Fill in The Blank

What is missing to complete what my heart once longed for?
Some were characteristics that I was fortunate enough to have bestowed upon me in abundance.
Many of these are what I dreamed about and fought for daily to develop them in myself.

1. TRU_H
2. _ONESTY
3. HOP_
4. LOVING
5. FAITHFU_NESS
6. L_YALTY
7. INTEG_ITY
8. _ETERMINATION

The battle between my Butterfly Angel and my Nefarious Angel wages on. What is the famous quote? "Never give up, never surrender!" or something to that effect anyway.

Service

This is an official rant.

Service people, as in those who work customer or food service, are by no means innocent angels. I should know, I have done both. But people who give them hell just because they might be having a bad day should not be tolerated.

There should be trap doors that immediately open and take them to the bowels of hell and demons should shell out the same crap to them that they were giving others and then spit them back out with nasty burns and festering boils that don't heal for three days. (and that is being nice) I am not an exception, I would have fallen into a hole and been tortured more than a few times. Believe it or not I am not always right.

Service people everywhere are a family. Some true enough, should be shot to put us all out of our misery. They have seriously bad attitude or hate what they do and do not mind letting you know it. (guilty of this at times, not all the time) But there are many excellent people out there that either enjoy or are really good at what they do. You hurt one and we all sympathize.

Try ever so hard to be nice to the service people in your life anywhere you may go. Demons and torture are not as cheap as they used to be and I am not ready to sell my soul to cover the cost just because you decided to give up yours.

End raving here.

Got Jokes?

Prologue:
This is all my fault, I made a bad decision but I'm going to bitch about it anyway. (translation: whining about what is 95% my fault and 5% insensitivity of others)

This is a story from 'A' to 'B' and 'C'

Have you ever noticed some people in your life, dare I call them friends? No the 'f' word is too good at this point but the 'a' word, acquaintances fits them fine. Sometimes you sit around with them taking turns talking about the good and bad things going on in your life. They share some of the hard times that they are going through so why not share some of the hard decisions you are making or things you are going through too?

ADVICE: DO NOT DO IT!!!!

This will always come back to bite you in the ass. One, they do not know how your mind operates and how you think. Two, you forget that they do not know how your mind works. Bad combination. If you are younger than the people you are talking to, trust me, your problems are going to be funny to them to begin with because they are older and have all this figured out. They want to tell you what they think that they have figured out about you and your situations.

It is at this point that everyone's 'got jokes'. Things that you have to seriously consider are fodder for their jokes. Oh, and it gets even better because they think you are going to do the same things they did or do in the situation. For example:

You are hoping for the opportunity of a relationship with someone. It is rare enough that this occurs. At this point you have just been flirting with the person. There is no real sign it will go any further but you made the mistake of bringing up a name. (do not do this)

Their thinking: So you're gonna get a piece of ass to see if it is worth further pursuing this relationship.

My thinking: It takes a lot for me to consider being in a relationship. I work hard at building a great friendship and give myself emotionally and give as much as I can when I am fortunate enough to be involved. 'IF' something physical develops along the way, it does. I am old-fashioned and I am not going to go jump in the bed with someone after a couple of dates to see if this is even worth my time.

The Difference: To me a great relationship makes anything physical worth the wait. However it may never come up because we may never get that far. (I often eat a bowls of rejection)

Maybe it is my hopeful-wishful thinking that I will share a great relationship with someone. After all this does sound like the stuff of childhood bedtime stories. But I have seen it work for some of my friends, why not me? I am no different from them.

I know that 'B' and 'C' will see this and I hope you understand how hurtful it is when you make light of how I think and what I feel. I still think you are wonderful and do not want to discontinue our rather lively discussions. I have, after all learned a lot from you.

DO NOT, however, get it twisted. My life WILL NOT be your joke. I am today who I have always been. I like a healthy strong bond in my relationships. I am not out for quick fixes or spur of the moment decisions, people get hurt that way. I do not like to hurt anyone.

I hope you are not angry with me. It took me quite a while to figure out why what I was saying was not the same thing I heard coming from you. Then I figured out your point of view and it all made perfect sense. Remember, I respect the things that you tell me without laughing and making light of it. I am just asking for the same level of respect. DONE.

An Anime a Day Keeps the Dates Away :(

It's sad but I was just looking for a reason to post this picture. I thought it was funny. Not so much funny (haha) as funny (interesting). It is so out of character for this character, for whatever sense that makes.

Ode.. Owed to Late Nights and Green Aprons

I am still sorry for this, but working until 2:00am can make us all delirious.

Hello My Name is Aisha....

....and I'm a Donnaholic. (yep, an official card carrying member)

(Warning, this is another rambling post)

These women are incredible. Somehow they have managed to make six albums and keep the rock coming which lets me know they are more than just eye candy. They are full of talent.

Allison - Kicks major amounts of ass on that guitar. She is so good even guys must give props.

Maya - She seems to be quiet and subdued; must take it out by slamming that bass in your face.

Torry - She is like an animal on those drums! No really like "ANIMAL" from the 'Muppet Show'. She just plays better and is a lot better looking. ;)

Bret - The voice. She's fun, witty and able to work a crowd like the most experienced of rockers

So why gush about the Donnas? Why not? I saw them open for Maroon 5 the weekend of my birthday. I got their autographs and enthusiastic 'Happy birthday's from them when my friend -Hi Judy- mentioned it. (SWEET !!!) Their set was awesome. I was so elated to meet them that I told them, truthfully, I could have left happy at that point. I missed some of the M5 set to meet the Donnas. It was more than worth it.

I am sure if you have read this whole thing (and wasted 5 minutes of 'you time') you are now bored to tears. The sad thing is I really just wanted to put the picture up. My point is, if you can go see the Donnas.

Please Don't Feed the Anime

I know I should not but I have to feed my Obsession.

No, really I am well aware of the fact that I do not have a life.



R.O.D - Read or Die
R.O.D the TV - Read or Dream

If I were an agent of the Royal British Library Special Forces Unit (reference the show) I would be "Ms. Taken". My special ability would be always being wrong. This is an advantage because you know to do the exact opposite of everything I say. That would finally come in handy.



Maybe I could be Ms. Deep's I-gin clone, Agent Unfathomable. You cannot quite get to the bottom of what you do not understand. I would throw my enemy into a state of extreme confusion, kind of like I do with my friends.

Well I have rambled more than long enough. Remember Read or Die because if you choose not to, God help you, there is a possibility you could end up like me.

Confessions of a Former 'Good Girl' - Part II

I am confused. It is a great thing to have friends with varying opinions. You see I have been talking to my friends about this whole jumping out of the flight of the 'good girl' and doing well I am not quite sure but something not so strict and regimented.

I have friends that say they trust my ability to make the right decisions based on convictions that they know, and I very well know, are deeply rooted in me. Then I have my friends that are more than a little alarmed dare I say frightened by the twists and turns that my life has taken over the past year. Do not think for a moment that I am a wild, get my freak on all the time, party girl type. If that is your thing, that is your thing and more power to you for being that bold.

No I am dying a slow death of destruction, tearing down what I worked so hard to attain bit by bit. Without divine intervention I would be ... well only God knows but I am not completely gone. I still have the curse of having a conscience. In any case 'confused' has been added here because although both sets of my friends say I am rebelling and going through, let me say spiritual teenage angst, they disagree as to what I will do and why I continue to go against the grain. But does either side stop to truly consider that if I am thinking of doing something stupid I may not follow through with it. Those who 'trust' me still have their doubts.

Apparently to one group I still have 'Good Girl' tendencies - I am just confused and have issues. (we all do) The other group has decided, that my poor, sweet, innocent 'Good Girl' has given up the ghost. She is dead. Who knows if she will be able to be revived. I have gone off the deep end and we do not know if there is hope for her anymore.

To the one, belief is the best encouragement, it reminds me of how love showed me the truth. To the other, this time I will follow the admonition and say nothing at all. Either way it goes I love you all and this Girl whatever state she is in knows the truth of her condition lies in none of your hands.

FLIRT (It's Almost a Four Letter Word)

Today's thought is short, simple and not so surprisingly, stupid.

People who flirt with no intention of following through should be forced to face a firing squad.

That is my thoug----- OH SNAP!!! Gotta unplug and run, here they come!!!!!!!




Addendum (22 July 2005):
No really, I still like to flirt and I'm not saying it will always lead somewhere. That is juvenile thinking. But there is a point where it is good to back off and move on to the next challenger if you are not impressed with the skills. Of course the game is fun and who wants to stop when something is fun? Oh well, it appears that halftime is over and I was just called to the playing field again. Flirting is too much fun to give up even if it means you can get hurt.... Damn firing squad!!!

Read or Die (the TV makes stupid you)

Back off, Fanboy, I know it is R.O.D the TV!!

If you know me you know I like my cartoons. Well of course I LOVE Anime. A year ago I was introduced to the Read or Die (OVA). WOW! Great story, great animation. Late last year I noticed a R.O.D the TV disc and almost exploded with excitement. Then I remembered I was broke :( About two months ago G4 TV ran the series, yay! (does anyone really care about this?) God love geek television. I am officially obsessed. I am almost ashamed to admit that I have a wall scroll. Almost.

I must apologize to my fellow green aprons because during that three week period I was super driven and focused to get my work done so I could get home to watch my show (no DVR or TiVo and my VCR is grrrrr). Of course after that it was all downhill and I have reclaimed my 'special' crown. Love you guys, love my anime more. Yes I already realize how pitiful I am.

Everyone has their own escape and I cannot take the regular TV junk, especially "reality" shows. Other than Cartoon Network and G4 TV, my happy list includes ALIAS, LOST, Cold Case, the many incarnations of C.S.I. and Law and Order and Buffy re-runs. TV makes me stupid anyway so I might as well watch things that I enjoy when I get the chance.

Anime and Music (my other obsession) the two great tastes that ..... nah that is too stupid.

Geek Rock Fun

"Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches
Movin' to the country, Gonna eat me a lot of peaches
Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches
Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches"

Ahh yes from the ever so lovely song "Peaches" by the Presidents of the United States of America. One of the great geek rock bands of the '90s. Such a fun song. It is a talk nerdy to me, silly song full of double entendre ;) Once again a song coincided with my thoughts. And no, not like that! Get your mind out of the gutter!!!

Okay so I did not GO ,per se, to the country. And I guess I did not so much eat,
as drink. Then if you want to get technical there was no actual peach involved
(much like the song). In any case, I just had the most awesome peach margarita ever!! Perfect balance of sweet and tart and no so much alcohol that I cannot think straight. Unlike my buddy, Addison, I am not a big time drinker, but today I decided to indulge myself.

It probably would have been better to wait until I was off work to enjoy my treat instead of while I was at lunch. I am so ready for a relaxing nap. A big plate of tex-mex, a huge margarita and I sit at a desk almost all day. Bad combination. Until later.

Confessions of a Former "Good Girl"

No, nothing exciting or enticing to read here but in the near future expect to see an entry entitled "What Constitutes a Good Girl?" This is something that had been on my mind for a while and then a friend made a statement about trying the 'good girl' thing for a while and coming to the conclusion that it was not worth the time and effort. At this time I am trying to organize my thoughts and figure out exactly when I began to think the 'good girl' route was a pointless journey. Not that I am saying it is not a good idea but I went through severe burn out and disillusionment trying to fit the 'good girl' mold. I also am not saying that I have completely given up hope on changing. But at the moment my Nefarious Angel is giving my Butterfly Angel a severe ass kicking. And just in case you are wondering, yes everyday it hurts like hell.

Miracles Never Cease...

I have nothing important, comedic or even stupid (the miracle) to say today. I am a smart-mouthed, sarcastic, always have to have the last word type of girl. Yesterday someone made a comment that actually stumped me (and made me blush, that is just wrong). I have yet to come up with a smart answer. I NEVER lose in word-play games, but today I must relinquish my tiara. I admit defeat, you win.



For now.



Update: 29 July 2005 - I offically threw in the towel a week after this post. I gave up the tiara because I was done in by the better party. No my foot does not taste good.

Cuidado Con Una Mariposa - Be Careful With a Butterfly

Today's thoughts began after listening to the song 'Waiting Room', track #12 on No Doubt's Rock Steady. The pre-chorus states:
"If we both want the love and I wait long enough then the ground that we're on might be common"

I have listened to this song more times than I care to try to count because I absolutely love it. In any case, because of events that have been occurring in my usually rather boring life as of late I realized I was beginning to feel certain emotions that I am not necessarily comfortable with.

The wings of a butterfly are very delicate. Their wings are not like those of a hummingbird that have to be strong enough to withstand the arduous task of flight as they have it. You know there is that crazy number of times their wings flap in the blink of an eye. Butterflies are different. They seem to float along on whisper-soft breezes gently and deftly, rather than beating the air to the rhythm of a Caribbean drum.

I am not saying that butterflies are not strong or any less wonderful of a creature, but if you pierce a wing, the already short lifespan is further decreased. Even the proud Monarch with its beautiful, bright golden wings is destined to share the same fate of a lowly moth cousin. Clip, pierce or in any way break the wing and it is grounded. All freedom is now restricted because of a sudden change in the immediate environment. Who knows what caused it: a reckless decision in flight, sheer laziness or maybe the cruelty of another brought about the exploitation of this weakness. No matter how you look at it, it is over for the poor dear because the defenses have been weakened.

The situation is much the same for the Butterfly Angel. So closely tied to the wings of an angel with their ability to overcome, yet the poor butterfly is not fully developed. More tests and chances to mature must be faced and passed in order to possess the strength to carry angel wings. I am not saddened by the fact that I must further mature but I have accepted that I know my wings and my heart are affected at the same time. They mature and are hurt at the same rate.

At the moment something that I do not fully understand is prevalent in my thoughts. I cannot even sleep. Something that I am not used to is occurring. I may be young but I am no child, I know that if you play too long eventually someone is going to get hurt. I am, of course, very much accustomed to this being me. I hate this feeling, I fear a puncture in my near future. This is sad because I would rather use this wing to embrace and not to hide and nurse a wound. I am getting myself further and further into trouble here and I know it. But what is it that is said about my moth cousin.... drawn to the flame.

The more I think --- wait a minute, that is my problem. I am done with thinking about this. I may have delicate wings like a butterfly but I am in no way delicate. I cannot let myself be brought down even if it is concerning my tender and currently softened heart.

'Cuidado con su corazon' - It will not stay open very long.
'Cuidado con su mariposa' - Ella es delicada como una rosa.
'Be careful with your butterfly' - Do not break her heart, she will cry.
'Cuidado, be careful' - Ya esta llorando.
'Be careful, cuidado' - Sola esta esperando.


Okay, I think I'm fine now. The chill pill is kicking in. I am settling into my happy place. Work is a great place to be. Hard times develop character. New experiences are good. New friends, even better although they insist on spelling their names wrong. Happy for the moment.

To Addison:

Hey I just thought about it and I would like to 'biggie-size' my order. Chris update your blog.

What is a Lost Butterfly Angel?

The world is an interesting place. Today I awoke to find that the city of London had suffered a terrorist attack. My heart bleeds for those who had to experience this and of course for those who have lost loved ones and friends. Events like this remind me of my own mortality and that myself or someone I care about can be quickly taken away. It helps me to remember to cherish every moment I have with each person I hold dear. Sure this is somewhat cheesy and of course many people say it, but why does it take a tragic event for my ever so thick skull to absorb the truth in it.
The truth. It is one of those things that I have spent most of my adult life looking for yet at the same time running away from. In one of my favorite songs "Miracle" by Michael Tolcher, he says 'Now you can call yourself a genuine truth-seeker, but watch out 'cause it might be found'. I suppose that is kind of how I feel about it. There are some truths I just do not want to face, thus the name LostButterflyAngel. The truth a lot of times is two inches in front of my face but I go about things the hard way to get LOST and not have to face it. The BUTTERFLY is a symbol of freedom from whatever holds me back and ties me down because when I go through whatever situation it may be, no matter how much I want to fight it, I'll come out on the other side better and more beautiful (as a person). The ANGEL is a symbol of freedom from my fears. I have tons of irrational and also true fears. But I think of an angel as having overcome every fear, even the great one of death itself to arise victorious.
You would think with these symbols impressed upon my heart and soul I would be a strong person and deeply believe in what I have sought to become as I walk this earth, but the truth is I am very weak. One of these days I will face my challenges as they come and not run until I have to deal with them. On that day my true transformation will begin and I will be that beautiful Butterfly Angel, wings upturned and FREE.