life

Today I'm tired of being poor, unemployed and judged negatively for it. I'm tired of pat answers and doubts. I spent four years in college as a young adult and I'm now almost one full year into my return.

I didn't go to college for this to be my life. I didn't 'sow' for this. I don't read the kind of things I read and work to implement them to have this life. I'm not perfect or any kind of angel. I have made major mistakes.

The biggest one? Being afraid to take risks whether in relationships or work or in stepping out to promote myself. I always think I could use a little more preparation, I could be just a bit better before I make that next move.

What's the 'opportunity' section of my life look like? I need to:

• stop being so damned cautious all the time. 
• be disciplined more so with time than money. 
• to loosen up on the inside as much as I appear to have on the outside. 
• take the freaking leap sometimes. 
• trust that I've been given what I need. Trust. 
• like myself half as much as I project that I do. 
• just go ahead and go all in and connect with MY dreams again even if that means more failure and more rejection until I'm living those dreams out and on to the next ones.
• accept me. I am pretty freaking amazing after all.

I have done many things and will continue to learn and grow and better myself. I give my all and work ridiculously hard when I do work. Even when I volunteer, I give until I feel like I can't, then I give just a little more.

I tend to learn on the fly in the midst of  hard choices. When the options are limited to sink or swim. It's then that I learn I have a powerful backstroke. Maybe it's not pretty, but it gets the job done. Life is like that, choices and last minute decisions even when you've done your best to prepare.

You know the thing is, life doesn't care. It has always been unfair and that crazy mixture of hurry up and wait. I try to play with the cards dealt. I try not to complain. Today I'm not doing so well. Today I'm tired. Today I want a break.

Although I'm frustrated I'm still grateful. And no, not because it could be worse. I'm just grateful because God is God even when I don't understand. I'm grateful for a relationship with Him. Life may not make sense. I don't have answers to the "whys" and "hows" but I have Him and that takes care of my need.


Picture credit: www.quakeroats.com