the possibilities

Today is the last day of this year. This day and time will never come again and this applies to each day I am graciously given. As such I find it important to live each day intentionally and on purpose. Am I always successful? Not really but instead of living in a condemned place, I choose to remember and activate the Word which declares to me that His mercies are new every morning. (Lamentations 3:21-25) For this I am grateful.

As I prepare not only to go into a new day but a new year I am excited about what it holds. In my spirit I sense the unfolding of great things for many people including myself. Though tempted to be overwhelmed with the questions of "How? Why? and every impatient person's favorite "When?" I find myself experiencing a great peace because even thought I don't know the answers, I know the God who holds them. I have nothing to fear and no reason to doubt. This year I am excited to see great victory in the Kingdom of God.

In 2011 I have wrestled with identity and my value. In the post Fighting the Fear of Failure, I discussed this in detail. I have many times cowered down and not moved forward with simple actions because I have felt so unworthy. I've not met my own minimum standards, how could I hope to achieve or assist in the great things I have seen in my dreams and visions? But I'll tell you, I'm extremely tired of asking that question and seeing the fruitless results! Just because I am not able to fit into a mold that I "think" I should to be able go on to the next level does not mean I have to. What does this mean?

I have come to the conclusion, finally, that all the things that I thought mattered actually do not. One of the currencies of the Kingdom of God is faith. I have faith and it speaks a completely different message than that of my personal standards based on the world's systems. One of the reasons I love the Bible so much is because it recounts the lives of ordinary men and women who through their love for God did extraordinary exploits. They lived adventures of a lifetime because they walked in faith. Everything that their societies told them was they way and standard was often not the way they chose to walk because with God, life is very different.  (Hebrews 11)

I am just as they were, there is no reason that I cannot be an instrument and vessel. I am done with excuses. The ones I have put forth have often been there because I did not want to grow out of my comfort zone. Too bad for me. This year I am leaving the comfort zone behind and making the decision to grow. I have an amazing set of gifts that I am not fully aware of because I have spent so long hiding from them. Once you become aware of something, you are accountable based on what you know. If I don't know what all my gifts are then I don't have to be accountable to them, right? This is a terrible line of thinking that places great limits on myself and on God's power to work through me. In doing so I could be holding back someone else's blessing. How terribly selfish of me. No more!

The possibilities before me this year are great in every area of life. In my relationship with the Lord, I expect to come to know Him more intimately than I have in the previous 18 years of our relationship. I know that I will see manifest through me not just the Matthew 28:18-20 Great Commission that I have spiritually "grown up" with but that the Mark 16:15-20 promise of signs and miracles as well. At work there have been some changes and I have the opportunity to do great work and implement new ideas. I believe that by choosing to see this as a divine set up and making the decision to grow that I will see a side of me that I have never known in my professional life. This will bring blessing to others who will be affected by the decisions I make. In relationships I will continue to cultivate great friendships and also seek out a mentor. I firmly believe this is a key to a victorious and successful life. I am accepting the call to leadership. I am choosing obedience here. This is one of those situations where the "How?" question screams at me but again, I choose to place trust in the One who called me not in myself.

There are many more things that are before me but I have written this not only for myself but for those of you who may read this. This is not just for the new year, this is for everyday. In the Lord we are blessed to have the opportunity to start anew everyday. So no matter when this is read I hope it inspires you to think of the possibilities that are before you. How could your obedience bless someone else? How could your trip out of the "comfort zone" inspire someone else or give strength to them. No matter who you are or what you think of yourself, there is someone near you that you can influence. I pray that 2012 is a year of great decisions that lead to extraordinary actions that have the possibility of affecting future generations for the better. I bless you in the name of the Father of heaven and Earth!

growing up

I appreciate patience, favor and grace. This has been extended to me greatly in my life. I also appreciate truth and correction. It may not be my absolute favorite thing at the time but I know the good fruit it produces when paired with a willing spirit. Hebrews 12:11 has been a key scripture for me in my development as I have learned that just as in growing up in chronological time, in the Spirit discipline is a factor to maturity. Over time and trial we learn what is acceptable, pleasing and good. We  are taught early on that we cannot do everything we want to do just because we feel like it nor can we have everything just because we want it and feel we have a right to it.


In any case, I am considering these things today as I celebrate 18 years of relationship with the Lord. On a cold December 19 I made the good confession that Jesus is Lord and I was baptized into a new life. That was the best Christmas present I have ever received. Nothing could compare. I remember being so happy, so excited about what was to come. I am so excited and moved to write this out because of a situation that happened today. 


I was talking briefly with a friend and I brought up something that encouraged me. It is a simple phrase that made me think a little differently about life, "Is there any reason that we should fail?" This simple phrase helped me to frame something in my mind. When I heard it, the response in my spirit was an oft-quoted passage that I really enjoy in the Amplified:


13  I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency].
Philippians 4:13


I'm finally beginning to understand this. I shared this with my friend and began to tell her of some of my landmark failures that I know I allow to keep me bound and not move forward. I was recalling a couple of them when she stopped me and said, "Seriously that was so long ago. Let me help you with something. People tend to find themselves in a "stuck" place when they have a lack of forgiveness in their lives. Either toward themselves or someone else." I confessed that I know it is a lack of forgiveness toward myself. She then replied, "Unforgiveness toward self is just another form of pride. Do you really want to look at Jesus and tell Him that His life, death and resurrection were not enough for you to be forgiven because that is exactly what you are saying by holding on to this?"


As you can tell, my friend is very direct. That is one of the very reasons I so love her. She called me out on the evident sin in my life. Pride is truly like a necklace (Pssalm 73:6). I could not (would not) see it for what it obviously is, it was too close. What gives me the right to despise who the Lord loves? I get angry with people and frustrated and want to react in a certain way, but I know that it is unacceptable. Yet when it comes to tearing down myself, I allow it. This terrible way of thinking makes no sense yet I agree with the voice of the enemy to the point that I manufacture the most ungodly thoughts about myself. Then, unable to think straight (with the mind of Christ) I find ways to sabotage myself and keep this perpetual downward spiral going. And all for the sake of pride, a sin that is guaranteed to bring me low and not in the sense I want to be.


So why am I so excited about this? Now my eyes are open to see what I was blind to before. I see this for what it is. I can repent, I can move on, I can grow. I will not be able to face the next battle or go to the next place on the journey until I deal with the sin that needs to be removed from my camp. I see that I have camped at Mt. Failure in the valley of Self-Sabotage far too long simply because I felt justified in holding on to unforgiveness. I felt this is something I can do and that I had a right to express this since it's toward myself. I have been praying to be free from a cell that I was holding the keys to all this time. "Aisha God will not free you from something you are friends with." When my friend said this, my response was not one of anger, shame or rebuttal. I was instantly grateful because she was speaking the truth and I knew that I needed to repent.


A few years ago, that definitely would not have been my response. I am not sure if that would have been it a few months ago either. But today I sit here, free from the deceptive blindness of pride (at least concerning this situation) and removed from the shackles of unforgiveness. "Forgiveness is not a destination, it is a continual journey. When you feel as though you want to go back to unforgiveness decide to travel further on the road of forgiveness. This is where you will continue to find the Lord." This is where I will find His strength that will infuse and empower me. I can live a successful, obedient life. 18 years ago I was completely forgiven for everything and born into newness. Just as I have been fully forgiven I can extend that forgiveness to others and as I see now to myself. Thank God!

the power and promise of one word: yes

The beauty of surrender, the trust, the decision to go in confidence and joy without knowing the end from the beginning but trusting in the One who does. Having placed all faith in the consequences of His love for me and promises to me. I may appear foolish because of this decision, but this life cannot be about living to please others. Everything I choose has to be about Him. As such, I will continually say "yes."

"Yes" has hurt, "yes" has been something I did not understand, "yes" has made me uncomfortable, "yes" has pushed me beyond my known limit into an area where if He did not show up, nothing was going to happen. Yet He knows all and none of what He is asking of me is a surprise for Him; it's a setup for Him to reveal Himself in this life in a new way. As I move forward with a "yes" in my heart, I have the guarantee of His word alive in me, the fullness of His love and the indwelling of His Spirit. And really what else do I need? It is with Him I choose to agree, to Him I say "YES." His promises await!

And what happens with "yes?" I don't know the exact outcome, but I know what happens with "I'm too afraid to try" or "I don't know if I'm the right person for this;" NOTHING. And who needs more of nothing in their life when we were created for great exploits!

By nature I am a very passionate person and that has now been joined with a desire to serve others in whatever capacity that is needed. "Yes" is the hope of walking in that, depending on Him to take care of everything beyond my reach. "Yes" carries an air of excitement and fun. "Yes" to Him makes me think of laughter after tears, dancing after mourning, running after being lame, strength after weakness, peace after chaos, acceptance and love after rejection and possible in the face of impossible. "Yes" has the tension of hope and eager expectation in seeing how He will fulfill His promises. After all the Scripture states:

20 For as many as are the promises of God, they all find their Yes [answer] in Him [Christ]. For this reason we also utter the Amen (so be it) to God through Him [in His Person and by His agency] to the glory of God. 21 But it is God Who confirms and makes us steadfast and establishes us [in joint fellowship] with you in Christ, and has consecrated and anointed us [enduing us with the gifts of the Holy Spirit]; 22 [He has also appropriated and acknowledged us as His by] putting His seal upon us and giving us His [Holy] Spirit in our hearts as the security deposit and guarantee [of the fulfillment of His promise].  1 Corinthians 1:20-22 AMP


When "yes" is the response of a willing heart to God, the promises and power released to that life are limitless. To God be all the glory, Amen!

the invitation

The times and seasons are a-changing. The atmosphere is charged with an electricity that is coming from battles in the heavenlies and it is spilling over into our lives here. We may not be able to physically lay eyes on the clashes happening but you most likely can feel them. This is a time to be prayerful and seeking the Lord's direction like no other. Yes the calendar will flip over to a new year shortly and I believe that is driving some of this but on a more personal note, your destiny is being fought over and it is up to you to decide to receive and carry out the plans of the Heavenly Father for your life.

We are all here on assignment. Some of us are intimately acquainted with that assignment and are already walking it out. Some of us are walking, faithfully serving in the area we currently have stewardship over. Both places are good. But now as we enter into this key moment of transition it's time to make a decision. What's next? If you're like me you may have a general idea but you may not be sure of the next step, but you are willing to take it. In this place it is so easy for spirits like confusion, doubt and fear to rise up. Just because they decide to show up does not mean that we have to invite them in and entertain them.

It is a basic principle. In order for someone to join you in your home you have to agree to let them in. You can invite someone in because you want to spend time with them. Someone decides they want to spend time with you and they ask to come in and you can agree to let them join you. In either situation you have a choice to agree with the one trying to enter your home. If your best friend wants to come spend time with you, there is a good chance they are readily invited in. However, that one friend or relative who always loves to cause a scene in your home may not be someone you invite back in. Even if they show up unexpectedly, though they are familiar, it may not be the best thing for you to agree to invite them in to relive the same nightmare.

As I sit here contemplating everything I have before me and what I want to see in the coming year I will openly tell you the spirit of fear has been trying to paralyze me today. I have stood at the door all day debating whether or not to let him into my house (my heart) yet again. I have cried and felt uncomfortable most of the day. As I lay before the Lord in prayer a little while ago I asked myself a key question; Why?
Why am I sitting here feeling worthless and like a failure? Because I let a lying spirit come in while I was standing at the door debating whether or not to let fear in. DUH! Sounds dumb right? But while I was distracted talking to one familiar spirit a myriad of others were able to ease on in, bringing with them confusion and the paralysis of fear already had me!

So what should I be doing instead? Well first off, I did pray. I believe going into a quiet moment alone with the Lord is so key. Even though at the time I felt distant and like nothing was happening, I knew that was the safest place to be, in His Presence. That is where revelation and illumination take place. Secondly, my words are ineffective in dealing with spirits unless they are powered by His Word. Because I can talk all day long but when I talk like Him, it is then and only then that things change. Today I specifically went to Psalm 91 for He is my Refuge and Sheild, my safe place and protection. When I am feeling beat up by lies, deception and bullied by fear, the only way to face them is from a safe place of truth. I not only read it, I declared it boldly - out loud in a serious voice. I needed to hear myself say it and so did the enemy coming against me, because this very Word of God is my Mighty and Uncommon Weapon! Next, I literally let those intruders know where they needed to go and it was not here. I commanded them to leave by the Power of the Name of Jesus and renounced any association with them. I then declared who I am. I am the beloved daughter of the Most High King. I am in relationship with God Almighty fully received and loved by Him. Finally, to really fight, I'm telling you about it :)

Now I have gone into my Safe Place, surrendered myself and confessed my current situation. In that place, as always His faithfulness met me. He revealed to me that I had invited in unwelcome guests and that I needed to command them to leave. Now I am ready to move forward beyond distraction to tackle the project from work that is making me weak-kneed and not in the good sense. And then personally to work on my goals, action plan and vision board for 2012 because there is a real Guest I want to invite in, The Holy Spirit. He has with Him an invitation to my date with destiny that will allow me to expand the King's dominion in my area of rule. This is so exciting!

I pray in this season that you will have intimate time with Him like never before and that He would speak to you through dreams and visions and that you would receive your invitation to the next phase of your destiny. May the rest of this year see your life blessed with victory!

the threat

I have a confession to make: I want to be a great wife and incredible mother. This may seem simple and you may think don't all women want that? In reality, the answer is no. Some women want a career or to spend their lives pursuing a passion other than family. For a while, especially early in my life, that was what I wanted. I desired to graduate college with at least 2 or 3 degrees and then work. I wanted to climb the corporate ladder and be the very definition of success. There was not going to be any excuses for me. None of this sob story of a black woman raised in a single parent home tale of woe for me. I wanted to do well and be able to take care of my family and care for those who had cared for me.

In that upbringing I did not have some ideal relationship of marriage to want to get into so it was not a BIG thing for me. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE the idea of relationship. Romance has always been a weakness. And if you've spent any time with me, you know how affectionate I am. So it's not that relationships were not on my radar, they just were not the main focus. Having dedicated my life to the Lord at 16, some ideas had to change and that was in all honesty the first time I considered marriage and also the first time I began to consider children. "Began to consider" because in all honesty the thought of reproducing anything similar to "this fabulousness that is me" SCARES the daylight out of me.

But here I stand 34 years old, single, no suitors on the horizon having never been married and absolutely committed to the call God has on my life. It's not the patience of waiting for a husband that has brought about this feeling of having my confessed dream threatened. After all, My God is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob which means He is also the God of Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel and Leah. All of whom, except Leah who had her own issues, were either challenged with conception or had a difficult pregnancy recorded. Sarah was not only old, the Bible specifically says that "the way of women had left Sarah" Genesis 18:11. At 90 years old she was way past the "sell by", child bearing date. Yet she bore the promised son Isaac whose name means laughter, a reaction of joy. He was a promise not only to Abraham but to Sarah herself from the Lord. And she raised him and saw him grow into a man. She believed for, conceived carried, birthed and grew her dream. So no that's not where the test is coming in, although I must say I know this is the same story that gives me faith to face the threat.

For the past few months, during that "time of the month" (sorry guys, it's a girl thing) I have been so incapacitated by the pain I have experienced that I have missed at least one if not two days each month since September. This month was no exception. However this month was the first time that I realized what this could be. In my history it has not been uncommon to have painful cycles, on the contrary when my sister and I were first having them, we had prescription pain killers. I was probably 28 or 29 before I had a "regular cycle." My sister who is five years my senior has endometriosis. It was so bad that she was not able to get pregnant for many years of her marriage. Now she and her husband have three precious angels but that was after surgery and treatments that I don't want to think about. But, of course, I'm thinking about it. My sister married at 25 and they had their first baby when she was 33. Again, I'm 34 and I would rather not have a baby right away when I do marry. So as I sit here, still considering the uncomfortable pressure I feel right now in my midsection I understand that my dream, that I don't even like to think about is threatened.

I'm still young, especially when you consider Sarah, but that really does not have anything to do with it. This threat that is wanting to creep in so badly is none other than fear. As a book I recently read states, "You have to believe in order to conceive. The two are not separate, they go together." This is yet another distraction sent by the enemy in the familiar wrapping of the fear of failure. If this is as bad as what my sister had, what will I do? After all she was at least married already when she found out. She also was in a better place financially than I am currently. What am I going to do? These are the thoughts competing for my attention.

I'm a woman and not only that, at it's root one of the meanings of my name is companion and as mentioned in a previous post "isha" is the Hebrew word for not only woman but all things feminine. At my core, I was designed for this, yet with the possible threat to my reproductive system this thought that I will not be able to walk out my dream or meet the fulfillment of my name is lurking in the shadows. I am going to the doctor this week and ask for your prayers of agreement for a good report.

The thing that really bothers me, is that this is obviously so much more than a physical attack. I am in a season of revelation. God is revealing to me more of Who He is as well as showing me who I am in Him; the woman He created me to be. I have fought the idea of leadership and consistently found ways to busy myself with "good" stuff that may not always be the "God" thing that I should be doing. But this year I took my stand on Him and said I would trust Him and step out into a leadership role. In August I attended a leadership training class and began to meet with mentors to develop a plan for the group, within my church, that I would like to begin. The next month, this challenge began. Now that could be a complete coincidence but...

In any case, yesterday in looking at all this I decided that if the enemy wanted to fight dirty, then I would fight fire with faith! For the first time last night, I made myself write out my vision for the Lifeteam that I will lead. I wrote down and read aloud the foundational scriptures and why they are important. I decided that no matter what it looks like, no matter what I don't know, no matter what I can't see, no matter what I am unable to change, the enemy will no longer have the authority to use fear to keep me from reproducing whether in the Spirit or at just the right time, physically. I also sat here for a moment tonight and thought should I write this and as you clearly see, I opted for sharing my testimony. I expect that God will reveal Himself as healer in this situation no matter what it is exactly. There are a myriad of things that this physical challenge could be and there is opportunity for fear to rise up and try to take me down. But I have a promise from God myself, one that He made to me. I have not seen that promise fulfilled yet so no matter the challenge I am facing I know that my name is still victory and in due season we will all see His vision birthed through me!

back

My heart longs to cry out in memory of you

To be warmed by your fire

The remembrance of the light you brought to life in me

yet you are so far and distant, removed, in a haze

But in that distant place you too long to be reconnected to me

for only with me can you be fulfilled

No other has what is inside me

If another were to attempt to take my place the product would be a forgery,

a cheap imitation, a false representation of what should be

Because I am for you solely as much as you are for me only

I will now seek to find you that I may fulfill the purpose for which I was sent

Will you come back to me though I sent you away?

Can we be reconciled for the greater mission?

Oh how I have missed you my dearest friend

won’t you come back to me my dream again?

written: 12/17/2010

change challenge

Sometimes things have to change. You may want to continue on the same course but you know to get a new perspective you have to climb up to a higher place. From a higher place you can see more of what's before you.
Some change around you may come outside of what you can control and some change may be by your initiation but when you know it has come upon you, make the change. Dawdling is not attractive, people do not make it their life ambition to be friends with someone who cannot commit, someone who will not take a risk and try something different.
Somehow you have to find the courage, the strength of character to move forward. Decide to believe what you speak if you are a "faith-talker" and step out in faith. Walk out the course laid before and trust that the new challenge or change before you is the way that was prepared for you long ago.
Today, I'm tired of talking and I want to see and live in the season of change that has been prepared for me. It's not going to change until I decide to do something about it. I will make the changes and accept the new challenges before me. This time is so special and I do not want to miss it because of a fear.
I am taking back my dream.

more

I want more, this simple, superficial surface-style, pop-up, drive-thru relationship simply won't do
I need more than a gospel of health and wealth, blab it and grab it, instant gratification and keep talking to soothe my itching ears "ministry"

No

I want to know why the apostles and so many other beloved, unnamed yet known and deeply loved early brothers and sisters were joyful in the face of confiscated  property and were willing to be made into a human fiery torch or be sawed in two or in some way lay down their life, which by the way they obviously no longer considered their own, and do so with dignity, grateful for the opportunity to share in the sufferings of Christ and to be counted worthy to suffer in a manner similar to His. How could they do all this and I get nervous to even say Jesus at times because I fear what people may say. They knew Him and loved Him and lived only to please Him. Everything else was secondary.

Where is my heart like this? More, there is so much more that I still want to know about His love, His peace, His grace, His justice, His power, His healing, His divine government, his order. I want to know Him in the sense that any wife wants to know her husband as a lover, not withholding anything, giving Him all of me in a hope of a greater revelation of Him. I know everyone may not understand this burning desire but that is okay. I want more of Him and to be satisfied with that.

Constantly looking for the next quick fix in the bottom of a box like baking mix is not the way I want to live this life. Substance, weight - I want what I do to count for something, not just be the next big thing for 15 minutes of fame. In all honesty I'd rather you don't know my name but that you would know by the power of  a changed life that my Father showed up on the scene any time I was there. Can I point you to the one who showed me how to live life not ruled by my desires, my needs and what I thought was so important? Can I show you the beauty of having a Father in the life of a girl who grew up without a dad? Can I introduce you my obsession?

More

I want more of Him to shine through me. I want to love Him more. I want to look more like Him. More, never satisfied because someone thinks I've arrived. Less of me and my preoccupation with what you think about me but fully brimming over with what concerns Him. More emptying of self so that He can be my fulfillment, the joy of my desire.

My God the desperate plea sung by my heart is for more of You.

fighting the fear of failure, part 1 - seeing the problem

I want to bury my head in the sand and not have to come up and face some of life's challenges. There is in me quite the fighter's spirit and I do not like to take everything just lying down, however in my work life I have had to deal with a lot of failure and starting over because of my lack of belief in myself and my abilities. Although I slaved away 4 years in the university I did not achieve what I had so longed for, a degree. Somehow I believed that very expensive piece of paper would validate me as a smart person, make me acceptable to a certain peer group and give my life value and meaning and in some sense there is truth to that, although not absolute. The problem really comes when you consider the converse side of that belief if I don't have that piece of paper I am not smart, I am not accepted and I have no value. Mind you let me be clear, I do not harbor such ill thinking toward others, no I save all that for myself.

As a result of this, I have not believed much for myself in the way of a career, I mean after all what am I? I can't looked at that lovely piece of paper framed on a wall and it tell me who I am. I worked so hard in college yet my dream of becoming an architect did not come true. I also had aspirations of ministry when I was younger, but by the time I came out of college I was doing good to still believe that I was saved AND I did not have formal training for ministry and remember according to my thinking I don't have a piece of paper that speaks on my behalf to tell others how amazing I am in some area. How am I to establish a firm foundation for a career when the currency of what those that are hiring deal in is something I lack?

So far I'm sure you can see a lot of the problem here, I've got a real problem with me and I had a bone to pick with God about my dream not coming true. After all I felt as though I had given so much up for the Kingdom. The school I went to was not my first choice but because of of the ministry I was involved in I was "encouraged" to attend the school I did. It turned out to be an excellent choice but I did not leave the way I wanted to. By the time I came out of school, I was barely hanging on to a relationship with God and was ready to give up on everything. I was fired for the first time and that also did not help my view of self, not only was I leaving school, I was leaving having been fired from a job. What good was I? How was I to do anything when now I had no idea who I was or what I did? Even writing this, it is hard to review that time in my life. It was so dark and I was incredibly scared and at that time I distinctly remember beginning to daily eat, sleep and breath the lie that to this day, if I am not careful I get entangled with: I am a failure!

I have thought and said this so many times that it became the truth to me. I did not perform up to the standard that I thought I should and instead of dealing with it, learning from it and moving on, I got stuck. I could no longer believe in myself and I became a serious doubter of God. After all why would all of this be happening if I were in "good standing" as it were with God, surely I must have done something wrong. I was caught in a serious performance trap. I thought that everything that I did, changed God's mind about me to one side or another. Some of that was improper teaching on who God is but MOST of it was and is simply deception, one of the biggest weapons employed by the enemy.

... to be continued

storyteller (repost)

This was originally posted May 12, 2006 on my Snake Ai Musings blog that I specifically started for all things creative. I have been revisiting the question, "What is it that I really like to do and what are the things that I do that bring me the most joy?" I happened to read this in my pondering. I think I may be trying to tell myself something ;)

I always wanted to be a storyteller. I have always had ideas and images running through my mind but the challenge, the art the craft comes in being able to turn all of these ingredients into a delicious masterpiece ready to be ingested and enjoyed by all. We all talk, communicate and use words in everyday interactions but it takes someone special to bring those words to life in a way that can make you laugh, puzzle your mind, bring you to tears. The best stories and books to me are the ones that have you on a rollercoaster of emotion or put you right in the middle of the action. I wanted to be that special person that led people on these journeys. The tour guide that took you away from the routine of your everyday and let you wander into my imagination.

I don't know what I am going to do right now with all these desires. I have been writing a lot lately though, there are 10 works in progress. I am not sure if they will be poems or songs or develop into short stories. I have also returned to my love of books. Oddly enough the thing that has returned me to books was an anime. Of course, that was based on a graphic novel (manga). I may have mentioned it once or twice before - Read or Die. Yes, I know I am hopeless! :p

So many interests and so little time.

a day in the life

Today is interesting. I am beyond tired and have an opportunity to be in bed but I am a bit keyed up. I have spent most of my summer preparing for this week at work, the biggest meeting we host all year, Holiday kick-off. So many people, so many moving parts and pieces, so much activity, so little crew to put this together, feeling behind the eight ball on just about every cue, but it's here and we've started the party. The team seems super excited and ready for this week and the selling season ahead, it is an exciting time. It's great to see the people I serve year-round but only see once a year and it's great to award them and really great to send them home :)

One of the best parts of this most interesting day has been the transition from how it started to how it has ended. This morning before 11, I had broken down twice crying, unfortunately sometimes it's how I deal with stress and this week can be very high stress. Keeping up with the whereabouts of 150+ people and people arriving on different days and dinners and guests lists and gifts and awards and computers and team members who all have a different role can be a little overwhelming and before lunch I was ready to run away. But all along the way, God was giving me things to smile about. First thing to counter the not so fun of the day was my coworker showing me a picture of her new nephew born just this morning, huge smile. Babies have that effect on me, I can't help it, I am excited about new life. Then about mid-day as i was putting myself back together I received a simple "I'm thinking about you and praying for you" text. Wow, right when I needed it most. After that point in the day, no matter what happened or how much I wanted to complain, I remembered and was glad.

At the function we had tonight, one of my business partners from out of town literally pulled me aside to remind me that I need to take care of myself and to say she was thinking about me. Now I felt really special and now I am really amped again to make sure everything is as perfect as it can be, not just so the bosses are happy but so that the team feels appreciated and knows we care about them and believe them to be special. I am happy about what I do, even though there are days I feel as though I am so lost in this maze of a corporate game at times. I am having that moment where I realize I do not understand it all, and what I do does not seem to make sense but I am okay with it. I am alive, and happy to be so.

This place has been a serious test for me, out of place since I arrived, but picked up and taught some things that have prepared me to help others in ways I never would have expected. Touching lives in ways I did not even know possible.  I am excited about the next 3 days and how I am going to serve this great team that I am a part of but also excited about what is growing inside me, the change, the season that is coming. Man this is going to be powerful. No matter what the past 4 years have looked like, it looks like something different right now because of what's growing in my spirit.

I am determined to see this victory for which I was named. The coming expansion of influence and coming peace have warmed my heart and eased my fear, ah I know my Beloved Lord is with me here and I receive His love. Yes, this is a snippet of a day in the life.

well i declare

I am a leader, whether or not the world and their hierarchal systems ever deems me manager worthy, does not in any way shape of form remove God-given leadership from me. I am more than a conqueror and an overcomer. Every battle I am facing right now is with purpose and God has this all covered.

Fear does not get to cohabitate here anymore; spirit you are not dealing with the same weakling that I thought I was earlier this summer, the beloved warrior, precious jewel in His crown has awoken in me. Those old tricks will no longer work here, I am kicking you out and will declare the truth, not the lies you want me to believe.

Over the course of the next several months the transformation within me will continue and some may not even recognize me; however, those who have seen my prophetic destiny and who have been encouraging me along that path will see the fruit of their prayers. In the lives of each one of us God is radically reforming and reframing us for what is to come. There are some kingdom assignments we have been given, influence in places we thought we lost it but God redeemed it and wants us to go forward according to His plan ans strategy! I can hardly contain my smile. It's time to do this now!

decide to fight

There are times you simply have to fight. Though I consider myself to have a very good life and not have faced many external challenges from a reasonable and logical standpoint, I can despite a “tough” exterior be a trembling emotional mess. If you have not spent much time with me (or not read more than one entry on this page) you may think differently, trust me though it can get pretty bad :)

I say all that to state this- be willing to fight for your dreams and your life. And seriously go ahead and visualize yourself with a black eye, bloody nose, cuts on your knuckles and a hole or two through your precious skin. This is in no way meant to be a negative statement or visualization however in my mind, I am strengthened to know that when I feel like this and like I am on the mat with nothing left to give, the Holy Spirit does not throw in the towel to stop the fight but He arises within me to remind me that this battle, painful as it may be is already fixed in my favor.

I have heard people minister and say that you should not have to fight or face a challenge so strong that you want to give up. Unfortunately I have dealt with a good deal of condemnation attempting to process this idea through my legalistic mind; remember I am an emotional type. Then I hear that Voice whisper resoundingly in my head reminding me of not only who I am but Whose I am. My thought then becomes “what in the world version of the Bible are they reading, the HSV (Human Standards Version?)

Yes it is true that there were times God sent His angels to war on behalf of His Israelite army and not one sword was raised on their side but there are many examples of them going to war and cutting down the opposition in battle. As you study the Word it is obvious to see almost every father and mother of the faith that we hero-ize dealt with some great battle. After all, this is one of the reasons we are so attracted to them. I personally do not know anyone who at their core does not like to experience a story where a person, group, team or organization overcomes great adversity to become victorious.

There it is again, the idea of victory- doesn’t it make your heart pound? You may not like physical fighting but you have probably seen a movie centered on it, and enjoyed it. It was not the blood pouring out of the protagonist’s mouth as they were being pummeled, it was the fact that they overcame to either win or at least realize some sort of dream challenge. If the fighting reference is not your thing, what about movies that deal with a person or people group coming together with others for a great cause of justice for all or human rights, awareness or a stand for morality amid social depravity. It is a different kind of fight but the same story is told and it is the same story for you; the desire to overcome the odds and every obstacle that comes between you and your dream. To stand victorious in the place you were meant to stand or have that thing you were destined to have.
So the next time you feel as though all you can taste is the floor and that your teeth are being worn down by the dirt being kicked in your face remember, it is a part of this life journey to fight but the best news is that you have the Greatest Trainer in history and that you always, always, always come out as the winner!

1 John 5:4-12; Revelation 12:11

dream out loud!

In the most honorable way possible, it is time to dream out loud! Wake up! Yes you were called to dream and to walk the journey of it and live it out. Yes you fresh from your last defeat, come back in from the distraction and forgive those who took you off course with deceit.

It's your dream, the seed that He has divinely sown into your spirit. Every dart, arrow and spear of the enemy has come against to challenge what you know. These tests have revealed what's really inside you, the Kingly character and the flesh moments too. Not my favorite to see but there is a need to purify, protect and prepare.

Decide to stand firm on the strength and certitude of the Word, remind yourself of His faithfulness and write down the dream, speak the dream, prophesy over it to bring life to it, then get on with the business of dreaming out loud! Go!

shift gears: revive

The time is now; a shift just occurred; we absolutely can take back this world.
He has prepared us for now, worship and praise, lift up an atmosphere that resurrects dreams from graves. Take hold of the word He has planted in you, wrestle with it until you know it’s true.
Then run with this vision, gain strategy and plan, get in position to receive His victory and stand. Unable to be moved, bathed in radiant light, and your eyes set on Him, you just won this fight!
Now take this anointing wherever you go, be mindful not to hinder the flow.
What you have at hand is the 1st sphere that will change and catch like a fire with effects at long range. Keep your passion alive and in Jesus be true you will witness the birthing of life brand new.
Do not settle for what was, refuse to face defeat, take it all back in Jesus, our Commander and King!

breathe life

From where, O man did you receive your breath? From My divine “lungs” I am your life and I breathed My love, grace and authority into you. All are attributes of life. My Son, My Beloved, Holy One restored this to you fully; if only you would choose to accept His mind, His peace. You are all mine and I accepted you. When you declared that you would have Me as Lord, all that was lost was regained because you made a connection with My loving restoration power. I have indeed given you everything you need for life and godliness because you are reconciled to Me and once again look like Me. You are My image.
If My breath from Me to you brought life, you who are made in My image, what will My breath in you bring to someone else? Life is to be shared, abundant life multiplied. Find life in Me, I Am life. I still breathe on you; life is in you, within you, breaking out. Do not be afraid of My breath within you or of the breath of others, which is a whirlwind. Take in My breath and speak to their whirlwind and call it into order. Do not run from the strong winds that come against you, breathe Me in and I will teach you how, what, when and if you are to speak. Breathe Me in, reach for Me and I will teach you.

today is great

Good morning world! It is a new day today and although I awoke with a swirl of emotions I would rather believe do not exist within me anymore, I know that today is destined to be great. Emotions though a gift are not meant to be spent as the currency of daily living. I am responsible for what I pay out to others around me. Today I choose to pour out love, kindness, generosity and peace because the Lord poured these into me. These come from Him pure and sweet, I will not let uncertainty, doubt or fear attempting to rise up flavor the fruit so that it is bitter when I share it with someone else. I also refuse to the this swirl become a whirlwind that pulls somone else in and harms or tires them.

No today is a day for great things to occur. I will walk through the door to mind change, fully repent and see the love of God that is within me encourage someone else. I will also be encouraged by others around me. This trick used to work on me, not today. Condemnation was also a covering I once wore, but today I choose to put on faith. Faith is another gift but it is a gift that brings life and I was called to carry and share life with others. I like that choice. Today is already a great day!

open season, open heavens and the promotion of life

I.
God is bringing forth that which we thought was dead and buried and giving it new life. Open season, open heavens and the promotion of life. Rise up and live- do what you were purposed to do. Come forth from the dry, dark, dead places and return to life, productivity and action. He is calling us forth as a great army to move forward His agenda. This is the shift, the time, no more waiting, go forward in Him.
He gave you something specific to do. If you do not remember or know, ask. Get on your face, intercede, cry out! This is bigger than you; ask Him for wisdom, power, discernment, revelation- then move. No more excuses, don’t hold back. Remain in His presence so that you can hear clearly from Him, then move in faith knowing He sent you.
Take back your home, your community, the schools for His Name. What vision has He given you that you buried? It’s stirring, rising, speak life to it, prophesy it back into existence, then do something about it! Call forth life from the heavens, it is time to eat life and no longer choke on death. Heed His words of instruction, remain actively obedient. If your first step is to wait, then wait; if it is to purge, then purge; forgive, then forgive; speak, then speak; go, then go.
It takes your words of faith in the God Who brought everything into being in this same manner. He is not asking you to do anything that He has not already done, have faith in and speak His word- the promotion of life. The rain of open heavens is your provision, go now, go now, go now. Faithful, obedient and pure in Him; it’s already done!
II.
Understand the times are as they never have been although there is still nothing new under the sun. I have not changed and never will. Your hunger, your desire for Me and passion to see My Hand are pulling greatly on heaven. Walk closely with Me. Do not give up your passion, your zeal; be consumed with your love for Me. Remember your love for Me is shown in your obedience, submission and faith. Your absolute belief that you will see My Hand in ways you have longed for and heard of is touching My Heart. I have heard your cry for a sustained move, for My Presence to dwell richly, continually, everyday. You know that I have an inheritance for you and yes, it is yours. Step out, the mantle is yours- believe and do not doubt!

power in agreement

God is looking for someone to agree with Him; with His plans, His strategies to complete His work. When He finds someone willing to step up to the level of faith He requires for the work, watch out because heaven is about to kiss the earth and a new mantle is about to be bestowed. It is a new coat of many colors that you will have to be tailored to fit into. Yes you, your flesh, pride and personal agenda will be cut away along with all submission to fear or ideas of stopping because of rejection or because others do not see what God has allowed your eyes to view.
Once you have agreed and the covenant is sealed, you are now walking in the role God has given you. This is where you have your measure of rule to take back for the Kingdom what He has caused you to see. Seek Him to find out how to get where He wants you to go. He makes you aware so that you can pray and bring it to pass.

finally decided

So after Much deliberation I have decided to keep this as my blogger page. I thought a while about changing over to another blog as there are some things on here that are interesting to say the least and colorful if I want to be kind. But my decision to keep it here stems from the fact that I cannot simply remove what happened by simply starting a new blog. Life happens and in a good one the person grows and changes. When I began this journey it was always withthe hope of growing and returning to God. This has happened and I could not be anymore grateful. I am a ver differrent woman than I was even two years ago when it was silent here. So here lies the former page of one who was for a time a "Lost Butterfly Angel" who for a short period thought the dry sarcasm of "Kinetic Potential" fit their life. Now I know with no doubt that My Name is Victory and so here is where I will remain.

who me...shy?

Found myself in an interesting situation today. We had a prayer meeting of the women in my church tonight. It was an excellent time of thanksgiving and praise to our Mighty and Caring God. We had a time to share testimonies or what we learned during this week. I had something to share, it was burning in me and it seemed appropriate for what we were doing, BUT I somehow talked myself out of sharing a simple encouragement simply because it was not the usual setting that I would share in :-( what's with that? When did I turn shy? Ugh! Well I know better than to beat myself up over it but I must say I do not like it when I hold on to a word that I know I am to share. Well this is the last time, no more I will speak clearly and boldly and in the proper timing. God give me the strength and courage to carry and deliver Your word when You give it to me!

the things which we speak

Death and life anxiety and expectation complaints or gratitude fear or faith rejection or acceptance. The expectation I have for what this time holds is almost intoxicating. Life in faith, thanksgiving in everything... life is indeed breaking out. Ah the season has changed. Fear wins no more battles here-VICTORY is the banner over me. A word received in obedience can change the world... it all changes now. I will, I already have succeeded. Write the vision, make it plain...

the deal is still on

Well it has been quite a while since I was here and it is great to be back. Not much to say tonight but I am eager to see what all will flow from my mind to my fingertips. It's the write time...

breakout and breakthrough

Change, transition, vision, radical reformation and differences are upon you. February will see more for the kingdom. An awakening of the warrior within, the soldier who will go forth in battle and claim territory for the advancement of the Kingdom mindset and values. Soldiers no longer go forward with their own agenda as the objective but with the orders given by their Commanding Officer sent from the General under the Commander in Chief. His strategy, His plan to complete the conquest for which sent.
For some the battle has been for the possession of your own soul- living completely surrendered and submitted to God, walking with Him with the fruit of consistency in every place. This is the breakthrough coming for some. Peace and freedom, new knowledge and revelation of true godly identity and the power to walk it out.
For some this battle has long since been won, but there is an assignment that your C.O. gave you to carry out and you will see a breakout victory. Your territory (influence) is about to expand for the Kingdom. Maybe you have been ministering to someone and met with lots of resistance. Now in this season, not only will they see the truth of the light of Jesus, their families and others near them as well.
Still others, their anointing will be made manifest in such a way that there will be freedom to move forward and operate with their God-given authority. Just remain covered. The C.O., the Holy Spirit is stirring desires within us all. For some it is time to dream again because the summer will soon come and after that the harvest. Don’t miss your time to sow the dream seed and reap the harvest God has for you. His plan, His strategy. Move forward, go out in His name. He sent you to do that which you know He’s called you to… Live in it!

happy new season

A time is coming and now is when it is time for God’s sheep to rise up as warriors. Get aligned in formation for the battles are ours. Go and take your sphere of influence! The preparation continues daily, but now is the time- Go forward in Him. Don’t be afraid- the Lord Himself goes before you in battle. He is also your rear guard. Persevere and press in and those battles that have seemed interminable will be over suddenly- a decisive victory, Glory to God!
Once the territory is yours, set up God alone as King. It was not by your power or might but by His Spirit, He wrought the victory. Unsaved loved ones who have been prayed for, for years upon years will come in and be sent out to destroy the dominion and prison of darkness from which they were just set free. Those bound by sickness will themselves see others set free from disease. Healing is pouring forth from the heavens in every place, spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, reach up and grab what God has for you. Take hold of the need. But this is not for you alone… as you have freely received, freely give. Touch the heart of God by believing Him for something new and different.
Refuse to take these old hang-ups and issues with you anymore and experience the incredible FREEDOM God has already given you. You are His warrior, go forward expecting the victory. Step out according to His plan and see Him move in you and through you to move His Kingdom forward. I am with you beloved, mighty warrior, be not afraid. Tend my flock and make war on the specific enemy I have delivered into your hand.
My wars are won long before I send you into the actual battle- When I woke you up to pray and you obeyed, when I asked you to spend time with Me and not in front of the TV or tucked away from others and you obeyed. The times you fasted when My Spirit urged you. When you submitted to authority and you did not want to. When you humbled yourself and obeyed Me, you were fighting and winning battles. Now it’s time to go take the land in much the same way- Continue to pray but feel free to move forward boldly according to the strategy I have given you.
Let them know, no you do not want another liquor store in your neighborhood. No you do not want the schools teaching your kids that homosexuality is an okay lifestyle. No, you will not stand for the teaching (acceptance of the fact) that it is okay to worship with others like you only. Open your home to your neighbors and speak life to them. Live a life submitted to Me in humility, consider others and speak the word in every place.
Take back your family in My name. Determine that generational curses will go no further. Serve and give wholeheartedly. Serve- it is important- to receive, something has to be given. And believe, believe, believe- I am truly with you always.