comfortable (the beginning)

Comfortable. For me this word is rich with meaning. It is the title of a favorite song by John Mayer and it is also one of my favorite states of being. Today I would like to approach it from a different angle. One that is a little uncomfortable to discuss but I believe it's needed. This post will give you context, a little back story and the next what can happen if allowed to become too comfortable.

His name was Alex (name changed to protect the not so innocent) We were 14 when we met; one of those "chance" occurrence type of things. It was a school field trip to the most unromantic place ever, The Super Conducting Super Collider. Although we learned many interesting things that day and saw scientific marvels the most amazing thing was our discovery of one another. He had curly brown hair, big brown eyes, was tall and a genius. The perfect boy!

I still remember my classmates teasing me, they said they knew something was going on because I was never that quiet. I obviously spoke at some point but it was after a while of him looking at me until I would turn around and then I would look at him until he looked up but then look away really quickly because we realized we were busted. When the bus arrived at its destination he walked up to me and introduced himself. I'm sure I blushed as I shook his hand.

     "I've never seen you before." smooth with the words he was :)

     "No I'm at Science in the morning so I guess that makes you an afternoon student?" well duh Aisha obviously, but come on I was 14 and a real live BOY was talking to me!

     "Yeah. So you wanna hang out today?" forward, wasn't he? (and by the way he was actually quite shy so this was huge for him)

     "Sure!" could you try not to sound so desperate? (geez!)

We literally spent the whole day with one another. At one point during one of the afternoon sessions, he got the courage to actually hold my hand. It was so cute! The bus ride home we sat together and began to learn about each other while our classmates made sure to interrupt with teasing as often as possible. We exchanged phone numbers, I told my mom about him and so it began.

Sometime between his birthday (Valentine's Day) and mine 6 weeks later we were officially "going steady." We were so adorable and clueless and innocent... in the beginning. He was my first kiss! You know the first one where it's all sweet and innocent and quick, just a brief encounter of the lips. Then comes the 2nd and 3rd and by the time you get to the 5th or 6th you realize you're playing with fire because you begin to want something more. At least that was my story.

We had some semblance of relationship for a year and a half. It was odd but it was what we had. He would do this crazy thing where he would tell me he loved me and I would tell him to shut up. "We're too young to know anything about love!" And just in case you're wondering, I was serious. Poor boy, it took 15 months for any reciprocity to occur on the speaking of those 3 little words. When I finally did, he got the words and my tears... how dare he go to Argentina for a month and make me miss him like that?!

He was someone I could be goofy with, someone I could do homework with, someone I could talk about the future with, someone fun to be with, a good friend, and I could just be myself around him. It was good... it was comfortable.

And believe it or not in that nearly 2 years together we only ever kissed, nothing more. But I will tell you we did consider sexual relations. We were both hormone-driven teenagers and trust me it was going on all around us. Here was the deal though, I didn't want any babies; I had a drive to graduate, go to college and have a great career. That was more important to me. That drive and determination kept my guard up for a while but as time went on... well you know how it goes; my defenses were weakening.

So how did I dodge that bullet? God! Alex and I started going out our freshman year. The summer before our junior year I met a family who introduced me to the Lord in a way that I had never known. I had gone to church for years but this was the first time I heard about the Kingdom of God and understood the idea of truly having a personal relationship with Him. I learned about discipleship, accountability and a worldwide movement to share the gospel. That was so much more exciting than this impersonal Jesus I grew up hearing about. I began going through Bible studies and learning how Jesus loved me and had a plan for my life. What? This was awesome!

I began to learn about the value of purity and what a premium God put on it. I met guys who were living a life of purity, those who would rather serve God than chase skirts. This was, even at 16, almost unheard of. There were actual gentlemen who loved God and were learning self-control and did not have to "have it" to consider themselves real men. Whoa! I also learned the importance of making sure that the person that you are in relationship with loves Jesus. Alex, I learned quickly, did not. So after all that time we parted ways. We decided to be friends, he took it well and to be honest, it wasn't that bad.

I had these friends around me who were concerned for me, who were helping to learn about God, teaching me ways to be a better daughter, sister and student. I was learning to become a friend. I learned that my life had meaning and a plan and a purpose. Up to that point in my life Alex had been one of the few people who accepted me for who I was and didn't shun me or try to hurt me. Now, in the Lord, I was accepted into an incredible new family. We would often pray for him, I wanted nothing more than for him to know the Lord because I wanted to share with him this most amazing love that had radically transformed my life. But he never accepted that call. I didn't see him much based on our schedules and before long I had pretty much forgotten about him.

Just before graduation I heard from him. He was going to the University of Texas (Austin). I was so excited for him because that was the school I wanted to attend but did not for reasons I won't go into right now. For the first time since we parted ways my heart actually twinged at the thought of him being so far away. I thought that was a little weird considering it had been over a year but I decided not to dwell on it as it was going to be a long time before I saw him again. And believe me, it was a good while.

But what happens when someone who was so comfortable shows up in your life again, especially during a time of great emotional discomfort? What happens when what you hoped for seems all but lost and dashed into pieces at your feet? How can you find comfort again? Is it a person that can help you heal? I wanted comfort and a form of it literally passed my way a few years later in college.

encouraged by me?

Today I found myself being encouraged by myself. A little over a year ago I was praying for a situation in someone else's life. This person was battling sickness in their body and facing surgery. I committed to praying for this person at a set time each day. Many others were doing the same as this is a rather beloved person. In any case one day just after my daily time, I found myself having a hard time concentrating on the work before me. The words and numbers seemed to swim before my very eyes instead of lining up as they should. I could not make sense of the simplest task but instead of being worried I was surprisingly calm.

I could feel and seemingly hear my heartbeat which seemed to have a different cadence than normal. My eyes although intently gazing into the monitor no longer were taking in the data before me and my breathing seemed to flow along with the rhythm of my heart. I was sitting at my desk but I was so far away. Then it began. It was as if I were listening to an old song that was a favorite. I could hear a lyric in my ear and the sound waves carried it along until it crashed into my heart and I realized I had never heard this before.

There was a story unfolding from deep within me and I was so caught up in it I almost lost the opportunity to write it down. I had to come up for air to capture the first few lines of what would become a declaration of war against the things coming against my friend's life. Rather quickly I penned (okay typed) the first four stanzas; it was as if the words bled right out of my fingertips. And once the last words were on the page, I was back at my desk in that moment of time. The data came together and worked seemed interminable because the desire of my heart was to complete this sudden almost melodic chain of thought.

When I arrived home I reviewed the words over and over especially the last stanza. It seemed to float in midair, no quite connected to what was before it fully but also not so dissimilar either. "Where do you belong?" I questioned the phrases and almost expected an answer. I wanted to write this. I felt it all the way through my body. Anytime it would come to mind it really seemed as though my heart would beat in time with the poem. I wondered if the great masters felt the same way in their development stages.

Five days later, I realized it was not disassociation of topics but a simple transition into the next part of the story. The cadence was perfect. I finished it. This work simply titled The Fight was complete and prayerfully ready to encourage its intended recipients. I later learned that it did. I began to share it with others too. My goal with these poems and spoken word pieces is to encourage. Many felt this and helped me back on my path to writing regularly. I have been glad to do so. Writing helps me to deal with everyday life.

So today while facing some challenges of my own I stumbled across a copy of this poem. I specifically chose to print in on a red background with white lettering. I wanted this one to stand out. After all it is a declaration of spiritual fighting words. As I sat there reading the words, almost astonished that they came from my pen, I found myself sitting up straighter and being reminded of the Bible verses that inspired some of the lines. I began to remember who and Whose I am. I "encouraged myself" in the Lord. He has me in everything, even these scary parts of the journey and I no longer have to be afraid. He gave me the courage to fight the battles I always thought would defeat me. I will not fall over defeated because He gave me the greatest victory in His love.

emotional ninja

There are times this "thing" tries to take ahold of me. It's a darkness, a heavy sadness; a voice that longs to separate me and make me feel as though I am all alone. It's familiar to me and as odd as it may sound the familiarity of the sound is a comfort; it is what I've known and what I accepted as truth for so long. But it is not the voice of truth, it is a lie, a hurtful insidious deception. It never shows up overtly announcing its arrival with fanfare; no it is stealthy beginning with a slight nagging of, "I can't believe I..." then growing into "What in the world am I...?""Why can't I ever...?" and before long death is rolling off my tongue, "I'll never... or I'm just {negative comment}"

Well as this "thing" tries to creep in through a shroud of darkness I am shining the light of the Word of God on it, exposing it for what it is - a lie. God tells me that I am precious and honored in His sight and that I am accepted in Him fully. I have no need to strive for acceptance or to think less of myself because of failures in my past. I am repeating these messages of truth to myself, changing what I'm listening to, changing the thing I choose to wear as a cover. This "thing", this emotional ninja, that keeps attempting to sneak in and clothe me with my old thoughts of darkness and remind me of all the ways I've hurt others only wants to distract in order to derail and destroy.

I know I mention this a lot here but that is because this is truly a battle. I have allowed myself for so long to agree with the negative lies and emotions that I must fight with passion and tenacity to believe the truth so that I am thinking and meditating on the truth that I am created in the image of God and that I was restored to that fully by the sacrifice and resurrection of Christ. The life of a Christian is one of vibrant life and power with a sound mind not some weakling that can be easily shaken or moved.

This ninja is skilled,  knows my weak points and knows that when I have a moment where I fail that I am likely to replay it until change my view of who I think I am. But I a reminded in those moments that I am still loved and accepted, that nothing will separate me from the love of God and I choose to strike back with truth in this fight. I guard my heart according to the Word and I only say what He says. I will not fall out on a mat so easily in an attempt to avoid being hit again. No I stand ready with the weapons of warfare He's given me and I will use them, uncommon as they are, to see the victory He has already given me.

Picture Credit: Quiet Yell's Kid Ninja (Scott Monaco and partners)

grace

I love that You know absolutely everything about me, even the darkest secrets at the core of my being and You still choose to accept me with Your loving, open arms. I love that Your passion for justice and righteousness are so in tuned that You knew the only way to bring me back to You was to send Yourself to suffer in my place. You've given me new life and You've given me a place; I belong, no longer running a lost race. I now live within Your perfect grace.

Where would I be and how would I see outside of the darkness that once covered me? But Your compassion said, "I'll be your Light and the Rock on which you stand!" I am not reaping a whirlwind or on a fruitless chase because You've covered me in Your perfect grace.

I will honor You and bless Your Holy Name, I will give You everything because You're the most important gain. I no longer have any time to waste, so many need to know of Your perfect grace. Thank You Jesus of You I will speak. Thank You for redeeming me and showering me with Your perfect grace.

Picture Credit: Stephanie Marrott (available on allposters.com)

dream on

I never asked to be a dreamer but somehow when my spirit and soul were breathed into this body when I was formed in the "secret place" my design was for dreamscapes. As a child and a young person, there is nothing wrong with being a dreamer or at least there should not be. But very early on it became apparent to me that dreaming was not going to get me anywhere near the definition of success (or so I was told.) Hard work, planning, training, tools and thought conformity- you will think about what we tell you is important to think about; all that other is nonsense.

Well I want to dream. I want to believe that a dream paired with hard work, planning, training, tools is then a vision that can create a chain reaction of change. Dreamers can grow to be visionaries and everyone knows visionaries are legendary. I've lived in a small box for far too long and there is much to be done. This place, this learning seemingly everything new is uncomfortable. I am learning patience on another level. I want to go backward to find comfort, some semblance of something familiar. But I do not want to forfeit the growth so I press forward, hopeful, dreaming.

Will the current dreams I have live on only in my mind or will they through patient persistence walk out into real life and have further reaching affects than I may ever know? May it be so.

Picture Credit: Nicole Katano (found on allposters.com)