Sorry

It's that simple

Women Are Evil...

... it's just a basic truth.

It's a side effect of having to put up with all the BS brought on by stupid boys. Trust me you cannot cry enough tears to shed the evil that resides within. Now not all women are evil but the ones that are have to shell out enough for those that aren't.

Boys Are Stupid...

Throw rocks at them!

a friend has this on her MySpace and it made me laugh. I thought I would share it with you

DCX

The Dixie Chicks were in town last night and I ended up with a ticket at the last minute, YAY! (thanks to my guitar teacher) The show was GREAT. I don't care if you don't like the things they have to say or their opinions, there is no denying the musicianship. Their vocal harmonies and ability to play their respective instruments was impressive. I have all their CDs and enjoy them but having seen the live show my respect level for thier talent has gone up yet again. Seriously Martie makes me wish I had been an orch dork in school and learned to play the violin and viola. Emily picking away on that banjo and one wicked cool Telecaster made me want to go home and practice right away and Natalie is... well yeah I'm so jealous of her voice (and her ability to perform in 3-1/2" heels) *L* In any case it was tons of fun and that is a ticket I will be looking forward to having again in the future. Just not in the ceiling next time, the AAC is huge!

4 Months/ 30 days

4 months until my 30th birthday.... Just a reminder!

I've been in my own place for a month and I love it!

Making Progress

So I was up until 2:30 this morning attempting to get my place in order and I am happy to report that I now have my living area under control! (well I do have to put away my CDs) I just started working and was able to keep going. Of course I'm paying for it today, I'M SO TIRED! Now I just have to get everything else in order. Oh well, when I finally finish there will be a big party. YAAY!!

Visit Snake Ai Musings for a couple of poems from the days of my youth. Comment and tell me how green it truly is.

On a not so fun note, I have to go to court tomorrow for a traffic ticket. BOO, HISS!

By the way, I appear to be falling in love again but more on that in the near future. Too bad it's not with a person.

The Window Dreamer

Click me to read a poem from my past.

R.O.D - Really Obsessed Dork

Or at least that is what they tell me! *LOL*
So it's been a little too serious around here lately. Although I should be getting my new place in order, I have had my head buried in graphic novels and other books. So much so that my neighbor and friend Chelsea told me, "You're acting like that Yomiko character you like so much." Classic! I took it as a compliment of course. Here for your viewing pleasure is the Read or Die OVA, episode 1 in three parts (approx 30 minutes). I just adore You Tube!

Part I


Part II


Part III

Happy Halloween!

Click the link to read The Raven by the great master Edgar Allan Poe. Enjoy and may you have more treats than tricks!

Just a Girl

Well in the grand scheme of life I am only a woman. Nothing spectacular about me to keep you here by my side or to make you want to try harder to be with me. I am obviously rather easily replaced in your mind and did I ever make it to your heart? I had hoped. But just because you passed on this does not mean that somebody else won't turn up and I'll be able to be the star in that universe. No, I am not angry. My pride is wounded a bit and I could sit and sulk that you so easily forgot me or I could take what I learned and choose to grow. Yes that is what I'll do. I guess I have to finally move past you too. Thanks for the chapter that you helped me to write in this book called my life.

-----
To explain:

I'll keep this simple. I wanted to be important to someone, I really did. I thought I had met someone special and for a short time he was but as much as I wanted to be with him there were certain things about me that I would not change and certain things about him that he would not change. Trust me I thought about it. I wanted to be with him. I also wanted to leave some sort of mark on him (you know that hope that it would be hard to get over me) but he has so already moved on and good for him. I am so glad that he is not like me in this respect and unable to let go of a relationship that was never really official. Today this is really bothering me. I keep writing in the hope that I will write it out of my system. I bear no ill will toward him and I really do hope for the best for him, I'm just sad that the best for him had nothing to do with me.

-----

Now Aisha it really is past time to move on... Let's go!

7 Days

I've been in my own place now for 7 days, a full week and do I love it? You bet I do! I did end up with the family cat though, grrr. Don't get me wrong I love the cat, he's great but he is old and needs lots of attention and he sheds fur everywhere. He also cries a lot, I think he misses my mom. Oh well she will be over to see him soon enough I suppose. I'm still trying to get things in order and there is no food in the house but I don't really care that much, the place is mine all mine and everything will be done eventually. Have a lovely week everyone.

5 Months

Yes, we are five months away from my 30th birthday! Just thought I would let you know.

The Evolution of Robin Thicke

This is the title of one of the best (and most anticipated) CDs of the year! Okay that is my own opinion but this is greatness in music form. This is in the neo-soul genre and is the second effort from Robin Thicke (son of "Growing Pains" star Alan Thicke). The music, the lyrics and mood set by this are a wonder. Definitely worth the 3 year wait since Cherry Blue Skies/ A Beautiful World. My favorite song is #11 Can U Believe. I would continue to gush but why when You Tube can bring the magic right to you. Enjoy!

2 The Sky


Lost Without U

k

The only constant in life is change. Change is many times good and most times scary. Well I get scared anyway, when I cannot see how something is going to work out. In any case here are two of the recent changes:

Amazingly I still work at the airport but I am in a new department

I am moving at the end of this month (finally getting my own place, no roomates)

I tend to get worried about the airport job because, well it still is not a stable position. I'll still be working at Sbux to get insurance and all that jazz so I'll still be working 2 jobs. I should just be grateful that I have work at all. It is not easy trying to find a good job.

I am excited about my new place though. I'll be able to go home and do what I want without worrying about how it will affect someone else. I'll be able to have my friends over for dinner or drinks or games and anime or whatever the heck else I want. I will tell you this though, it is really hard packing. This is mostly because my mom and I are having to finally go through my grandmother's things. It's been four months and I still cry like a baby most days because I miss her so much. I'm keeping a few of her things such as t-shirts, shoes and her old robe. Her scent still remains in some of the items. In any case this part is no fun.

Oh well soon enough I will be in my own place and getting to know myself. Scared? A little. Excited? A lot. Feeling guilty? Not one bit.

Random II

... and had I known in the beginning that the end would seem to defeat me, would I have called in sick that day, lost a turn or maybe pretended not to notice? No, I don't think so. This will not get the better of me. I have so much to look forward to and so many other things to do. I'm sure that somewhere deep in me I believe that this is the ultimate truth. So I will say that it was good to meet you that day and take what I have. I'll be strong and say today will bring another tomorrow and perhaps another you to heal the current sorrow...

I Miss the Weekend

For a little over 2-1/2 years I have been working 2 jobs. I am so grateful that I am employed because before this stretch I spent 9 straight months unemployed and not receiving unemployment. That sucked! But not being able to enjoy the weekend is a total pain. I wake up just as early on Saturdays and Sundays as I do the rest of the week and it's starting to kill me. I want to be able to look forward to the weekend like other people do.

"So Aisha do you have any plans this weekend?"

"Duh, I'm working! Gosh!"

It's the same thing over and over. Even when I have other plans it is hard to get excited about them because I know I will be worn out from work. UGH! How I long for one job that meets my needs. Yes, I am complaining. I know I have it better than a lot of people and I should just be grateful but it is so hard. I want to be excited about the activities I have in my life like guitar, running and going to see live music when I can. But it is difficult to find time for the things I'm doing now. When I add kung fu in December I'm going to need that clock that Hermione had in the second Harry Potter book just to keep up. Oh well I don't exactly know how but I know this will all work out well, hopefully soon. Have a great weekend everyone.

I'm Going Through Changes

"We shared the years, we shared each day,
In love together we found a way,
But soon the world had its evil way,
My heart was blinded,
Love went astray

I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes"

So this time it's Black Sabbath moving me into a new template. You ever notice that I have seriously diverse musical tastes? It seemed to be time for a change again so I will be playing about with colors and going nutters until I decide on what I like the most. I may go back to some darker colors but who knows? The colors of the last template were centered around a picture of Yomiko "Agent Paper" Readman but here lately I'm feeling very Emily Strange and even a little Princess Ai. Yep, that is pretty much how I see myself a nerdy, angsty diva. Good day to you all!

ODIS

Mike: skins; Larry: vox, acoustics; Rob: guitar; Bristen: bass

This post is dedicated to my favorite local band, the boys of ODIS. Their style is definitely rock and roll but there is no denying the presence of soul and R&B grooves. It's Led Zepplin meets Lauryn Hill at Erykah Badu's house with Prince, The Who, The Isley Brothers, Earth Wind and Fire and Pink Floyd as the guests of honor. And it all works together so well. Click the title or the side bar to hit up their MySpace.

You get rocked ninja-style. It is an experience like no other. One moment you are grooving to the beat and out of no where your soul gets jacked and taken on this crazy ride that leaves you thinking, "Get out of my head man!" But it's a feeling that you want more of everytime. Go check them out sometime.

The other reason I posted this is because of the pictures! How freakin' rock and roll are they?! Show my boys some love!

From 9 September 2006, Firewater Bar & Grill

WTHeck?!

Don't laugh, I am going to quit swearing thus funny title. In any case I may be moving blogs but I'm not sure yet. I may or may not be able to get back here but we will see soon enough. Darn that Blogger in Beta thing! Well I am off to an interview, YAY!

Random

...and then there are the days that I wonder, why did I bother thinking that I was done with you? I'm tired of this place, I do not wish to be here. I want to be lost in that dream that I shared with you. From the beginning I knew the nightmare was to come but as the rollercoaster gained speed and climbed the hill what did I care? I had you here, with me, and the excitement caused my heart to race spurred on by a dare. Am I now unhappy? No it is not so. I just miss the warmth of your presence, the part of me that was filled just by having you near...

Dreaming of a Kung Fu Christmas

*this is a also posted on my White Belt Runner blog*
It has been decided by the high counsel of elders (the old farts in my head) that I will begin to learn Kung Fu starting in December. Today I went in for a trial class at Wujido Martial Arts Institute Dallas. It was AWESOME! After only 20 minutes I was sweating and shaking and after another five minutes I almost passed out while holding the "horse stance." It was GREAT! (note to self: eat before engaging in intense physical exercise, duh!)

I pushed my body as far as it could go and I was severely challenged. I was thinking,"Man what am I getting myself into? This is much more difficult than that school I went to last week! I don't think I am going to be able to do this." At that moment I realized that this is exactly where I need to be. This is the challenge I am looking for. I want to push my body to its peak in order to get the most out of it. I want to master my mind so that I can overcome the discomfort that is sure to come when we are doing strengthening exercises.

Learning a martial art has been a dream of mine since I was a kid watching the Saturday afternoon Martial Arts Matinee on TV. As I have grown and come to understand more about the many benefits of Martial Arts, I became more interested in following that path. Discipline, respect for others, focus, sincerity and balance are all key highlights I look forward to grasping and living out.

Sometimes I'm Afraid

At times I am afraid to be me. For the longest time I had painted a mental picture of myself as only being an angry, bitter and hateful soul. I now know that this is not true. I put that face to the world to protect the kind, caring and loving me hoping to avoid the hurts of life but it did not and does not happen that way.

In any case I am angry right now. Very angry about the behavior of some around me and I am scared. I did not want to admit to being angry because I was afraid to go down that path, afraid that I would go and not come back. But in order to truly move past the anger, and be a good friend on all sides, I have to admit it exists in the first place.

Yeah it's true, I'm angry and what I want to do is hate you, talk about you, turn away from you and leave you to face your prison alone. I want to tear you down and wish nothing but the worst of pain and lonliness upon you but I will not do this. I can not do this. I am going to choose to move on. I guess I'm not scared anymore.

Life Lessons From Fruits Basket: Liking Yourself

I have grown and changed a lot this year. I have come to like and be comfortable with the Aisha.

In volume 5 of the manga Yuki and Haru are trying to encourage Kisa to come out of a dark place that she is in emotionally. Because she looks different than the other students she was teased and ignored. It is so devastating to her that she stopped talking, stopped going to school and has run away from home.

When she meets Tohru, as she does with many of the Sohma's she accepts Kisa completely and loves her. Kisa latches on to this and remains close to Tohru for about a week. A letter arrives from Kisa's school and is read by Yuki and Haru. It says they hope she returns to school soon and that the teachers are there for her blah, blah, blah.

"And what is most important... is for you to like yourself, Sohma-san. To find the good things about yourself, and to like yourself for who you are. Because people who don't like themselves can't expect others to like them."

Yuki: I... there was a time... when I stopped talking. Just like you. My reasons... were a little bit different... but... I think the feelings... of being ashamed of myself and hating myself... are the same. Here... it says to "like yourself." What does that mean? Good things- How are you supposed to find them? I only know things that I hate about myself. Because that's all I know, I hate myself. But... even if you force yourself to find good things... it feels so empty. It doesn't work that way. People like your teacher just don't get it. I think... when you hear someone say they like you, for the first time... then you can begin to like yourself. I think when someone accepts you, for the first time... you feel like you can... forgive yourself a little. You can begin to face your fears... with courage.

*as Yuki continues to speak Kisa begins to think of the times that Tohru has smiled and told her that she loves her and also about her mother. (she was afraid to tell her mom about the teasting) tears begin to flow freely from her eyes*

Kisa: *hesitantly* ...Yeah. Yeah. Yeah... I was so hap... py...
Haru: Ki...
Yuki: Kisa. What do you... want to do next? Do you think it's okay to stay like this?
Kisa: *hesitantly* No... never... I have to... try my best... or I'll become... worse and worse. Even if I can't make up with them... even... if they all ignore me. *thinking: Even if my heart... is still seen as inferior* I still have to... try my best.
Yuki: That's right... let's try our best. *end*

I have a great family and many friends. My family accepts me, but I come from the school of thought that they have to. My closest friends also accept me for everything that I am, good or bad. I have not until very recently been comfortable being me. This year, just in case you missed it, I fell pretty hard for a guy. A new friend who accepted me. Someone who did not back away or judge me when he found out more and more about who I am.

I realized more and more who I am and realized that I no longer cared what others thought about me and my way of life and thinking. I am a very insecure person. I was teased, bullied, picked on, beaten up, ignored and made to feel like I was worthless by many people over the years. I have, whether in school or work, been labeled time and again. I have been misunderstood by people who were supposed to be best friends. In my mind I envisioned myself to be all of that negativity. My true friends would try to convince me otherwise but it is hard to see the good when all most people around you choose to hone in on is the bad.

When I realized that I loved James and that I did not have to hide any of who I was from him and realized that he accepted me, I finally felt free to be myself in front of God and everybody. Someone finally accepted me for all of me.

I'm still insecure and worry about whether or not I am accepted by those around me but that does not define how I view myself anymore. I also finally got in touch with the fact that most importantly God accepts me and loves me no matter what. What else do I need? Of course I'm human so I'll still want to be accepted by my peers but someone else's opinion does not dictate how I view the Aisha anymore. Things did not go the way I wanted with James but I was able to take something great from that situation, my sense of self-worth. (and a great friend!) That has helped me to grow. I have to try my best! I am finally happy with being Aisha.

Amongst My People

this is a bit late but the website just posted the pics
Over Labor Day weekend I went to Anime Fest for the first time. (thanks to Mary for paying) I had so much fun! I was only able to experience a small bit of all the action because of work, but the time I spent was well worth it. Everywhere I looked there was someone that was at least 10 times the dork I am :> Click the link above to see some pictures of all kinds of characters. (quietyell.com)

One of my favorite costumes was Ed from Cowboy Bebop. The girl had everything from the rosy anime blush cheeks to her ever present home made computer. She was the only "Ed" I saw and that was nice because I saw at least 4 Kurosaki Ichigo, 3 Edward Elrich and more than one of both Cloud and Sephiroth. There were also cute couple pairings like InuYasha/ Kagome and Sosuke/ Sakura. There was this one really hot Col. Roy Mustang but he was probably only 20 years old. * sad sigh*

But I digress. I have already decided that I will definitely be doing the whole cosplay thing myself next year but I have yet to decide which character I want to be. Yomiko Readman? Anita King? Fu? Faye Valentine? Princess Ai? There are so many to choose from. I am getting excited about it now just thinking about it. In any case whatever I do choose I am going to go over the top with it and get completely into character and have a ton of fun. It cracks me up to think about it, a 30 year old woman running aound dressed up like that for 3 days. But after seeing at least 8 full grown men dressed in school girl uniforms, I think the world can handle me in all my anime babe glory.

*ROTFLMAO*

Life Lessons From Fruits Basket: Memories

Lately I have been thinking I wish I could erase some of my memories.

In volume 4 of the manga there is an interesting conversation between Tohru and Momiji. He is telling Tohru that his mother's memory of him was erased by Hatori. His mother hated the fact that she had given birth to a child that was cursed, she could not accept it. She said it was her biggest regret in life. She was going crazy from it. So Momiji's dad says to him when he is about 6 years old that if he really loves his mama he won't mind if they remove her memories of him being her son. Momiji being a good kid that wants to make his parents happy agrees and his dad says he will love him enough to make up for the love he won't be getting from his mom.
(side note: I cry like a baby every time I read or watch this part)

Momiji: I wonder if I really helped mama. But... I think... I want... to live with all my memories. Even if they're sad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me. Even... even if they're memories I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away... if I keep trying, then someday... someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that. I want to... believe that. Because I want to think... that there's no such thing... as a memory that's okay to forget. That's why... that's why I really... didn't want mama to forget. I wanted her to keep trying. But... that was my selfishness.
while Momiji is speaking Tohru is remembering the pain of losing her mom. She cries and responds:
Tohru: I also... believe that. thinking to herself as she hugs Momiji (he transforms): I want to take any memory... and hold it in my heart... and believe that. So I can become someone who won't let those memories defeat me. Someday... we'll overcome the pain... and we'll have precious memories. *end*

I miss my grandmother so much. Sometimes I just wish the painful memories of her last days could be taken from me. I have been thinking a lot about character traits I would like to see change within myself and that makes me think of the situations that brought me to the point of wanting things to change. Yeah, some real humdingers I would like to get rid of there. I would also like to take away the memories I have of... well I'm sure if you've been near me at all in the last 7 months you know who I want taken away. But I would be running away from all of these things. That would be the easy way out.

I need to remember my grandmother and the many things I learned from her. I loved her and that is why I think about her so much. I needed to experience those things that led me to a desire to change for some reason right. It has been part of my growth and development. I am in a constant state of change (what a lovely oxymoron). There is also nothing wrong with me remembering the joy I felt or looking at how goofy I was because I was twitterpated.

Yes each memory I have is precious in its own way and I will not be defeated by them. It is no fun to live in sadness bound by regret and I refuse to do so. I will not forget but I will learn and grow and become stronger. I will also be happy and look forward to the new memories that are to come.

Miss Fire

Yukina Fire that is. Yes my beautiful darling and I have been making music together for one year now. I'm so happy with this purchase. In honor of such a special event I took her to get new strings and get cleaned up.


One of these days I'll be able to do her justice by playing better. Oh well, here is to many more years together. Thanks to everyone in bloggerville who helped me to choose the name.

Fruits Basket

This will all make sense after my next few blog entries.
Fruits Basket is a very popular shojo manga and anime by Natsuki Takaya that I can't get enough of. I love it. The main character possesses a lot of character traits I wish I had. There are lots of little object lessons I have picked up from the series. Yes, I know that is kind of sad but you truly can learn from anything if you are open to it. In any case for future reference when I post one of these I wanted to put a little Fruits Basket background so that you can understand where I am coming from. (yes I already know that you think I'm crazy)

Summary:
The enigmatic Sohma family shares a great secret, its members are possessed by spirits of the Chinese Zodiac, and when they are hugged by members of the opposite sex, they transform into their Zodiac animal! Tohru Honda, an orphaned high school freshman, is given lodging in the Sohma household in exchange for taking care of household chores. The humble Tohru is quite grateful for the Sohma family's generosity, and the longer she stays with them, the more they realize what a blessing she is in their lives, as well.
(source: tokyo pop.com)

Character List:
Tohru Honda: main character. The most gentle, lovable person you'll meet. Loyal and serving, constantly puts others needs before her own.

Arisa Uotani: one of Tohru's best friends. She was very close to Tohru's mom, Kyoko before her passing. Arisa had been a "yankee" (gang member) from the time she was in 5th grade until meeting Tohru in middle school.

Saki Hanajima: Tohru's other best friend. She has an interesting ability to sense people's auras. Not quite psychic but sort of. She has a bit of a Goth demeanor but she is very kind and protective of those she loves.

Kyo Sohma: the fabled, ostracize Cat. He is a martial arts fanatic whose greatest desire is to beat his cousin Yuki in a fight. He believes that this will allow him to be accepted into his family and the zodiac.

Yuki Sohma: the Rat. The "prince" of Kaibara High School. He is intelligent, athletic and the cutest boy to ever grace the halls. He has his own fan club. His shy demeanor hides many dark secrets.

Shigure Sohma: the Dog. At 27, he is one of the older cursed members of the zodiac. He is flirtatious as can be. Most of the day to day life in our story unfolds in the home of this novelist.

Kagura Sohma: the Boar. She is in love with Kyo. She is one of a select few that accepts him for all that he is. She loves him so much that she tends to beat him up most times she sees him, giving new meaning to the phrase "love tap". It is however a bit of a sad love.

Momiji Sohma: the Rabbit. You would never guess that this half German, half Japanese boy is 15 because of his small stature and childish actions. But he has a heart of gold and like many of the cursed Sohma's he hides a sad secret that he refuses to forget.

Hatori Sohma: the Dragon, seahorse. Hatori is the family's doctor. Most of his time is spent caring for Akito, the head of the family. Hatori has an interesting ability to be able to suppress people's memories which he has had to use to help hide the family's secret a number of times. In one very sad situation he had to erase the memories of the woman he loved.

Hatsuharu Sohma: the Cow. A very courteous young gentleman who loves martial arts and his girlfriend Rin (also a zodiac member). "Haru" as he is called is the same age as Momiji and has an alter ego referred to as "Black Haru".

Ayame Sohma: the Snake. He is the same age as Shigure and Hatori and the three of them are close friends. He is also Yuki's older brother but there is quite the rift between the two. He is trying his best to heal it. "Aya" is extremely confident and vain. He owns a shop where he designs and creates all kinds of dresses and costumes.

Kisa Sohma: the Tiger. A shy middle schooler who Tohru helps to bring out of her shell. When she first appears she is unable to speak due to situations she is facing at school.

Hiro Sohma: the Sheep. A smart and sarcastic middle school boy who loves Kisa and becomes jealous of Tohru because of her close friendship with her.

Ritsu Sohma: the Monkey. Extremely shy and insecure, he wears women's clothes because he says it takes away the pressure for him to be assertive. He does know that this is strange but he lacks the confidence to change. He feels that he is worthless and constantly apologizes, even when it is not necessary.

Isuzu (Rin) Sohma: the Horse. She is quite the stubborn one. She is very beautiful and is girlfriend to Haru. She wants to break the curse and wants Tohru to get away from the family for her own good.

Kureno Sohma: the Rooster. He is Akito's personal assistant and does not get to go out or see the other family members very much. On one of his few trips outside of the Sohma estate he meets and develops a fondness for Arisa Uotani.

Akito Sohma: the young master of the Sohma family. He bears the core of the dreaded curse in his body and perhaps carries the greatest secret of all. He is feared and despised by most members of the zodiac and does all he can to control their lives. Although he initially allows for Tohru's presence after he sees the positive effects she is having on having on his family members he quickly becomes jealous.

The Word of the Day

FORGIVENESS

I am a poor sport at this and I realize that if I want to move forward from this point in my life one of the things I have to work hard at is forgiveness. There are many situations from my past that I hold on to that are obviously holding me back from the healing I need so that I can grow. I am not good at forgiving myself for things that I have done to hurt those around me.

I also have to forgive those who have hurt me or deceived me or not lived up to what could possibly be an unfair expectation. I am human. I want to be ruled by my emotions and use these grievances to build a wall to protect my heart from future pain. I cannot allow this to happen though. If I choose to not trust I would be no good to anyone and if there is one thing I want for my life it is to be a helpful force in the lives of those around me.

I was recently challenged to think about these things when I read Mary's blog on forgiveness. I have hurt many people in many ways. I have been hard to work with or deal with, I have lied, I have said things with the cruelest intention of bringing the worst kind of pain. I have wanted my way at all costs and I have done things that cause me to hang my head in shame.

Despite all of these terrible things I have been forgiven. Who am I to withhold forgiveness from those who have hurt me when I have been forgiven in such a great way? Increase my faith indeed. But I already know I have to choose the way of forgiveness. It may open me up to receive more pain and troubling times but I would rather forgive that give in to fear and bitterness.

The point of writing this here is to put it in black and white (so to speak). I can easily act like I did not make this decision but all I have to do is see this and I'm sure some of my friends will be quick to remind me this is here. Sometimes accountability is a good thing. I will work hard and I will fight to find the way to what is right.

How It's Going to Be

I am scared of the many unknowns but I trust God is working and conducting this orchestra. I do not understand everything (nor do I need to) but I am content. I am going to smile anyway.

My grandmother is in heaven. She finished the work she was here for and now she has eternal, peaceful rest. That makes me happy.

My job will end on September 1 and I'm not sure what will happen after that but I will be taken care of. I am grateful for my Starbucks job. I have met some great people and I have also made friends. Friendship is vital to me. That makes me happy.

Yes, I am still waiting and holding out hope that my counterpart is out there but I also know that I am being prepared. I am being molded into the woman I need to be. I am working hard at being a good daughter, sister and friend. I have an awesome family and great friends. I have certain freedoms as a single person that are not to be taken lightly so I am grateful for that. Also I had a thought today that just as I am praying to find him, there is some random guy out there praying to find me. Sounds kind of sappy but that makes me happy.

My family and friends are depending on God to find the strength that they need to face the challenges in their lives. They are asking for help and working the situations out. Some of them are just braving each day and moving forward. They will not be taken down by the harsh realities and unfair punches that life throws. That makes me happy.

So Aisha, you who believe in God and know without a doubt that you are His daughter, plant your mustard seed and let it grow.

Where It's At

My heart hurts, it is broken, in pieces and I am not feeling balanced or whole. I am not feeling at all needed.

My grandmother is gone. It hurts. There is a big empty whole in my heart that went with her. All I can do is feel it, deal with it and try to go on each moment of each day.

My job ends on September 1 at the airport and at Starbucks, c'mon do you think they really need me? I really feel in the way, useless and ineffective while I am there.

I thought my long wait for my mate was over but it is not. Some force beyond my control thought it would be funny to send Aisha the man of her dreams but left out the all important believing in God thing. So now I'm still waiting, trying to be patient. I'm trying to do what I believe is right and it hurts even more. Oh well, I would rather wait on God than deal with the consequences of my own stupid actions.

I have been watching as many of my family friends go through their own ordeals and rough patches in life lately. Watching the ones I love and care for go through difficult times hurts as much as when I face the pain of my own situations. I am praying for all of you.

So, Aisha, you who claim to believe in God, where is your faith? Don't let your emotions win. Hold out hope...

Breaking Free

I feel like I am strengthening my wings right now. It seems that everything is a struggle or a fight. I am like the newly formed butterfly whose wings bat at the hard shell of the cocoon to break free. Sure it is no fun and I am quite tired, honestly I wish someone could help me but this is my fight. The only way I will develop the strength to fly on my own is to break free of my own shell. The strength to fight is not mine alone I am depending on the One who has made me, He is watching, He is my cheering section. I will make it and begin anew, balanced and free.

I'll Be Okay

Yeah that says it...

It's Time for Animaniacs!

Mr. Peabody it's time to jump in the way-back machine and set the year for 1993! Yes I would actually rush home from school to make sure I did not miss Steven Spielberg presents... Animaniacs. I love this show. The musical numbers, the silly jokes the "Wheel of Morality". That show was pure genius! Here is one of my favorite songs, ENJOY!

Yakko's Universe Song

Sadness

Yes, so my absence from blogger world is due to my sadness, which is due to the James thing. Simply put, please pray for me my friends. I am fighting quite the battle right now. My emotions are clouding my judgement and clarity, a greater faith in God and surrender are what I am praying for. I hate feeling like this and add on the grief from losing my grandmother and the situation seems unbearable. I will not be taken down by this but there have been moments this week when I wondered if I would make it through.

Part of me wants to take the easy way out and deny God, then I could not worry about any of this. I would not have to be aware of the battle, I would not have to be accountable and I could have and do whatever I want. Yeah I could do that but I'd still be miserable. The truth has a way of permeating you to your core so that it is nearly impossible for me to deny it. So that's definitely a no go. Ah but that enemy is smart. Every doubt I have ever had is surfacing right now. He wants me to give up and chose the world over God. In so many recent tests God has helped me have a victory. I can't give up on God just because life is hard. I've done that and I'm still picking up the pieces.

By the way, this is all going on in my mind. No one is trying to influence me to leave God or anything like that. I have had to fight my mind more than I care to think so this is not new territory but the battles are getting more intense and somewhat scarier. I refuse to lose this time. Giving up is not an option. God is real and He will prevail. I have made some decisions to move foward in serving God and since then all this emotional stuff has come up. I will continue to fight and God will continue to win.

I Am

THE SITUATION:
As of late a certain friend of mine became a little jealous of my friendship with someone. All in good fun though, no one was hurt but AJ tracked down JR on my MySpace page and decided to ask a simple question. JR's response was so great I just had to post it. Enjoy the fun!

THE QUESTION:

"Are you the scrawny white boy that replaced me?!"

- AJ

THE RESPONSE:

"I am the energy that flows through the sun and sheds light on the earth giving birth to each new day. I am the wind of a raging storm that howls as it cuts a path through the land then slows to a gentle breeze calming all who it touches. I am the words of the poets who lived in the ages of kings and reach across the centuries to touch the ears of man and pull tears from the eyes of the mighty. I am the enigmatic force that pulls the universe into a bottle and casts it into the sea of forever. I am many things, Love, trapped in the shell of a scrawny white boy....."

- JR

*not that it matters but "scrawny white boy" has everything to do with this bumper sticker:*

It's Been a Year

True, I have been here on blogger for a year now. I've learned a lot, changed a lot and become more of the person I wish to be. I will have something to say later I'm sure but right now I'm reading the manga Bleach. Have a lovely day people.

I Believe in a Thing Called Love

Nothing can stop that little truth. Okay, this is what is going on. Yes it is true there is actually a man on the face of this earth that is interested in me. This person to whom I have given part of my heart, yes he does find me interesting enough to be relationship worthy. I should be over joyed but instead I am quite heartbroken and you do not need to look too close to see the tracks of my tears.

The reason I will no longer pursue a dating relationship with him is simple. I found out the truth that for so long I had hoped I might be able to ignore. God is not important to him. Now I am a believer, I may be the worst of the worst but I believe in and know the truth of God. Although I have spent recent years mad at God and rebelling, shaking my fists and attempting to ignore those truths, ultimately I cannot outrun Him and whatever plan He has for me. When faced with will I follow God or seek solace in a relationship with a man who is an unbeliever, really is there even a choice?

How did I miss this important detail from the beginning? Although I wanted to know, I did not want to know. I was aware that there were "issues" with God on his side, I just did not find out how deep they ran. After all, I had my own probllems with Him. I also thought I had drifted far enough away from God to a point that I would not care. I was wrong. Now I have put myself in a place no one wants to be. I am already mourning the loss of my grandmother so any other emotional situation I face right now is instatnly made worse.

For the first time in a long time I am able to truly experience my emotions to their fullest. I have been under a bit of a haze for a while so everything I felt was weird. Now everything I feel is so strong, it is scary in a way. But all I can do is turn to God in a time like this. I am not equipped to deal with this by myself and I refuse to let this send me over the edge. Last Sunday I had come to the conclusion that I really had to stop running from God. I saw my need in a major way so I decided after lots of prayer but continuing to worry that it was time to really let go. I finally said,"OK God, it's yours. All of these situations that I am constantly worried over are yours!" And I truly meant it and I moved on but the one thing that I in my arrogance, pride and selfishness would not leave before God was James. I thought surely I can have just this ONE thing. I knew it was wrong but I...

The complete truth about his feelings on God came up in conversations Thursday night and Friday morning. I let him know how I felt but where I stood on Saturday.

In any case, have my feelings toward him changed any? No. As I said we've already talked about it and he's cool with it. We are friends. I'm not getting rid of him completely though, I still belive that he was brought into my life for a reason. Back in February I realized I was lacking friends in the guy department. That was such a bother to me that I prayed about it. Within a week I had met James. Maybe he was just meant to be a distraction but it is hard for me to believe that considering when I prayed for my new male friends I specifically prayed for certain things and next thing you know this guy shows up out of the blue that loves manga, anime, games, is not obsessed with television, is incredibly smart, loves to read and who's top 3 Rush songs are the same as mine. Yeah, while I was busy being specific I should have made sure to mention I wanted him to live in Dallas, but oh well just a slight oversight on my part.

Dear friends, if you actually read all of this then you are truly dear to me. Even if you did not you know I still care for you. Please regard me kindly and remember me in your prayers. And James too, who knows, God has broken me once again, in light of that ANYTHING is possible!

It's a BOY!

Really, it is! My cousin gave birth to a healthy, beautiful baby boy on Saturday. My family is so grateful. With our recent loss this new life sent to us is so refreshing. Welcome to the world Roman and the love of your family!

Only Fools Fall in Love

Yes, it is as you suppose. It's officially never going to happen. Someone and I are going to be "just freinds". Although we'll see each other soon, it will not be the joyous occasion I thought it would be. My heart strings will soon mend, I'm sure but right now does this ever sting. I've been here before so this is nothing new, it's just that it never gets any easier to go through. Ah well, such is life.

Lyrics and Life

No translation needed. I think we can all read this clearly. I love this song, whether the White Stripes or this, the Joss Stone version. Yeah, have a lovely day everyone. *sigh*


Fell In Love With a Boy

Fell in love with a boy
I fell in love once and almost completely
He's in love with the world
And sometimes these feelings can be so misleading
He turns and says, "Are you alright?"
Oh, I must be fine cause my heart's still beating
Come and kiss me by the riverside,
Sarah says it's cool, she don't consider it cheating

Oooh ooh ooh [x4]

Red hair with a curl
Mellow roll for the flavor and the eyes were peepin
Can't keep away from the boy
The two sides of my brain need to have a meeting
Can't think of anything to do
My left brain knows all of love is fleeting
He's just lookin for somethin new
I said it once before but it bears repeating

Oooh oooh ooh [x4]

Can't think of anything to do
My left brain knows all of love is fleeting
He's just lookin for somethin new
I said it once before but it bears repeating

Oooh oooh ooh [x4]

Fell in love with a boy
I fell in love once and almost completely
He's in love with the world and sometimes these feelings can be so misleading
He turns and says, "Are you alright?"
Oh, I must be fine cause my heart's still beating
Come and kiss me by the riverside
Sarah says it's cool, she don't consider it cheating, oh

Don't go telling all my
Don't go telling all my
Don't go telling all my lies on Sarah
Don't go telling all my
Don't go telling all my
Don't go telling all my lies on Sarah

Ooooh oooh oooh [x4]

Can't think of anything to do
My left brain knows all of love is fleeting
He's just looking for something new
I said it once before but it bears repeating

Oooh oooh oooh [x4]

Gonna tell you what's on my mind
I'm gonna tell you what's on my mind
Cause it bears repeating

My Life in Technicolor

It's been 17 days since my grandmother took her last breath. I am... well I am not sure what I am right now. I miss her more than I can ever express with words and I'll never be able to cry enough tears. I have no regrets and I will not fish for any either, although doing something that silly is well within my character.

I have not been able to accomplish much since then although life has continued to go on and I have been able to get things done. The sun still rises and sets at standard times. I wake up, go to work, cook and clean and try my best to be a good daughter, sister (in-law), aunt, niece, cousin and friend. I have been able to keep up with my half-marathon training and guitar practice and I have been able to see positive results from both.

It's just that with all of this, I still feel so lost in a grey fog. The color is gone from my world sometimes. If there is one color that has a permanent stain on my world it is red. The color of anger, the color of love, the color is faded and flat and has no dimension anymore. For so long I felt I have lived in emotional extremes, much of my world could be placed in black, white or red, those were the colors of my existence. When I turned 28 last year however it seemed my eyes finally began to see the bright light of the spectrum clearly for the first time.

Oddly enough, the first color to come was blue, I was depressed but it was not a deep, dark lonely corner of depression, blue held hope. There was the hope of change. Hope brought yellow, a color associated with brilliance and for me the presence of God. And although at the time I was running away from it, I still felt the presence. The existence and more importantly my acknowledgement of that presence changed the white of solely existing to a white of purity, cleanliness, the ability to be ready for use. As time has continued to go on and I became a caretaker I saw the green of growth, I could grow. I had to grow, I had to change because I was needed in a new capacity. Since March of this year there has been another marked change and this is a big one for me. I believe it will have to be gold because it is a radiant color and confidence is a quality that affects not only me but those I am around. The most important quality that I have attempted to seek once again is what allowed me to see the hope of change. I think this is red, a new red. Of course I am referring to love. I appear to many as tough and hard-nosed, uncaring. But if you really know me you know that within me flows this great love. I have tried to deny it and run from it. I have been hurt by it and wanted to turn my back on it and get as far away from anything so related but alas I cannot remain "lost" forever. I think I have officially lost this battle on being lost, but I digress.

The color in my world right now, the joy that it has brought me, especially in the last six months is so hard to see right now. It's like I've had my eyes dilated with that solution. I am aware that the colors are still there, they have not gone anywhere but they are fuzzy, blurry and hard to distinguish because it's as if they are all attempting to overpower the other. Grief is, I suppose all of those colors competing for attention... I don't know. But I will not give up, I will go on, I have to. There are few things in this world that truly bring me joy, but knowing that my grandmother has finished the race, that she finished the work and has claimed the reward of a faithful servant, that brings inexplicable joy. I will continue to color my world and overcome this lurking darkness.

To Mary

Today is one of my bestestest friends special day. I am so grateful that God has placed her in my life. She is a very wise woman that loves and lives for God. Have an AWESOME day, dear friend!!!

To Lauren:

Today my adorable niece turns 2! They do grow up so fast, don't they?

It's a Girl (guitar)!!

Ladies and gentleman meet:

Tessa James





This beautiful piece is a Daisy Rock Stardust Elite Venus. I have liked this guitar for well over a year now and after playing it for the first time back in December I fell in love. Daisy Rock guitars are wonderfully crafted instruments that are designed with women and young girls in mind. As a result they are smaller, lighter, easier to manage and many are just pretty.

When I bought my semi-hollow guitar, I was not sure what name to bestow upon it but this time there was no doubt. Tessa is a character from the manga/ anime series "Full Metal Panic!" She is one of my favorite characters. I am sure it is her determination and desire to do what is right that makes her stand out to me. That, and well she is a 16 year old female genius that is the captain of a submarine! Of course, she is absolutely adorable too. After watching FMP! and FMP? Fumoffu! I saw this guitar and that name popped into my head.

The surname was added recently. James is... my muse. *blush*

Embrace Me

To be held tight and close to the heart of the one you love is one of the most invigorating feelings I can recall experiencing. Right now the one that I want to hold is far, far away. The CD I listen to when I go to sleep has Abrázame, a song fave from the disc Nada Es Igual by Luis Miguel. It has been a while since I've done a translation, so for your reading enjoyment: a sappy love song.


Abrázame (Embrace Me) - L&M: R. Pérez/M. Portmann

-1-
Sé mi amor
I know my love
Hazme un refugio en ti
I made a refuge in you (You are my refuge)
Llena el vacío en mí
You filled the void in me
Me haces falta desde el día en que te ví
It left me (from) the day I (first) saw you
Conjúrate con mi pasión
I swear with (by) my passion
Átame fuerte a tu corazón
Bound tight (with strength) to your heart
No me dejes nunca
Don’t ever leave me
Aunque me hunda
Although everything else fails (sinks around) me

-Coro-
Abrázame
Embrace (hold) me
Demuéstrame que eres real
Show me that you are real (true)
Que por bien o mal, jamás te perderé
For better or worse, I will never lose you
Oh oh abrázame
Oh oh embrace (hold) me
Afírmame que esta vez
Assure me that this time
Por fin llegó el amor
Finally it has arrived, love

-2-
Llegué a creer
I had come to believe
Que mi destino fue vivir así
That it was my destiny to live like this
En soledad
In solitude
Solo amando sin amar, sin saber
Only loving without one to love, without knowing
Que al mirar tus ojos de mar
That to look in your eyes, continuous like the sea
Ya nunca más yo sería igual
No longer will I be the same
Te propongo la eternidad
I offer (propse) you eternity
Ámame siempre
Love me always (forever)

-Coro-
Abrázame
Embrace (hold) me
Demuéstrame que eres real
Show me that you are real (true)
Que por bien o mal, jamás te perderé
For better or worse, I will never lose you
Oh oh abrázame
Oh oh embrace (hold) me
Afírmame que esta vez
Assure me that this time
Por fin llegó
Finally it has arrived

-3-
El amor que yo soñé que tanto esperé
The love that I have dreamed of, that I have waited for
Te nececito, abrázame...
I need you, embrace (hold) me…

-Fin-
Oh Oh abrázame
Oh oh embrace (hold) me
Afírmame que esta vez
Assure me that this time
Por fin llegó...el amor
Finally it has arrived… the love

Lights pt 2

Saturday the light went out.


Earnestine Willis
September 3, 1934 - June 10, 2006


Thank you for everything, granny. I will always love you.

The Wait is Finally Over!

After a LOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGG four year wait, it is that time again. THE World Cup is upon us my duckies! I cannot say enough about how excited I am about this so I will not even try. According to Fox Sports (who decided to use the same title I did), here you can find a two-minute guide to the World Cup. Explore! Enjoy!


GO USA!

Group E
Ghana
Italy
Czech Republic
USA

Call it what you want...

... but you cannot call it love until you no longer live in fear of what your love will bring. "True (perfect) love drives out fear" is what I believe, so if there is fear of another's response, it is not true love. That is conditional (selfishly only willing to admit feelings if and only if they are reciprocated), which is not love at all.

Just thinking out loud...

Who Said?

On Monday I was able to relax and enjoy a partial day off. The joy of waking up and making pancakes from scratch... ahhh how wonderful it was. In any case, I was also able to watch an anime called Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo. Yes as the title implies it is a reworking of the Alexandre Dumas classic.

Phenomenally magnificent!

The animation is amazingly beautiful and sadly that description is not grand enough. An actual fashion designer was brought in on the drawing team. Seriously, click the link because I'll never be able to explain how cool the characters look.

The tag line of the show is "Bide your time and hold out hope." I love this admonition. Because I am adding it as my page quote I thought I would look up more quotes from the actual novel. This led me to BrainyQuote.com. All kinds of quotes can be found here so check it out and have some fun.

Twitterpated

Well, in the grand scheme of things, there I worse things I could be. To find out why I am admitting defeat, click here. Try to take it easy on me, please.

NEWS FLASH!!

This just in... Reports are coming in confirming that Aisha Willis is indeed...
a WOMAN!
I am a tomboy, through and through and completely happy with that fact. I watch cartoons, play video games, read shonen manga and on occasion like to wrestle. I am more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt than a skirt and if I wear make-up, well someone is dead or I have a really important job interview. I want what most want out of life and that is simplicity, fun and comfort.

As of late, I have lost some weight and had to go buy new clothes. These are a couple of my newer items:







So yesterday I wore this with a pair of jeans and got the, "Wow you sure are getting more girly! When is the wedding?" This was of course followed by laughter. I know it is all in good fun, but it really gets old. Yes, I have changed over the past three months and yes that was around the time I met him so it only makes sense that everyone would think that he is the sole reason behind all the changes but I assure you, there is more to it than that. Yes, I like him, that fact is well established. I know it, he knows it. We are not a couple though, we are friends, so please stop asking about the wedding.

If I look nice on a given day, it is okay to just tell me I look nice without making a big deal of it or bringing "someone" into it. I have a hard enough time accepting compliments as it is. I am not upset, so I do not want anyone to think I am mad. I just get a bit uncomfortable with all the talk I guess.

I wonder what they will say when they see me in this?:


I have a feeling I am in for a world of troublesome, incessant teasing....

My purse

After the previous post I do not know how much validity is left in this statement but...

Just because I started carrying a purse that is khaki with a pink gingham strap and flowers and butterflies is not proof that I am giddy and it is not open season to tease Aisha!! I have had that purse since summer 2000. I started carrying a purse again because it was getting incredibly uncomfortable to lug that huge backpack around, not because I am trying to be "girly". And the hint of make-up is because of the new job search, it's not like the otaku would see it anyway. So what if I just bought a new skirt, I wanted it for church, although "someone" will get a picture of me in it. Oh yeah and me getting more comfortable around cameras is not at all because of... I should just stop here.

Can someone get me a ladder and how the world did I end up with this shovel in my hand anyway?

Torn

"A part of me wants to leave
but of me wants to be here with with you
and every time I think we're over and done
you do something to get me back lovin' you-
And you got me just torn in between the two
'cause I really wanna be with you
but something's telling me I should leave you alone (leave you alone x2),
And you got me just torn in between the two
'cause I really wanna be with you
but something's telling me I should leave you alone (leave you alone x2)"

bridge/ chorus from "Torn" by LeToya Luckett
This is the song I am loving right now, wonder why?

Wrong, wrong, wrong! You are so very wrong for me, go away! But when you do, will my newfound confidence and joy go too? You have been good for me in a way but I am already more emotionally attached to you than I should be, so I don't think I can even be your friend because, that is to say I... want you. I want to see you, be near you, listen to you, be held by you. This is so very bad, I already know I cannot have you yet I continue to hope that maybe...

Why did I have to find you interesting enough to develop feelings for you? Meeting you and having you become my friend was literally an answered prayer so I cannot really be upset about that. I just want to be special to you, I know you think highly of me and enjoy our friendship but as much as it pains me to say it, I want more. Now, of course, the immature part of me wants to offend you and make you hate me so I can get rid of you completely but that is just childish and stupid. I refuse to sabotage this just to make it "easier" to deal with. Thank you for being my friend, my darling incubus, I'll be okay soon.

These are the emotions that great songs are made of!

C

This is post number 100! Click the link above for some Roman numeral fun. I was going to write something else today but in honor of such a complete number I'll wait for post CI.

Reach

"If I could reach, higher
just for one moment touch the sky
for that one moment in my life
I'm gonna be stronger
know that I've tried my very best
I'd put my spirit to the test
if I could reach"

Chorus from "Reach" written by Gloria Estefan and Diane Warren

So many times, with so many things in my life I hold myself back. I have these irrational fears that I let grip me and I do not take advantage of some opportunities presented to me because in my mind I have already failed them before I even try. Today we are going to try to do things a little differently. I do not know where the sudden boost of confidence has come from but it is time for a mind change. So starting right now I am taking a baby step to the freedom of forward motion. Meaning? Today I am not going to let my past failures and disappointments determine my destiny. Get up, look forward, move ahead (sounds like a song) and GO FOR IT!!

Story Teller

I always wanted to be a storyteller. I have always had ideas and images running through my mind but the challenge, the art the craft comes in being able to turn all of these ingredients into a delicious masterpiece ready to be ingested and enjoyed by all. We all talk, communicate and use words in everyday interactions but it takes someone special to bring those words to life in a way that can make you laugh, puzzle your mind, bring you to tears. The best stories and books to me are the ones that have you on a rollercoaster of emotion or put you right in the middle of the action. I wanted to be that special person that led people on these journeys. The tour guide that took you away from the routine of your everyday and let you wander into my imagination.

I don't know what I am going to do right now with all these desires. I have been writing a lot lately though, there are 10 works in progress. I am not sure if they will be poems or songs or develop into short stories. I have also returned to my love of books. Oddly enough the thing that has returned me to books was an anime. Of course, that was based on a graphic novel (manga). I may have mentioned it once or twice before - Read or Die. Yes, I know I am hopeless! :p

So many interests and so little time.

Someone

Someone apparently feels that somebody is special, too!!
I am delighted and giddy. (there I admit it)
*sigh*
I can hardly wait to see my darling incubus again.

ADDENDUM 05/09/06:
In someone's own words, "I think highly of you."
*double dreamy sigh*

The Greatest Battle

The fight for a soul. Everyday I wake up these days I am so confused. I do so want to work toward having a true relationship with God. But there is so much of me that lacks the faith and patience. Just like everyone else, life happened to me and a lot of what has happened I have not liked or situations have left me so scarred (and scared) that I do not wish to try new things or attempt to have faith that one day this life may actually work out to be something enjoyable. Day after day all I can see is where I have failed here or I could have been better there. It's not like I look at the time I have lived and I can say truthfully that I have so much to be excited about, so much to live for. I used to buy into the lie that if you follow the "right" formulas (ie - do your best at everything and give yourself fully into what you do) eventually you will see the result you want. It's just not like that though. Life was never meant to be controlled by a temporal being such as myself.

Frustration is nothing more than seeing the goal you are trying to attain and no matter how hard you try or what path you take, you can not reach it. Everything is an obstacle, especially me. I have known for years that I am my own worst enemy but it does not really help me to change that fact. It is not like I can look back on a string of successes and say, "Look it worked for you then why not now?" And it is not like I do not know or full well or believe that God is more than capable of changing me into who he wants me to be or helping me to achieve the goals that I fully believe that have come from dreams He gave me. It's just I feel so hopelessly ineffective at everything. I don't allow myself to dream at all anymore. Could you imagine what life would have been like for Joseph had he not held on to his dreams?

I feel as though I have failed miserably at everything I have tried. On more than one occasion I have been asked why I can be there for, believe in, give to and encourage others but not do the same for myself. "Aisha why won't you allow yourself to be the happy person that I know you are? Why is it so difficult for you to love and care for people as openly as it is obvious that you do?" The answer to the question, happy is a wonderful feeling. To unconditionally love someone and be willing to forgive and give without limit is an invigorating thing and something I want to learn more about and grow in. The problem is that every high has a low and I just don't know how to adjust between the two. I would rather (very stupidly) be miserable and not expect much than have to lose a moment of joy or allow myself to be continuously disappointed.

This silly and childish way of thinking in no way works or helps to ease the pain of anything. I try to think back on the days when there was no doubt in my mind that God really does love me even though I am me with all my flaws and weaknesses. When I knew that even though life might be difficult and there may be unexpected twists and turns, I knew, understood and accepted that those bumps along the way were there to teach me lessons to mold me to be the godly woman He wanted me to be. Faith has always been something I was weak in. I am one of those people that you have to prove everything to. Show me data and things in three dimensions. Expecting to take a blind step out and hoping, no knowing, the invisible bridge will show up is not my speed. I believe the basic things (God is God. Period. The Bible is His Word and a my connection to learn about Him and how I should live, etc.) but you know even the devil's minions believe that.

I think in the end I am just afraid to fail God again. I disappoint most people I come in contact with or I am not able to live up to their expectations. These are things that you learn to live with, never quite get used to but live with. But the thought that after all this life the few words I hear will not be, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" but "Away from me, evildoer. I never knew you!" It's a scary thought. But more than just being damned to hell, it's the fact of knowing that I was to scared and too selfish to learn to love the ONE who loved me all along.

The battle wages on...

He...

... is driving me crazy. I try not to think of him. I try not to let his name run through my mind at all. Then it hits me, if I have to try he is already there. He is a wonderful friend and that's all he ever will be. I am too old to play games and flirt with the idea that a long distance relationship could work. They don't. Period.

But then I think of his bright smile and goofy laugh. His poetic words and riveting stories dance thorough my mind. The silly jokes, the things we have in common.... Every time I hear a RUSH song (his favorite band and #3 in my top 5) on the radio, there he is in my mind- no, my heart. There. I admit it, he has done the near impossible. HE got through to my heart.

We haven't even known each other that long. Our actual face to face contact has been minimal but already he is numbered among the few friends of mine that have stolen my heart. I have completely set myself up for a terrible heart break but in all honesty I don't really care that much. At the moment he has made me very happy and that is the moment I am choosing to hold on to.

R.O.D - Read or Dream

No point in this post, more anime invloved here. So I bought 4 of the 7 discs in the R.O.D the TV series last week at that sale. Well my buddies at Studio Anime failed to inform me the $45 complete 26 episode set was available. It's cool honey bunny because of course I bought it. I was up until 4 am watching the first twelve episodes. Bliss and joy. I finally saw episode 1. It was freakin' SWEET! Check out the the link above for footage from the show.

FUMOFFU!

Yay! More ANIME!

Yesterday I found myself wandering around the mall at lunchtime because I could not figure out what to eat. Shopping is always a suitable alternative to food or pretty much anything. Anyway, I was actually on a mission. The song "Feeling That Way/ Anytime" by Journey has been stuck in my head for a month. Of course the only way to get it out is to put it in someone else's head or listen to it. I opted for listening to it, so off I went in search of "Infinity". My quest led me to Sam Goody, and they were having a going out of business blow out sale. Yipee! I totally cleaned house. Not only did I grab CD's, not Infinity, but 2 anime series. One of them is a full set of 4 discs for ~ $35. Normally in that store it would have been $130.

So this weekend I get to watch Full Metal Panic? FUMOFFU! until I can't take it anymore. *dreamy sigh* I rented it two months ago and still find myself laughing when I recall certain scenes. Now of course, instead of having it stuck in my head, I can actually go watch it and laugh till I cry. Too bad I still have that song stuck in my head!

P.S. - the other anime was... "R.O.D the TV!! Life does have it's moments of goodness.

Blog wear

Think Geek
"stuff for smart masses"











J!NX
"gamers, geeks & hackers"

Green Apron Blues

It is spring and in Texas that means it is already summer. Ahh yes, the time has changed, the sun is shining and baristas everywhere are grumbling and whining. Only a person who has never had to tie the strings of the Siren's green to your waist would ask the question "Why?". I sympathize with every green apron out there. Be warned, my fellow baristas for FRAPPAGEDDON is upon us. Who will save us from such a depraved generation?

Heartspoken

*note: this is at least 3 years old*

It was the words that I did not say,
all those things I wanted to tell you.

Each day went by, now it's tears that I cry,
why wouldn't I say what was as plain as day?

Now my heart, it breaks and each moment it aches...

If only I had said, "I'm in love with you"

All the times we shared, etched into my soul
now memories that will never be sold

To be with you, the sweetest dream,
but no longer is this seen

My love for you, so pure so true,
now you're gone, what am I to do?

In my pride, I let time fly
now all I can do is silently cry.

R.O.D - Read or Die

"Now might be a good time to look at it. You have a choice...
Read or Die!"
- Joker to Yomiko Readman, the Paper







Ahh, yes my darlings it seems my favorite series is back again. Last month, on my birthday no less, Volume 1 of the "Read or Die" manga was released in English. I was in geek heaven. I popped into Studio Anime Friday to pick up my reserved copy and have read it 3 times since.

I just love Agent Paper! Remember her?

She is a total nerd, a bibliophile. She lives for books and cannot get through the day without them. Although she is clumsy and goofy she is the most powerful Paper Master and effective agent for the Library of England. The huge glasses she wears belonged to her boyfriend, Donnie Nakajima, also a bibliophile and Paper Master. Now that he is dead she wears them so that he can continue to read through her eyes. What a sweet sentiment!


After reading the first installment many things from the R.O.D ova and R.O.D the TV already make sense. I am having so much fun with this and I cannot wait until May 17 when Volume 2 hits the shelves.

Somebody, Someone

It turns out that someone knew how somebody felt about them and decided to feign clueless. Somebody was afraid to tell someone their true feelings which is exactly why someone said nothing. Someone thought it was important for somebody to be the one to speak first because they knew it was a difficult task for somebody. Somebody is relieved that the truth is out in the open and is even more grateful for their newest friend. But at some point along the way someone mentioned a weakness. Oh yes, somebody knows the one thing in this world that someone does not like. Someone would go to great lengths to avoid contact with a certain object. Somebody may just have to take advantage of this. Pretending to be clueless, no matter how good the reasoning is behind it, is not fair. Does someone want chocolate covered cherries? Mmmm... tasty!

Someone, Somebody

Someone bought an XBOX 360 and is looking forward to playing it. Somebody can't wait to get their hands on it. Someone will be on the east coast next week. Somebody in the south will be missing someone. Someone will be talking to somebody later. Somebody will be thinking of words that will be a poem about someone. Someone is starting to get the point that somebody thinks they are special. Somebody hopes someone thinks they are "magnificent". Someone is somebody's cool new friend. Somebody is someone's... well I guess somebody has to be patient enough to find out what someone thinks.


Somebody is so very PITIFUL.

Attack of the Geek

Well as of late I have had a certain "otaku" on my mind. I have made more than one reference to him and will continue to do so for a while. Weird, just like any other woman a Antonio Banderas, Taye Diggs, Ben Affleck type will turn my head and make me think things I should not but when it comes down to it, the geek is the one who will steal my heart. Not that the current otaku has but that is generally the way it works. I recently bought a gift for a friend on J!NX and was put in touch with my own inner geek. I am really only a geek because it is geeky to want to be one as bad as I do. I'm such a nerd that I went to, get this, Science and Engineering Magnet High School. One of those places you had to apply to get into and get letters of recomendation and all that jazz (I actually used to be quite smart). In any case all of this pointless rambling is because I am going to post this stuff.











if you understand shirt #3, grab a pocket protector and tape your glasses. YOU are a nerd.









Remember: 42 is the answer... and live long and prosper. Ai out.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

"Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time"

This time it's Bowie ushering in my new layout. I guess I'm feeling a bit MOD today. It's time for something new, something different, something more.... well I don't exactly know but times are ch-changin'. Many new paths in life to take, more to learn, time to grow, maybe even love. I will just have to wait and see. (and watch for the Giddy Police).

Striking the right chord

Remember my little Yukina?


I finally started my guitar lessons last week! Hooray! I had so much fun that I did not want to leave. My teacher's name is Jevette and she is a riot. She has played forever and is looking to build a new band. Interestingly we have something other than being black women who love guitars in common. Yes ladies and gents she also works for Starbucks. What is it with that place? No matter what I do I cannot escape.

The first thing she did was explain to me that I am not allowed to consider myself a beginner. Apparently I am around intermediate speed. News to me. She asked what I new about guitar and I said oh I know a few chords. So I start with a barre Cminor7 and move through a couple of other things and she breaks out with this Cartman voice and says, "You liar! I'm sorry beginners are not allowed to know barre chords and 7s and shut up and play something."

It was funny. So after I stumbled through Def Leppard's "Two Steps Behind" she grabbed a tab of "Emotion" by Smokey Robinson and says to play it. So we went through that and the Ionian major scale. Good times. Then she busts my groove by saying I have to buy a mic. No buying the mic is not a problem, it is the singing part. God gave me a strong love for music but I was cursed when it came to singing. I have a very flat voice. I am always off key etc... Not a pretty thing but I am told I will be singing to get my notes right and what not. Great!
Progress reports will be posted as long as I can type. After all callouses are developed from lots of painful practicing.

This is for me

29 years ago today, God saw fit to put me here. I think I am finally happy about it.

I grew up

Many things have been learned in the past 365 days and I think these are the most important.

1) God loves me.
No nothing new here but acceptance of the truth is crucial to understanding it. There is nothing I did or that I can do to change that fact and I have decided to gain my security in life from this most basic truth.

2) I need to love me.
Insecurity and low self-esteem are not inviting qualities. These are not things others see in you and want to be around. I need to be more confident in the abilities that I have and secure in who and whose I am. If I remember number 1 I will be able to be satisfied with myself no matter my status in life.

3) To love others 1 and 2 must be carried in my heart.
I will not be able to give to others in a genuine manner if I don't love God or respect myself. I have been trying and it really does not work the way I want it to.

3 simple things yet it has taken me this long to grasp the importance.

Emotions and Friendship

Emotions. Sometimes good, sometimes not. This week I was attacked by happy fairies. In a way it's good. I know I don't spend enough time thinking about the good things and actually allowing myself to experience joy. This week I was fortunate enough to get to know a new friend and it's so wonderful because I had been thinking recently I needed a new friend. A friend who not only understands but accepts and can share in my geeky goofiness. I met J three weeks ago and we finally spent some time together this week because he was in Dallas. We have talked and messaged like crazy and I am so tired that my eyes are crossed. I have had such a great week! But eventually all good things have their end. The sirens of sadness always catch up to me. J had to go back home and home is far away. I am not down in the dumps, drag my feet depressed or anything that severe but I do miss him.

Friendship is such an important part of life and sometimes I know I take it for granted. To all of you who are my friends, new or old, know that I love you and care for you all deeply. You are a wonderful group of people and thank you so much for putting up with me.

What Constitutes a "Good Girl"?

So yeah, it took a while but here goes:

What makes a "good girl" so good? Sugar? Spice? Everything nice? Unfortunately when the professor accidentally added Chemical X to my batch, I did not get super powers but super attitude. My friend said something very interesting to me, "Be good! If you can't do that at least don't get caught." In the end, is this what a good girl truly is?

The so-called "girl next door" could be doing naughty things with any and everyone she meets. In private she may hate her 'closest friends' and outside of church she may damn us all to hell. But according to those who 'know' her, she is an absolute angel. Last one to leave the club Wednesday through Saturday night yet the first hypocrite in the pew early Sunday morning.

I started thinking about this a while back when a new friend told me that she had spent a long time trying to be a good girl but she felt that she was wasting her time. Having gone through a similar realization that left me with such intense bitter feelings, I began to wonder what really makes a good girl vs. what society says makes a good girl.

Of course, most of these are based upon my experience in hyper-Christianity.

GOOD GIRL =

Don't swear. Bad words or silly promises.

Don't get drunk. No problem, I like to drink not forget who I am.

Don't lie. A little difficult.

Don't cheat.

Don't hurt others.

Don't be selfish.

Don't have excessive pride.

Don't break the Ten Commandments.

Don't date or live with someone who is not a Christian.

Don't and I mean DON'T even think about sex before marriage.

Be perfectly humble.

Possess a quiet and gentle spirit.

Let the men in your life lead you. Not dominate, lead with Christ-like humility.

Read your Bible everyday.

Attend church and meetings of the church regularly.

Don't be pro-choice.

Be conservative. And, yes that meant in voting, too. Just as a side note: I vote for who I believe is right not by party and the pulpit is not the place for politics. PERIOD.

I am not saying that any of these things are particularly bad, they are not. But being held to a standard of performance perfection to please people rather than a genuine heart to live this way for God is WRONG! That is where this former good girl went bad. For so long I really wanted to live the "right" life. It's just that right for me was never quite "right" enough for some.

Being that I am one that goes from one extreme to the other, I went from focused good girl to stealth-mode, sneaky bad girl. That is not to say that I am doing the complete opposite of the things on the list. I firmly believe that every action, good or bad, has its consequence. I will have to answer for how I choose to live this life I have been given. But I have done some things that I would not have thought I would.

So really, what makes a good girl? Is she one who truly holds to and lives by her convictions? Is she the wild party girl who can pull the wool over everyone else's eyes but her own? Or is she the complex chameleon that adapts to the surrounding people and situations. She may be any one or a combination of these. I suspect that this fallen Butterfly Angel may be all three. Love, peace and freedom to all.


Side note:
I originally wrote this back in July/ August but never got around to posting it. Lots of emotions and bitterness to sort through. Over the past several months a number of things have occurred in my life and I am not so bitter anymore about the "good girl" thing. I finally remembered what my goal was in all of this. My goal was to love God and to live a life worthy of His love. I wanted to be a woman of upstanding moral character, not a goody two shoes or "good girl". I did not care what society's opinion was of how I chose to live, all I wanted was to please God. Somewhere along the way, my thinking became dark and clouded. I cared more about what I wanted out of life and about pleasing people than living for and loving God. It is a dark day when you decide that there is no room for God in your life because you feel like living the 'right life' is holding you back from your life. Many things have changed in my life and many more issues will be dealt with but this is the beginning of a major character and life change. The Nefarious Angel may never die and she may continue to win more battles but the victory for the war will never belong to her. The Butterfly Angel may still be lost but she is definitely many steps closer to being found and enjoying true Love and Freedom.