Excuse Me.

What’s not going to happen here is an excuse

The idea that something so horrid and hurtful can be swept away as “guy talk”

Should be something that makes us all balk

And not because you have a mother, sister, wife or a daughter

But because you are simply human

Why do we have to bargain, to prove our right to exist?

Why should the length of my skirt, or curve of my hip

Or heaven forbid, the kissability of my lips

Be at fault for someone else’s deviant actions?

I was five maybe six the first time my lips came in contact with a man’s penis

I didn’t do anything wrong, I was a child, at the level of kindergarten

What could I have done to make a young man want to know what grows in my garden?

NOTHING!

By the time it happened again, I was six or seven, and this time an older girl did me in

She made me strip down to nothing and let a little boy hump me

While she played to her own satisfaction

My cries and tears, all of my reactions

Meant NOTHING!

As I grew older and withdrew from the femininity within me, everyone assumed I was gay

And if I was, whose business was it anyway?

But perhaps I was just hiding my own beauty, my womanly curves

Perhaps I cursed them because I thought it was my fault

And you see, I can’t count the times my backside has been grabbed,

my breasts pushed up against, the times I’ve been wrapped up from behind while a semi-erect penis pressed into my back

But see, I bet you didn’t know this all the times you called me awkward

I kissed a girl once, I was still a child and so was she, and I never stopped feeling guilty

Because I was six years older than she and I should have known better

Did I do to her what had been done to me?

I’ve painfully contemplated this repeatedly, over a kiss

But I find it’s easy for others to dismiss the actions of full-grown men

Who can’t be told “No” without devolving and giving in

to lustful rage and taking what they think belongs to them

We excuse, we say prison would be too much for him

Yet the survivor is questioned again and again about what she drank

And if she leadingly tempted him?

See, society seems to think “men are only men”

And that somehow that gives them an animalistic pass when dealing with women

That they are only at the mercy of their lusts

And that because of our curves they can’t resist us

And it’s all our fault, and we mean nothing

And our lives are put on trial

And we become a spectacle for a while

Our lives pulled apart, everyone attempting to detect our lives

Excuse me, lies

But we would hand over the highest office to a man who gets off

On preying on someone’s weakness

As if we’re so star struck by wealth and fame

And he considers women a game,

young girls a thing to be toyed with

While the morality crowd tosses him their kiss

And blames actual victims for not fighting back

A moral center is something you lack

When you tell a victim she should be ashamed

That she is responsible and to blame

For the reprehensible, unbelievable things that happened to her

“Maybe you should have…”

Perhaps YOU, yourself should take a step back

Heaven forbid you have to walk an inch in her shoes

And have to fight the feelings and demons she powers through

God bless your soul if you had to pay the same toll

See, I was a child left in hands of protectors, who turned out to be predators

Yet I consider myself lucky to only face what I did

I had to learn to forgive, no not the perpetrators

But myself

I had to set myself free from that closet floor

The place where I wasn’t strong enough to hold closed a door

And part of my innocence was left behind

I did nothing wrong

I’m not the one who needs to be excused

And I won’t excuse the behavior of those who chose to hurt me

I won’t let my little self be their excuse

But I also won’t let this bruise remain on my soul

I will champion the hurt and broken, we share a bond of words not spoken

I won’t let the continued silence of victims be turned against them as violence

You can’t excuse this as lewd words, because there are women behind them that have been hurt

Stop the excuses, reveal the lies

It’s not OK, to continually make survivors cry

Find your moral compass and follow it back

To a place where we’re not blamed for our attacks

If you think I’ve said too much, or that maybe I was too graphic

Perhaps what you should stop to see is that’s a bit tragic

I’ve freed myself from my own fear here

Through these few words I’ve shared

You’ll have to forgive the pain of their truth

I’ve lived through my own nightmare

So you’ll have to forgive me and take this as my proof

Because actions that lead to this kind of pain, are not something I will just excuse