moving forward

The past couple of months I've been discouraged. The current situations in my life have been taking their toll, and I've been letting them. Right now there is a huge battle going on in my mind as evident by my previous post. What will I choose to believe? Entering this season I knew I had a word from God that He allowed this time to come and that He would take care of me. He is not shocked by this situation, nor should I be. But as each day goes by and the resource depletes a bit more, I wonder where is the next bit of provision? I have a small business that I have been struggling to get off the ground and as exciting as it is to try a new venture it can be overwhelming.

But it is more than a financial battle. This is also about who I think I am. In the current job search I am faced with the question, What do I want to do? Although I was an event planner at my last job, that is not really what I want for a career. My new adventure in small business is cool and caters to my entrepreneurial side which I am just now learning about, but this will take a while to build up clients and connections, so what to do in the meantime? Sure I could do event planning again or be an administrative assistant or go back to a sales floor or possibly try to return to architecture but seriously none of those make me excited to get out of bed in the morning. I have logged multiple times here how much I want to write and how awkward I feel when I am not writing.

Two months it was silent here because I felt the flame had gone out in my heart. I feared all creativity in me was lost, that perhaps it was on permanent vacation. This was not true but I was so busy paying that toll to deception that I was too distracted to think clearly. I began to believe I was a failure. I have never thought of writing for a living because it's not as lucrative a career as say architecture (what I studied in school.) I always thought of it as something I would do for fun on the side. I am not saying it's going to be my main stream of income and that I am going to start looking for jobs in that field after all:

• I have no idea how to get started in the field, 
• I don't have the proper training, 
• I fear deadlines, 
• I am not good enough
• blah, blah, blah

Get the point? Excuses, excuses. At the end of the day, everyone will not like everything I write. And honestly I'll be okay with that. I know it's impossible to make everyone happy and as such I've decided instead of trying to please everyone else it's time to bring it a little closer to home and make myself happy. I believe God has given me a gift to write and I am always at my happiest when I am living to please Him. I bet it pleases Him when I use the gifts He's given me, so I am going to do that.

Whether or not my next job is in writing or where the financial resource is coming from are still in the air but I am okay with that because I know it's not just floating in the ether, it's in His hands. For far too long I have believed that I could not just turn on the switch and write when I feel like it but I actually can. It's an exercise just like any other, I have to work at it consistently and I will see the result I want. Time to go forward.

dear God

Hey Dad! I know it's been a while and to be honest I'm a little frustrated that the gift You've given me only seems to work here and there. Writing, I would like to believe, is one of the things You've provided to me as a joy and a way that I could encourage others and of course myself. Yet for the past two months, nothing. I know it is not good to complain and I do not want to appear ungrateful but I do feel most alive when I am either writing or serving in certain capacities. To be honest outside of these things I am a little lost.

I know that my life is in Your steady and sure hands, but I will tell You that today I am a bit saddened that I suddenly realized I felt so far removed from the dreams that were in my heart that I could not even remember them. I attempted to tell someone and I could not even come up with it. So as I sit here attempting to eat dinner (3rd attempt in the past hour) I thought I would write down a couple of small things not to remind You, because I know You hold my world, but to remind myself. Here lately the lies have sounded an awful lot like the truth so I know it's time to fight fire with faith, even if it is only the size of a mustard seed.

When I grow up... I would like to be a writer. I know I do not have all the formal training and I know I do not have lots of experiences upon which to draw, but I do have You and I know that You provide for every need. I'm not sure why I resist this so much other than the fact that I know that writing alone is no way to live. It's hard to make a living doing pretty much anything these days and so I tried architecture and even attempting to get into retail sales management and although I would have been good at either, I firmly believe it was Your intent from the beginning to make me a great writer. I stand asking because even at my age I still feel like a child and need developing and wisdom and mentorship and again I know You will provide.

I also want to be a minister of the Gospel of Jesus. Although right now I am having a hard time connecting and feel out of place in certain situations, I believe that You called me to this. I wanted to climb the corporate ladder and be great in the areas of architecture and civil engineering but before I ever set foot on a college campus You told me that You had another plan. I have no idea how to lead others and why anyone would want to follow me as I follow You but You've placed Your heart within me for Your people. I have a great desire to see others experience the true freedom in life that comes from being a disciple of Jesus Christ. I want to see unity among the believers and watch lives be transformed and healed by the power of Your love.

I would like to be successful in these endeavors. I understand that mistakes will be made, relationships will be tested and mended and that not everyone will like me or what I have to say and I am almost at a point where I am okay with that. (Hey, I'm just being honest) Help me to believe for the simple things.

And I might as well say this too... although I am perfectly content with  the idea of being single for the rest of my life, it probably wouldn't be too bad to become a wife and mom... maybe. Perhaps You could help me with my heart here. After all I am getting a bit set in my ways :)

Well Dad this is the small version of the list in black and white, simple. You and I know I have much larger dreams; hopes of seeing the world transformed by the power of Your love, seeing many throughout the country revere Your name, seeing the dead raised, watching the terminally ill be healed and whole, seeing familial restoration run rampant as opposed to divorce and pain and so on and so forth. But today, I'll start small and remind myself that I had a simple dream for my life and I know The Great Big God who put it there and has a good plan for me. Thank You!

With love, Your daughter,
Aisha Nichole