no more small thinking

By now we all know I struggle with thinking less of myself than I should. I think one of the reasons I do this is to keep myself from being a know-it-all jerk, but that's no excuse. I have to learn to balance confidence that is encouraging versus arrogance which is disparaging. I finally see this as another skill to develop, as I would time management.

Today I find myself at a crossroads of decision making. The options before me are all good but which is the best? And I know my choice is wholly dependent upon how I view myself. One of the paths is a little easier than the other and does not require as much from me but that is not what beckons to me, we also know I am a fan of the "hard way". No the choice comes down to my decision to do what's risky and to believe that I can do what I've been preparing to do. I have to decide that even though I may not "feel" like I'm ready that I am more than ready.

For the past six weeks I've been encouraging myself that I am well able to do the tasks and face the challenges before me. There are times that my mind wants to subscribe to the lie, things would be "easier" if I was really doing the right thing. Silly, I know. I recently decided to break out and try something different and its great but I have to push beyond the boundaries of the lies I've allowed myself to believe that place limitations on me.

Right before I decided to write this I was developing ideas for a campaign strategy for a business as an exercise. I was writing down ideas when I realized what I was doing. Did I mention before that I was creating content for an actual client? I am sitting here right now developing ideas that will go nowhere for the sake of practice, yet I even had a moment of hesitation about which path to take for my future. Again, silly.

Well, I suppose writing this out has helped. Decision made. I'm going to take the risk and I already know I'm going to grow. Thinking small has kept the greatness within and I am of the mind that each one of us shining as the star we are to be provides illumination for others to see the path to become the light they are to be which keeps it all going. I will not make a decision that impedes another's progress.

I would like to encourage any who would read this to do the hard things that challenge and develop you. It's like working out, when we first start a new regimen it's uncomfortable, we look goofy and it flat out hurts. But through time, training and consistency goals are achieved and our outlook changes on what we believe we can accomplish. Thinking small keeps us locked into small places but daring to believe and a willingness to put in work will see our capacity and perhaps our responsibilities expand.

paint!: something different, part 3

Life is an interesting series of colorful moments. I believe we come from heaven with certain tools that help us to create wonderful masterpieces in the various areas of our lives. We are each given a particular medium and it takes time, effort, planning and practice to become masters in our medium. When these investments are made diligently and consistently, the results are one-of-a-kind.

However, despite our best planning, practice and performance there are times when an sudden change comes and the medium we are working in changes; finding oneself without employment for instance. As I mentioned in the Square Peg post, I experienced this particular rain storm in my life recently. So now I find myself in a place of need and suitable, gainful employment must be found; a new medium.

Here's the deal though, I don't want just another "job". I have finally decided it's about time I figure out how to do what I really want to do for the rest of my life. Three quick statements: I enjoy helping others. I am creative. At 17 (shortly after becoming a Christian) I knew I wanted to serve in ministry full-time and teach the Word. There I said it in the out loud voice. But because of my background at the time Bible school was not even really a thought. After all I was not one of the ministry kids and I had no idea what one did to go about becoming a minister. And even though I was 17, I knew where the money and "success" were (not in ministry) and there was still a huge part of me that was more concerned with the generic American view of success.

In deciding what to study in college, I had to think about what I like, what I'm drawn to.  Technical things and logistics were an interest but my first loves were the arts, creative solutions and people. I realized at an early age though that the careers that had any type of good salary attached to them were the ones that were in the more technical fields so I attempted to draw myself into those fields.

I studied architecture. I enjoyed the learning and I must say I really thought it was going to be the perfect fit because it appealed to my creative and technical sides and was going to give me the tools necessary to help people. I wanted to be successful as an architect yet school was seemingly defeating me and all the while in my heart I yearned for something different, something more. I wanted to be able to use my writing skills and I wanted to have a more direct involvement with people. These are the medium with which I can produce the best art in life. But I spent a lot of time attempting to use my supplementary tools as the foundational medium.

So it should not come as any surprise that I ended up in a completely different field, retail sales. I can work a sales floor with the best of them, because I listen to people and I have an eye for what is aesthetically pleasing. Put me somewhere with a good product and training and I will get to work changing average sales and conversion numbers into something any leader can be excited about. But again as much fun as this can be, it's not what I hoped for. I want other avenues of creativity.

So how do we get to a title like paint from talking about my diverse work history? During my time as part of the 8.2% and job search I am taking the time to develop my creative side, serve at my church and find other opportunities for service. I have specific time set aside to work on things like writing, guitar practice and I decided to try painting again for the first time in a LONG time. When I was in high school I tried my hand at it a few times (the good ole Joy of Painting kit!) but never worked on developing it, well I'm going for it now. There is just nothing like staring at a big blank page and letting your mind create a picture that soon will show up through your own hand. Although at first it's a bit intimidating, when you see something coming into view a new idea and formation coming to life, it is incredibly exciting.

I know my best medium in life is creative service and why I would attempt to do anything else is beyond me. Going for it!

one of these things

"One of these things is not like the others, one of these things doesn't belong" This simple children's song from Sesame Street could have been my life's theme song. When I noticed I was not like everyone else around me, I tried to conform myself to someone else's standard of who I should be. I was young and I thought that was what you had to do because I wanted to be like everyone else, or so I thought. But the truth was that I wanted to be accepted.

Being able to see the truth of that simple fact helps so much. Because as the old saying goes it really is easier to be myself than a cheap copy of someone else. I was terrible at trying to be like others because I was not made for that. I was molded to be the most amazing me, the one-and-only and the great thing is we all were! We are all beautifully and wonderfully unique and that is what makes each of us so special. Our interactions with each other, learning to communicate with each friend and person we meet based on their particular style of communication is a fun challenge.

In taking on that challenge, I do not have to fully change who I am but I have the opportunity to adapt to the situation to help someone else be comfortable enough to communicate. I love it! We were made to interact with one another, accept each other's idiosyncrasies and love one another.

After years of trying to hide "me" out of fear, I was able to accept how great it is to just be me! I like who I am, all of me the silly, funny, responsibly-minded, compassionate, eager to learn, with a desire to know people, smarty pants, encouraging, guitar playing, anime watching, creative woman who loves how her Creator molded her. I have repented for the many times I tried to tell Him how to shape me and submitted to the fact that He knows what He's doing.

I've accepted me and whether anyone else does or not cannot be the fuel I allow to feed my soul. (obviously still working on this but hey) I hope this is an encouragement to take a moment and think about how fearfully and wonderfully made in His image we are. What wonderful qualities did He place within you that reflect a portion of Who He Is? I pray that when He is identified within, that you will hold on to the truth of that and be encouraged any time any lie tries to tell you differently. You are not like the others, you are uniquely you, an awesome wonder in the sight of God.

growing up

I appreciate patience, favor and grace. This has been extended to me greatly in my life. I also appreciate truth and correction. It may not be my absolute favorite thing at the time but I know the good fruit it produces when paired with a willing spirit. Hebrews 12:11 has been a key scripture for me in my development as I have learned that just as in growing up in chronological time, in the Spirit discipline is a factor to maturity. Over time and trial we learn what is acceptable, pleasing and good. We  are taught early on that we cannot do everything we want to do just because we feel like it nor can we have everything just because we want it and feel we have a right to it.


In any case, I am considering these things today as I celebrate 18 years of relationship with the Lord. On a cold December 19 I made the good confession that Jesus is Lord and I was baptized into a new life. That was the best Christmas present I have ever received. Nothing could compare. I remember being so happy, so excited about what was to come. I am so excited and moved to write this out because of a situation that happened today. 


I was talking briefly with a friend and I brought up something that encouraged me. It is a simple phrase that made me think a little differently about life, "Is there any reason that we should fail?" This simple phrase helped me to frame something in my mind. When I heard it, the response in my spirit was an oft-quoted passage that I really enjoy in the Amplified:


13  I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency].
Philippians 4:13


I'm finally beginning to understand this. I shared this with my friend and began to tell her of some of my landmark failures that I know I allow to keep me bound and not move forward. I was recalling a couple of them when she stopped me and said, "Seriously that was so long ago. Let me help you with something. People tend to find themselves in a "stuck" place when they have a lack of forgiveness in their lives. Either toward themselves or someone else." I confessed that I know it is a lack of forgiveness toward myself. She then replied, "Unforgiveness toward self is just another form of pride. Do you really want to look at Jesus and tell Him that His life, death and resurrection were not enough for you to be forgiven because that is exactly what you are saying by holding on to this?"


As you can tell, my friend is very direct. That is one of the very reasons I so love her. She called me out on the evident sin in my life. Pride is truly like a necklace (Pssalm 73:6). I could not (would not) see it for what it obviously is, it was too close. What gives me the right to despise who the Lord loves? I get angry with people and frustrated and want to react in a certain way, but I know that it is unacceptable. Yet when it comes to tearing down myself, I allow it. This terrible way of thinking makes no sense yet I agree with the voice of the enemy to the point that I manufacture the most ungodly thoughts about myself. Then, unable to think straight (with the mind of Christ) I find ways to sabotage myself and keep this perpetual downward spiral going. And all for the sake of pride, a sin that is guaranteed to bring me low and not in the sense I want to be.


So why am I so excited about this? Now my eyes are open to see what I was blind to before. I see this for what it is. I can repent, I can move on, I can grow. I will not be able to face the next battle or go to the next place on the journey until I deal with the sin that needs to be removed from my camp. I see that I have camped at Mt. Failure in the valley of Self-Sabotage far too long simply because I felt justified in holding on to unforgiveness. I felt this is something I can do and that I had a right to express this since it's toward myself. I have been praying to be free from a cell that I was holding the keys to all this time. "Aisha God will not free you from something you are friends with." When my friend said this, my response was not one of anger, shame or rebuttal. I was instantly grateful because she was speaking the truth and I knew that I needed to repent.


A few years ago, that definitely would not have been my response. I am not sure if that would have been it a few months ago either. But today I sit here, free from the deceptive blindness of pride (at least concerning this situation) and removed from the shackles of unforgiveness. "Forgiveness is not a destination, it is a continual journey. When you feel as though you want to go back to unforgiveness decide to travel further on the road of forgiveness. This is where you will continue to find the Lord." This is where I will find His strength that will infuse and empower me. I can live a successful, obedient life. 18 years ago I was completely forgiven for everything and born into newness. Just as I have been fully forgiven I can extend that forgiveness to others and as I see now to myself. Thank God!