Twitterpated

Well, in the grand scheme of things, there I worse things I could be. To find out why I am admitting defeat, click here. Try to take it easy on me, please.

NEWS FLASH!!

This just in... Reports are coming in confirming that Aisha Willis is indeed...
a WOMAN!
I am a tomboy, through and through and completely happy with that fact. I watch cartoons, play video games, read shonen manga and on occasion like to wrestle. I am more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt than a skirt and if I wear make-up, well someone is dead or I have a really important job interview. I want what most want out of life and that is simplicity, fun and comfort.

As of late, I have lost some weight and had to go buy new clothes. These are a couple of my newer items:







So yesterday I wore this with a pair of jeans and got the, "Wow you sure are getting more girly! When is the wedding?" This was of course followed by laughter. I know it is all in good fun, but it really gets old. Yes, I have changed over the past three months and yes that was around the time I met him so it only makes sense that everyone would think that he is the sole reason behind all the changes but I assure you, there is more to it than that. Yes, I like him, that fact is well established. I know it, he knows it. We are not a couple though, we are friends, so please stop asking about the wedding.

If I look nice on a given day, it is okay to just tell me I look nice without making a big deal of it or bringing "someone" into it. I have a hard enough time accepting compliments as it is. I am not upset, so I do not want anyone to think I am mad. I just get a bit uncomfortable with all the talk I guess.

I wonder what they will say when they see me in this?:


I have a feeling I am in for a world of troublesome, incessant teasing....

My purse

After the previous post I do not know how much validity is left in this statement but...

Just because I started carrying a purse that is khaki with a pink gingham strap and flowers and butterflies is not proof that I am giddy and it is not open season to tease Aisha!! I have had that purse since summer 2000. I started carrying a purse again because it was getting incredibly uncomfortable to lug that huge backpack around, not because I am trying to be "girly". And the hint of make-up is because of the new job search, it's not like the otaku would see it anyway. So what if I just bought a new skirt, I wanted it for church, although "someone" will get a picture of me in it. Oh yeah and me getting more comfortable around cameras is not at all because of... I should just stop here.

Can someone get me a ladder and how the world did I end up with this shovel in my hand anyway?

Torn

"A part of me wants to leave
but of me wants to be here with with you
and every time I think we're over and done
you do something to get me back lovin' you-
And you got me just torn in between the two
'cause I really wanna be with you
but something's telling me I should leave you alone (leave you alone x2),
And you got me just torn in between the two
'cause I really wanna be with you
but something's telling me I should leave you alone (leave you alone x2)"

bridge/ chorus from "Torn" by LeToya Luckett
This is the song I am loving right now, wonder why?

Wrong, wrong, wrong! You are so very wrong for me, go away! But when you do, will my newfound confidence and joy go too? You have been good for me in a way but I am already more emotionally attached to you than I should be, so I don't think I can even be your friend because, that is to say I... want you. I want to see you, be near you, listen to you, be held by you. This is so very bad, I already know I cannot have you yet I continue to hope that maybe...

Why did I have to find you interesting enough to develop feelings for you? Meeting you and having you become my friend was literally an answered prayer so I cannot really be upset about that. I just want to be special to you, I know you think highly of me and enjoy our friendship but as much as it pains me to say it, I want more. Now, of course, the immature part of me wants to offend you and make you hate me so I can get rid of you completely but that is just childish and stupid. I refuse to sabotage this just to make it "easier" to deal with. Thank you for being my friend, my darling incubus, I'll be okay soon.

These are the emotions that great songs are made of!

C

This is post number 100! Click the link above for some Roman numeral fun. I was going to write something else today but in honor of such a complete number I'll wait for post CI.

Reach

"If I could reach, higher
just for one moment touch the sky
for that one moment in my life
I'm gonna be stronger
know that I've tried my very best
I'd put my spirit to the test
if I could reach"

Chorus from "Reach" written by Gloria Estefan and Diane Warren

So many times, with so many things in my life I hold myself back. I have these irrational fears that I let grip me and I do not take advantage of some opportunities presented to me because in my mind I have already failed them before I even try. Today we are going to try to do things a little differently. I do not know where the sudden boost of confidence has come from but it is time for a mind change. So starting right now I am taking a baby step to the freedom of forward motion. Meaning? Today I am not going to let my past failures and disappointments determine my destiny. Get up, look forward, move ahead (sounds like a song) and GO FOR IT!!

Story Teller

I always wanted to be a storyteller. I have always had ideas and images running through my mind but the challenge, the art the craft comes in being able to turn all of these ingredients into a delicious masterpiece ready to be ingested and enjoyed by all. We all talk, communicate and use words in everyday interactions but it takes someone special to bring those words to life in a way that can make you laugh, puzzle your mind, bring you to tears. The best stories and books to me are the ones that have you on a rollercoaster of emotion or put you right in the middle of the action. I wanted to be that special person that led people on these journeys. The tour guide that took you away from the routine of your everyday and let you wander into my imagination.

I don't know what I am going to do right now with all these desires. I have been writing a lot lately though, there are 10 works in progress. I am not sure if they will be poems or songs or develop into short stories. I have also returned to my love of books. Oddly enough the thing that has returned me to books was an anime. Of course, that was based on a graphic novel (manga). I may have mentioned it once or twice before - Read or Die. Yes, I know I am hopeless! :p

So many interests and so little time.

Someone

Someone apparently feels that somebody is special, too!!
I am delighted and giddy. (there I admit it)
*sigh*
I can hardly wait to see my darling incubus again.

ADDENDUM 05/09/06:
In someone's own words, "I think highly of you."
*double dreamy sigh*

The Greatest Battle

The fight for a soul. Everyday I wake up these days I am so confused. I do so want to work toward having a true relationship with God. But there is so much of me that lacks the faith and patience. Just like everyone else, life happened to me and a lot of what has happened I have not liked or situations have left me so scarred (and scared) that I do not wish to try new things or attempt to have faith that one day this life may actually work out to be something enjoyable. Day after day all I can see is where I have failed here or I could have been better there. It's not like I look at the time I have lived and I can say truthfully that I have so much to be excited about, so much to live for. I used to buy into the lie that if you follow the "right" formulas (ie - do your best at everything and give yourself fully into what you do) eventually you will see the result you want. It's just not like that though. Life was never meant to be controlled by a temporal being such as myself.

Frustration is nothing more than seeing the goal you are trying to attain and no matter how hard you try or what path you take, you can not reach it. Everything is an obstacle, especially me. I have known for years that I am my own worst enemy but it does not really help me to change that fact. It is not like I can look back on a string of successes and say, "Look it worked for you then why not now?" And it is not like I do not know or full well or believe that God is more than capable of changing me into who he wants me to be or helping me to achieve the goals that I fully believe that have come from dreams He gave me. It's just I feel so hopelessly ineffective at everything. I don't allow myself to dream at all anymore. Could you imagine what life would have been like for Joseph had he not held on to his dreams?

I feel as though I have failed miserably at everything I have tried. On more than one occasion I have been asked why I can be there for, believe in, give to and encourage others but not do the same for myself. "Aisha why won't you allow yourself to be the happy person that I know you are? Why is it so difficult for you to love and care for people as openly as it is obvious that you do?" The answer to the question, happy is a wonderful feeling. To unconditionally love someone and be willing to forgive and give without limit is an invigorating thing and something I want to learn more about and grow in. The problem is that every high has a low and I just don't know how to adjust between the two. I would rather (very stupidly) be miserable and not expect much than have to lose a moment of joy or allow myself to be continuously disappointed.

This silly and childish way of thinking in no way works or helps to ease the pain of anything. I try to think back on the days when there was no doubt in my mind that God really does love me even though I am me with all my flaws and weaknesses. When I knew that even though life might be difficult and there may be unexpected twists and turns, I knew, understood and accepted that those bumps along the way were there to teach me lessons to mold me to be the godly woman He wanted me to be. Faith has always been something I was weak in. I am one of those people that you have to prove everything to. Show me data and things in three dimensions. Expecting to take a blind step out and hoping, no knowing, the invisible bridge will show up is not my speed. I believe the basic things (God is God. Period. The Bible is His Word and a my connection to learn about Him and how I should live, etc.) but you know even the devil's minions believe that.

I think in the end I am just afraid to fail God again. I disappoint most people I come in contact with or I am not able to live up to their expectations. These are things that you learn to live with, never quite get used to but live with. But the thought that after all this life the few words I hear will not be, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" but "Away from me, evildoer. I never knew you!" It's a scary thought. But more than just being damned to hell, it's the fact of knowing that I was to scared and too selfish to learn to love the ONE who loved me all along.

The battle wages on...