almost

Almost is a terrible thing I've allowed to happen too often in my life.

I have more times than I can count, according to others around me, been so close to a desired outcome- only to come up short.

I am a reluctant leader, because more times than not, once placed in a position of leadership, I would do something human and be asked why I did what I did. My motives questioned, and my leadership skills minimized.

I have almost measured up to my own brilliance my entire life, but never apparently really reached it.

All I've ever heard about is how much potential I have. I unfortunately let this color my view of me. Apparently I've never done anything well enough- after all if you're not rising to your potential, that's what is being said right? Maybe that's not true and a bit too harsh, but in my gray matter- that's the message I've repeated. The folds in my brain go to pathways and triggers of pain when someone mentions my potential.

I have learned the hard way that I don't fear failure, I fear the effects of success. Once you succeed, when you gloriously mess up, you're paraded around as a fool and then told, you never really were that good to begin with. Must have been a fluke.

I have always been a bit responsibility shy. But I also don't like disorder and I love to solve problems, so I put my head down and get to it, only to be told what I am doing is not needed. Until I'm replaced by someone with credentials and a cool brand who comes along and says the same thing.

I'm told repeatedly to quiet down and watch what I say because I have a way with words, and because of that I have a responsibility. And often times I follow,  I chill only to be asked why it's so difficult to get an answer out of me.

Almost.

I'm tired of almost.

Yes, I'm ranting and complaining. But I can only point the finger at me. I'm a grown up and my decisions and actions are my responsibility. Where does that leave me?

I'm done with almost.

If I gloriously fail, then I'll fabulously learn, regroup and do it better the next time.

At some point I have to accept that I am not, nor will I ever be perfect. TODAY IS THAT DAY. I have made many mistakes but I have also grown and changed.

At some point I have to accept that I am not bad at what I do, I am new at what I do. TODAY IS THAT DAY. By accepting this, I hereby give myself permission to learn, to do the hard stuff, to swing and miss AND on many occasions get a hit, round the bases and bring it home. I don't always have to score, but I do have to step up to the plate.

My mistakes do not define me, they molded me. Mistakes are scars that say at least I tried. There have been many times I was kinetic, moving toward my goals. Tearing into life and enjoying it, for the sake of enjoyment. Not trying to prove myself.

There it is. I've been trying to prove I'm more than potential to someone, God only knows who- because right now, I'm surrounded by people who are encouraging me, who love me despite me.

At some point I have to accept that I am worthy of love. You know what? No matter what TODAY IS THAT DAY!

Today I declare personal freedom from my own prison of perfection, my desire to steer clear of foolishness for the sake of a wreath bestowed by whoever that says I've finally reached some mythical plateau of potential.

I'm not going to chase this high called reached potential any more. I'm doing everything I can to be the best me I can be.

ALL IN!

in the face of truth

The great thing about my current situation, not having a job, is the amount of time I have for prayer and reflection. The not so great thing about my current situation is the amount of time I have for prayer and reflection. At least when it comes to having to face certain truths that have become very evident. I came face to face with the limitation of my belief that God is my Provider and Care-taker.

Now although I have said this numerous times and quoted scriptures that confirm it, I see now there was a major caveat to this statement; "as long as I am working and have a steady income." This has been incredibly humbling, to come face-to-face with my own unbelief. After all, I often encourage people through prayer, one-on-one talks and my writing to find strength and security in God our Provider. Many times I have been in need of something that only He could provide whether financially, emotionally or any area you could think of and every time He has come through with exactly what was needed in the moment.

In the face of this I could choose to be discouraged and disappointed in myself but that is not my choice. I stand here today grateful to be faced with the truth. Now that He has revealed this weakness, I can cast  that care on Him. I can repent of my unbelief and move forward in power, knowing that yet again He will absolutely provide everything necessary. I see this as a great opportunity to gain a deeper revelation of Him as a Loving Father and truly know Him as Jehovah-jireh personally. I have the privilege of changing my perspective about what is going on right now and not just go through this time but grow through it.

I believe that I will come through this as a better person in all the roles I hold in life, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, leader, employee. I will be more disciplined and responsible in all areas of my life and possess a confidence and authority that would not have been otherwise. I see this as a time of revelation, transformation, restoration, renewal, education and preparation for elevation. God's plan moves forward. He keeps His promises.

The Bible is replete with examples of Him bringing one of His chosen servants to a "certain place" and while there they came to know a new dimension of Him. When I look at it that way I become more and more excited and grateful. Growth and change are not the most comfortable transitions in life but I know it's so worth facing any challenge to gain His truth. Let's go!

overwhelmed

I really wanted to journal about how upset with myself I am about life and the incessant series of mistakes that I seem to be perpetually making, but I'm not going to do that. Instead I want to wax on about how awesome God is in my life. You see, I am gathering some of my old thoughts and poems and prophetic words into a compilation and in reviewing them a pattern is evident. I have been walking through and pushing out of darkness. Sure I've been saved for years, but this process of sanctification is continual and every area of my life must be perfected. The fruit of that is only visible as I walk through life's many circumstances. It is my response to them that shows that I am truly growing in the Lord, actually belief - thoroughly living out what I profess about the Lord.

In reviewing the material, I see the Lord's hand all over my life. He has drawn out a great plan and though I have walked outside the lines more than once, He in His mercy keeps drawing a bridge back onto His path for me. He loves me so completely and is so committed to the the plan that He set in place for my life that He will re-work life for me to get back to the right track. Only God. Even the people we keep the closest and love the most have a hard time with this, but God because of the cross and Jesus satisfying the justice of God will forgive and maneuver life for my good, no matter the situation. WOW!

As I said, I thought I was going to write this about how overwhelming the pressures of life feel at this time but now I am overwhelmed by Him, His love, His peace. He has been revealing to me that peace, in matters of the spirit, is a weapon. I can actually cut through an atmosphere and bring peace when I remembered that I am empowered with His peace. He graces me to face even the toughest times with peace. It is also like a shield repelling the fiercest attacks sent to me. Because I have this peace I can face every fear that assails me and stand completely victorious. Despite what my feelings and my tell me choosing to activate this peace I am ready to face every challenge before me with confidence. And it's not like I have to do anything special, I only have to remember that He gave me His peace when I surrendered to Him and choose to walk in that. What incredible power He has given!

John 14:27 AMP
Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.]

This is His prescription for how to face the seemingly overwhelming challenges I am facing in my day-to-day life right now. I believe I can follow in this. I choose His peace over the "comfortable" places of worry, fear and doubt. I look forward to writing about the victory this decision brings to these situations soon. Shalom.

decide to fight

There are times you simply have to fight. Though I consider myself to have a very good life and not have faced many external challenges from a reasonable and logical standpoint, I can despite a “tough” exterior be a trembling emotional mess. If you have not spent much time with me (or not read more than one entry on this page) you may think differently, trust me though it can get pretty bad :)

I say all that to state this- be willing to fight for your dreams and your life. And seriously go ahead and visualize yourself with a black eye, bloody nose, cuts on your knuckles and a hole or two through your precious skin. This is in no way meant to be a negative statement or visualization however in my mind, I am strengthened to know that when I feel like this and like I am on the mat with nothing left to give, the Holy Spirit does not throw in the towel to stop the fight but He arises within me to remind me that this battle, painful as it may be is already fixed in my favor.

I have heard people minister and say that you should not have to fight or face a challenge so strong that you want to give up. Unfortunately I have dealt with a good deal of condemnation attempting to process this idea through my legalistic mind; remember I am an emotional type. Then I hear that Voice whisper resoundingly in my head reminding me of not only who I am but Whose I am. My thought then becomes “what in the world version of the Bible are they reading, the HSV (Human Standards Version?)

Yes it is true that there were times God sent His angels to war on behalf of His Israelite army and not one sword was raised on their side but there are many examples of them going to war and cutting down the opposition in battle. As you study the Word it is obvious to see almost every father and mother of the faith that we hero-ize dealt with some great battle. After all, this is one of the reasons we are so attracted to them. I personally do not know anyone who at their core does not like to experience a story where a person, group, team or organization overcomes great adversity to become victorious.

There it is again, the idea of victory- doesn’t it make your heart pound? You may not like physical fighting but you have probably seen a movie centered on it, and enjoyed it. It was not the blood pouring out of the protagonist’s mouth as they were being pummeled, it was the fact that they overcame to either win or at least realize some sort of dream challenge. If the fighting reference is not your thing, what about movies that deal with a person or people group coming together with others for a great cause of justice for all or human rights, awareness or a stand for morality amid social depravity. It is a different kind of fight but the same story is told and it is the same story for you; the desire to overcome the odds and every obstacle that comes between you and your dream. To stand victorious in the place you were meant to stand or have that thing you were destined to have.
So the next time you feel as though all you can taste is the floor and that your teeth are being worn down by the dirt being kicked in your face remember, it is a part of this life journey to fight but the best news is that you have the Greatest Trainer in history and that you always, always, always come out as the winner!

1 John 5:4-12; Revelation 12:11