it takes someone special to bring those words to life in a way that can make you laugh, puzzle your mind, bring you to tears. The best stories and books to me are the ones that have you on a rollercoaster of emotion or put you right in the middle of the action. I wanted to be that special person that led people on these journeys. The tour guide that took you away from the routine of your everyday and let you wander into my imagination.

I don't know what I am going to do right now with all these desires. I have been writing a lot lately though, there are 10 works in progress. I am not sure if they will be poems or songs or develop into short stories. I have also returned to my love of books. Oddly enough the thing that has returned me to books was an anime. Of course, that was based on a graphic novel (manga). I may have mentioned it once or twice before - Read or Die. Yes, I know I am hopeless! :p

So many interests and so little time.

well i declare

I am a leader, whether or not the world and their hierarchal systems ever deems me manager worthy, does not in any way shape of form remove God-given leadership from me. I am more than a conqueror and an overcomer. Every battle I am facing right now is with purpose and God has this all covered.

Fear does not get to cohabitate here anymore; spirit you are not dealing with the same weakling that I thought I was earlier this summer, the beloved warrior, precious jewel in His crown has awoken in me. Those old tricks will no longer work here, I am kicking you out and will declare the truth, not the lies you want me to believe.

Over the course of the next several months the transformation within me will continue and some may not even recognize me; however, those who have seen my prophetic destiny and who have been encouraging me along that path will see the fruit of their prayers. In the lives of each one of us God is radically reforming and reframing us for what is to come. There are some kingdom assignments we have been given, influence in places we thought we lost it but God redeemed it and wants us to go forward according to His plan ans strategy! I can hardly contain my smile. It's time to do this now!

Because I Need the Reminder

"The WILL of God will never take you where the POWER of God will not PROTECT you."

365

It was 365 days ago that somone came into my world and turned it upside down. Darn the luck. Yep, I still think of him and what he meant to me.

Just a Girl

Well in the grand scheme of life I am only a woman. Nothing spectacular about me to keep you here by my side or to make you want to try harder to be with me. I am obviously rather easily replaced in your mind and did I ever make it to your heart? I had hoped. But just because you passed on this does not mean that somebody else won't turn up and I'll be able to be the star in that universe. No, I am not angry. My pride is wounded a bit and I could sit and sulk that you so easily forgot me or I could take what I learned and choose to grow. Yes that is what I'll do. I guess I have to finally move past you too. Thanks for the chapter that you helped me to write in this book called my life.

-----
To explain:

I'll keep this simple. I wanted to be important to someone, I really did. I thought I had met someone special and for a short time he was but as much as I wanted to be with him there were certain things about me that I would not change and certain things about him that he would not change. Trust me I thought about it. I wanted to be with him. I also wanted to leave some sort of mark on him (you know that hope that it would be hard to get over me) but he has so already moved on and good for him. I am so glad that he is not like me in this respect and unable to let go of a relationship that was never really official. Today this is really bothering me. I keep writing in the hope that I will write it out of my system. I bear no ill will toward him and I really do hope for the best for him, I'm just sad that the best for him had nothing to do with me.

-----

Now Aisha it really is past time to move on... Let's go!

Sometimes I'm Afraid

At times I am afraid to be me. For the longest time I had painted a mental picture of myself as only being an angry, bitter and hateful soul. I now know that this is not true. I put that face to the world to protect the kind, caring and loving me hoping to avoid the hurts of life but it did not and does not happen that way.

In any case I am angry right now. Very angry about the behavior of some around me and I am scared. I did not want to admit to being angry because I was afraid to go down that path, afraid that I would go and not come back. But in order to truly move past the anger, and be a good friend on all sides, I have to admit it exists in the first place.

Yeah it's true, I'm angry and what I want to do is hate you, talk about you, turn away from you and leave you to face your prison alone. I want to tear you down and wish nothing but the worst of pain and lonliness upon you but I will not do this. I can not do this. I am going to choose to move on. I guess I'm not scared anymore.

I Believe in a Thing Called Love

Nothing can stop that little truth. Okay, this is what is going on. Yes it is true there is actually a man on the face of this earth that is interested in me. This person to whom I have given part of my heart, yes he does find me interesting enough to be relationship worthy. I should be over joyed but instead I am quite heartbroken and you do not need to look too close to see the tracks of my tears.

The reason I will no longer pursue a dating relationship with him is simple. I found out the truth that for so long I had hoped I might be able to ignore. God is not important to him. Now I am a believer, I may be the worst of the worst but I believe in and know the truth of God. Although I have spent recent years mad at God and rebelling, shaking my fists and attempting to ignore those truths, ultimately I cannot outrun Him and whatever plan He has for me. When faced with will I follow God or seek solace in a relationship with a man who is an unbeliever, really is there even a choice?

How did I miss this important detail from the beginning? Although I wanted to know, I did not want to know. I was aware that there were "issues" with God on his side, I just did not find out how deep they ran. After all, I had my own probllems with Him. I also thought I had drifted far enough away from God to a point that I would not care. I was wrong. Now I have put myself in a place no one wants to be. I am already mourning the loss of my grandmother so any other emotional situation I face right now is instatnly made worse.

For the first time in a long time I am able to truly experience my emotions to their fullest. I have been under a bit of a haze for a while so everything I felt was weird. Now everything I feel is so strong, it is scary in a way. But all I can do is turn to God in a time like this. I am not equipped to deal with this by myself and I refuse to let this send me over the edge. Last Sunday I had come to the conclusion that I really had to stop running from God. I saw my need in a major way so I decided after lots of prayer but continuing to worry that it was time to really let go. I finally said,"OK God, it's yours. All of these situations that I am constantly worried over are yours!" And I truly meant it and I moved on but the one thing that I in my arrogance, pride and selfishness would not leave before God was James. I thought surely I can have just this ONE thing. I knew it was wrong but I...

The complete truth about his feelings on God came up in conversations Thursday night and Friday morning. I let him know how I felt but where I stood on Saturday.

In any case, have my feelings toward him changed any? No. As I said we've already talked about it and he's cool with it. We are friends. I'm not getting rid of him completely though, I still belive that he was brought into my life for a reason. Back in February I realized I was lacking friends in the guy department. That was such a bother to me that I prayed about it. Within a week I had met James. Maybe he was just meant to be a distraction but it is hard for me to believe that considering when I prayed for my new male friends I specifically prayed for certain things and next thing you know this guy shows up out of the blue that loves manga, anime, games, is not obsessed with television, is incredibly smart, loves to read and who's top 3 Rush songs are the same as mine. Yeah, while I was busy being specific I should have made sure to mention I wanted him to live in Dallas, but oh well just a slight oversight on my part.

Dear friends, if you actually read all of this then you are truly dear to me. Even if you did not you know I still care for you. Please regard me kindly and remember me in your prayers. And James too, who knows, God has broken me once again, in light of that ANYTHING is possible!

Twitterpated

Well, in the grand scheme of things, there I worse things I could be. To find out why I am admitting defeat, click here. Try to take it easy on me, please.