simply amazing

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I am simply amazing.

I am not full of myself. Quite the opposite actually. I am plagued with self-doubt. I am challenged by the fear of failure. It is paralyzing. It is not good.

But the lies that I've rehearsed, rehashed and fed myself over and over again are just that, lies! They are not true. They cannot defeat me.

What is true?

I am good because I'm made in the image of God. I am loving and kind through the gift of repentance.

I am smart. God blessed me with that. It requires a lot of hard work. I may gain basic understanding quickly but without deeper investigation to take root, I will falter quickly. This means I actually have to read my textbooks and supplementary articles for practical application. When I don't read, I doubt my understanding even when I'm able to ace a test with general knowledge.

I am socially awkward. It's one of my quirks. It was recently confirmed that I am both strongly extroverted and introverted, an ambivert. I need just as much alone and quiet time to process life as I do social interaction. Still there are times I don't know how to interact with people. I get caught up in the "what will they think about me?" trap sometimes and if I hang out there it gets ugly. Then there are "life of the party" days and I work a room ensuring people are connecting and that all the wallflowers have a chance to meet new people.

I make mistakes, I say the wrong things, I hurt those who love me and am hurt by the same.

I offend when I don't mean to, I talk too much, I swear.

I have failed innumerable times and I keep trying, even though I'm afraid.

I am learning. I am a dreamer. I am a visionary.

I am a student, a journalist and public relations practitioner in training, I am a leader.

I am passionate, I love with my whole heart, I am loyal.

I am dedicated, I am persuasive, I am hard working.

I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am a woman (a beautiful one at that!).

I am a child of God.

I am simply amazing.

And so are you.

fighting the fear of failure, part 3 - my decision

This journey to overcome fear of failure has been interesting and I know it’s not over but I know I turned a corner.

I want to share a realization that is serving as a mental sentinel to check, correct and keep out procrastination and analysis paralysis. I believe we learn greatly from others’ experiences but there is a greater resolve, conviction and strength birthed within after we battle to learn in our personal challenges.

The realization is this: It's okay to give my best all the time, no matter how I feel about the situation or if my best is not good enough.

I often get stuck in the thinking space, “What if I give my best and my best is not good enough? What if I fail?” This thought kept me from giving my all. Rather than disappoint with my best I gave a close effort but it was not the best, so if it fell short the reaction of others would not hurt as much.

I know it’s a silly, immature thought pattern but time after time I performed based on this. And the truth is it did still hurt because I knew it was not my best, I did not want to be rejected and I did not want to be perceived as a failure or not good enough.

But the decision I made is this: I will give my best. If it misses the mark, hopefully I will be corrected so that I can become better reaching a new best. And the part that gave me the most hope is if I give my best and it proves to be my best then I can still receive correction so that I can become better reaching a new best.

Either way I become better, ever changing and growing. I have known for years this is how character change happens but for some reason it had not translated over to the tasks I do as well. When I saw this I was encouraged to realize it is okay for me to not know everything or be perfect.

Failure is not the end of the world although I have been conditioned to believe it is. I have the opportunity to learn and grow, to become more and to help others by what I learn in the process. My decision is to keep going and not give the fear of failure any more of my time effort and ability.

the invitation

The times and seasons are a-changing. The atmosphere is charged with an electricity that is coming from battles in the heavenlies and it is spilling over into our lives here. We may not be able to physically lay eyes on the clashes happening but you most likely can feel them. This is a time to be prayerful and seeking the Lord's direction like no other. Yes the calendar will flip over to a new year shortly and I believe that is driving some of this but on a more personal note, your destiny is being fought over and it is up to you to decide to receive and carry out the plans of the Heavenly Father for your life.

We are all here on assignment. Some of us are intimately acquainted with that assignment and are already walking it out. Some of us are walking, faithfully serving in the area we currently have stewardship over. Both places are good. But now as we enter into this key moment of transition it's time to make a decision. What's next? If you're like me you may have a general idea but you may not be sure of the next step, but you are willing to take it. In this place it is so easy for spirits like confusion, doubt and fear to rise up. Just because they decide to show up does not mean that we have to invite them in and entertain them.

It is a basic principle. In order for someone to join you in your home you have to agree to let them in. You can invite someone in because you want to spend time with them. Someone decides they want to spend time with you and they ask to come in and you can agree to let them join you. In either situation you have a choice to agree with the one trying to enter your home. If your best friend wants to come spend time with you, there is a good chance they are readily invited in. However, that one friend or relative who always loves to cause a scene in your home may not be someone you invite back in. Even if they show up unexpectedly, though they are familiar, it may not be the best thing for you to agree to invite them in to relive the same nightmare.

As I sit here contemplating everything I have before me and what I want to see in the coming year I will openly tell you the spirit of fear has been trying to paralyze me today. I have stood at the door all day debating whether or not to let him into my house (my heart) yet again. I have cried and felt uncomfortable most of the day. As I lay before the Lord in prayer a little while ago I asked myself a key question; Why?
Why am I sitting here feeling worthless and like a failure? Because I let a lying spirit come in while I was standing at the door debating whether or not to let fear in. DUH! Sounds dumb right? But while I was distracted talking to one familiar spirit a myriad of others were able to ease on in, bringing with them confusion and the paralysis of fear already had me!

So what should I be doing instead? Well first off, I did pray. I believe going into a quiet moment alone with the Lord is so key. Even though at the time I felt distant and like nothing was happening, I knew that was the safest place to be, in His Presence. That is where revelation and illumination take place. Secondly, my words are ineffective in dealing with spirits unless they are powered by His Word. Because I can talk all day long but when I talk like Him, it is then and only then that things change. Today I specifically went to Psalm 91 for He is my Refuge and Sheild, my safe place and protection. When I am feeling beat up by lies, deception and bullied by fear, the only way to face them is from a safe place of truth. I not only read it, I declared it boldly - out loud in a serious voice. I needed to hear myself say it and so did the enemy coming against me, because this very Word of God is my Mighty and Uncommon Weapon! Next, I literally let those intruders know where they needed to go and it was not here. I commanded them to leave by the Power of the Name of Jesus and renounced any association with them. I then declared who I am. I am the beloved daughter of the Most High King. I am in relationship with God Almighty fully received and loved by Him. Finally, to really fight, I'm telling you about it :)

Now I have gone into my Safe Place, surrendered myself and confessed my current situation. In that place, as always His faithfulness met me. He revealed to me that I had invited in unwelcome guests and that I needed to command them to leave. Now I am ready to move forward beyond distraction to tackle the project from work that is making me weak-kneed and not in the good sense. And then personally to work on my goals, action plan and vision board for 2012 because there is a real Guest I want to invite in, The Holy Spirit. He has with Him an invitation to my date with destiny that will allow me to expand the King's dominion in my area of rule. This is so exciting!

I pray in this season that you will have intimate time with Him like never before and that He would speak to you through dreams and visions and that you would receive your invitation to the next phase of your destiny. May the rest of this year see your life blessed with victory!

Where It's At

My heart hurts, it is broken, in pieces and I am not feeling balanced or whole. I am not feeling at all needed.

My grandmother is gone. It hurts. There is a big empty whole in my heart that went with her. All I can do is feel it, deal with it and try to go on each moment of each day.

My job ends on September 1 at the airport and at Starbucks, c'mon do you think they really need me? I really feel in the way, useless and ineffective while I am there.

I thought my long wait for my mate was over but it is not. Some force beyond my control thought it would be funny to send Aisha the man of her dreams but left out the all important believing in God thing. So now I'm still waiting, trying to be patient. I'm trying to do what I believe is right and it hurts even more. Oh well, I would rather wait on God than deal with the consequences of my own stupid actions.

I have been watching as many of my family friends go through their own ordeals and rough patches in life lately. Watching the ones I love and care for go through difficult times hurts as much as when I face the pain of my own situations. I am praying for all of you.

So, Aisha, you who claim to believe in God, where is your faith? Don't let your emotions win. Hold out hope...

Breaking Free

I feel like I am strengthening my wings right now. It seems that everything is a struggle or a fight. I am like the newly formed butterfly whose wings bat at the hard shell of the cocoon to break free. Sure it is no fun and I am quite tired, honestly I wish someone could help me but this is my fight. The only way I will develop the strength to fly on my own is to break free of my own shell. The strength to fight is not mine alone I am depending on the One who has made me, He is watching, He is my cheering section. I will make it and begin anew, balanced and free.

Sadness

Yes, so my absence from blogger world is due to my sadness, which is due to the James thing. Simply put, please pray for me my friends. I am fighting quite the battle right now. My emotions are clouding my judgement and clarity, a greater faith in God and surrender are what I am praying for. I hate feeling like this and add on the grief from losing my grandmother and the situation seems unbearable. I will not be taken down by this but there have been moments this week when I wondered if I would make it through.

Part of me wants to take the easy way out and deny God, then I could not worry about any of this. I would not have to be aware of the battle, I would not have to be accountable and I could have and do whatever I want. Yeah I could do that but I'd still be miserable. The truth has a way of permeating you to your core so that it is nearly impossible for me to deny it. So that's definitely a no go. Ah but that enemy is smart. Every doubt I have ever had is surfacing right now. He wants me to give up and chose the world over God. In so many recent tests God has helped me have a victory. I can't give up on God just because life is hard. I've done that and I'm still picking up the pieces.

By the way, this is all going on in my mind. No one is trying to influence me to leave God or anything like that. I have had to fight my mind more than I care to think so this is not new territory but the battles are getting more intense and somewhat scarier. I refuse to lose this time. Giving up is not an option. God is real and He will prevail. I have made some decisions to move foward in serving God and since then all this emotional stuff has come up. I will continue to fight and God will continue to win.

Torn

"A part of me wants to leave
but of me wants to be here with with you
and every time I think we're over and done
you do something to get me back lovin' you-
And you got me just torn in between the two
'cause I really wanna be with you
but something's telling me I should leave you alone (leave you alone x2),
And you got me just torn in between the two
'cause I really wanna be with you
but something's telling me I should leave you alone (leave you alone x2)"

bridge/ chorus from "Torn" by LeToya Luckett
This is the song I am loving right now, wonder why?

Wrong, wrong, wrong! You are so very wrong for me, go away! But when you do, will my newfound confidence and joy go too? You have been good for me in a way but I am already more emotionally attached to you than I should be, so I don't think I can even be your friend because, that is to say I... want you. I want to see you, be near you, listen to you, be held by you. This is so very bad, I already know I cannot have you yet I continue to hope that maybe...

Why did I have to find you interesting enough to develop feelings for you? Meeting you and having you become my friend was literally an answered prayer so I cannot really be upset about that. I just want to be special to you, I know you think highly of me and enjoy our friendship but as much as it pains me to say it, I want more. Now, of course, the immature part of me wants to offend you and make you hate me so I can get rid of you completely but that is just childish and stupid. I refuse to sabotage this just to make it "easier" to deal with. Thank you for being my friend, my darling incubus, I'll be okay soon.

These are the emotions that great songs are made of!

The Greatest Battle

The fight for a soul. Everyday I wake up these days I am so confused. I do so want to work toward having a true relationship with God. But there is so much of me that lacks the faith and patience. Just like everyone else, life happened to me and a lot of what has happened I have not liked or situations have left me so scarred (and scared) that I do not wish to try new things or attempt to have faith that one day this life may actually work out to be something enjoyable. Day after day all I can see is where I have failed here or I could have been better there. It's not like I look at the time I have lived and I can say truthfully that I have so much to be excited about, so much to live for. I used to buy into the lie that if you follow the "right" formulas (ie - do your best at everything and give yourself fully into what you do) eventually you will see the result you want. It's just not like that though. Life was never meant to be controlled by a temporal being such as myself.

Frustration is nothing more than seeing the goal you are trying to attain and no matter how hard you try or what path you take, you can not reach it. Everything is an obstacle, especially me. I have known for years that I am my own worst enemy but it does not really help me to change that fact. It is not like I can look back on a string of successes and say, "Look it worked for you then why not now?" And it is not like I do not know or full well or believe that God is more than capable of changing me into who he wants me to be or helping me to achieve the goals that I fully believe that have come from dreams He gave me. It's just I feel so hopelessly ineffective at everything. I don't allow myself to dream at all anymore. Could you imagine what life would have been like for Joseph had he not held on to his dreams?

I feel as though I have failed miserably at everything I have tried. On more than one occasion I have been asked why I can be there for, believe in, give to and encourage others but not do the same for myself. "Aisha why won't you allow yourself to be the happy person that I know you are? Why is it so difficult for you to love and care for people as openly as it is obvious that you do?" The answer to the question, happy is a wonderful feeling. To unconditionally love someone and be willing to forgive and give without limit is an invigorating thing and something I want to learn more about and grow in. The problem is that every high has a low and I just don't know how to adjust between the two. I would rather (very stupidly) be miserable and not expect much than have to lose a moment of joy or allow myself to be continuously disappointed.

This silly and childish way of thinking in no way works or helps to ease the pain of anything. I try to think back on the days when there was no doubt in my mind that God really does love me even though I am me with all my flaws and weaknesses. When I knew that even though life might be difficult and there may be unexpected twists and turns, I knew, understood and accepted that those bumps along the way were there to teach me lessons to mold me to be the godly woman He wanted me to be. Faith has always been something I was weak in. I am one of those people that you have to prove everything to. Show me data and things in three dimensions. Expecting to take a blind step out and hoping, no knowing, the invisible bridge will show up is not my speed. I believe the basic things (God is God. Period. The Bible is His Word and a my connection to learn about Him and how I should live, etc.) but you know even the devil's minions believe that.

I think in the end I am just afraid to fail God again. I disappoint most people I come in contact with or I am not able to live up to their expectations. These are things that you learn to live with, never quite get used to but live with. But the thought that after all this life the few words I hear will not be, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" but "Away from me, evildoer. I never knew you!" It's a scary thought. But more than just being damned to hell, it's the fact of knowing that I was to scared and too selfish to learn to love the ONE who loved me all along.

The battle wages on...